The QWE is the most secretive agency in the world. As one of their top agents, even I am not allowed to know my own code name. So efficient are the methods of QWE's agents that we are able to prevent anything bad from ever happening, except for when we mess up and bad things happen. We protect the world like a stressed out parent who has had a long day and just wants to unwind in front of the television with a cold beer.
My latest assignment was to infiltrate Bush Bunny Laboratories, a biological weapons research facility that has escaped detection by cleverly disguising itself as a biological weapons research facility. I was flown to Colorado because of a pilot error, and after some rescheduling, I was flown to New Jersey, the actual location of Bush Bunny Laboratories. I'd never seen such a tightly guarded building; there was at least one unarmed fat guy outside smoking. Thinking quickly, I punched two holes in a brown paper bag and put it over my head.
Sneaking stealthily out in the open, I was, of course, shocked when the guard noticed me. "Hey, you!" He shouted. "I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to be here, give me a minute while I check the employee manual."
"Too bad for you, then, that I don't eat carrots!" I shouted stealthily. He was thrown off by the meaningless and out of place statement, giving me enough time to hit him in the face with my silenced shovel. He fell to the ground like a sack of moldy cheese and chipped bricks; I took his ID card before moving past.
I entered the building like a mute cat with apples for feet, which is to say I slipped and fell repeatedly as I snuck through the gray halls. Rounding a corner, I spotted the janitor who was in the process of waxing the floors. I drew my pistol and took aim. I didn't realize until after firing that I was holding it backwards, but I only shouted and cursed for twenty minutes to avoid detection. Fortunately, the janitor was listening to his iPod and didn't hear me.
I snuck up behind him, and, with extreme ninja-like skills, I tapped him on the shoulder and asked, "Could I borrow a mop?"
He took his ear buds out and replied, "I'm sorry, could you repeat that, stranger? I couldn't hear you over this young people music."
"Could I borrow a mop?" I repeated.
"Oh, sure" he said. "The mops are in the storage closet with the rest of the cleaning supplies. Here's a key," he said, handing me a key with a little tag marked "storage closet."
I thanked him; he replaced his ear buds and resumed waxing the floors as I located the storage closet. To avoid slipping again and risking detection, I used nine rolls of paper towels to wrap my feet in a protective shell of paper towel. I also grabbed a weighty mop and returned to where the janitor was.
Like some weird mop-wielding ninja, I beat him senseless while laughing maniacally. Fortunately, he was still listening to his iPod and didn't notice me. I continued through the freshly waxed halls, finding out too late that the paper towels caused more harm than good. Suddenly, I noticed a guard as he shouted at me and ran in my general direction.
"Sir! You must present an ID to be in this building, sir! I just read my employee manual sir, and it says people aren't supposed to be here if they're not supposed to be here sir!" He shouted like some sort of inexperienced newbie who would easily fall for my tricks. I presented the stolen ID for his inspection, and he said, "I don't know sir, the picture of this gentleman on this picture ID doesn't really look like you, sir."
"Doesn't look like me? How do you mean?" I asked in a way that made me ponder the phrasing of my talkative statements.
"Well, sir, the gentleman in the picture on this ID is an African-American, sir. You're clearly not an African-American like the gentleman who owns this ID, sir. I'm going to have to ask you to come with me, sir," he said.
"Are you telling me that my identification is invalid because of my race, sir? Ah crap you've got me doing it too!" I said, quickly deciding to put him down with my silenced shovel to avoid further conversation. I stole his ID as well, in case any other losers were working as guards.
As I reached the end of the hall, I encountered a set of stairs and an elevator. I immediately made the decision to use the elevator because no one would expect such stupidity. I hit the call button and heard a pleasant "ding" greet me as the doors opened. Not knowing which floor to go to, I hit both of the buttons at the same time and waited as the elevator took me to the only other floor. With another pleasant "ding", the doors slid open and I performed a quick victory dance. Suddenly, the doors began to close and I had to hurry through as the elevator returned to the ground floor, I lost a shoe in the process.
This second floor had far greater security than the first; I didn't see anyone but the walls were green and not gray, which I took to mean more security. Fortunately, I don't know my wall color-codes and soon found the second floor to be entirely unguarded. I located the CEO's office and found that the storage closet key unlocked the door for some reason.
I entered the office valiantly like someone who is not lame and suddenly realized that my superiors, in the interest of secrecy, did not tell me my mission. In my anger, I took a quick nap on the floor. As I awoke, the janitor had regained consciousness and was vacuuming the carpet. I drew my silenced shovel and beat him as if I were holding a stolen mop. I stole the CEO's computer, and then threw the monitor through the window stealthily to make my escape.
On the way back to HQ, I lost the computer, but I was not of high enough clearance to know whether the mission was a success or not. Essentially, I was in the clear. News of the end of my mission spread quickly to a single newsstand, which was dismantled by QWE agents while the employees were captured and replaced with Chinese spies.