I Tripped on a Kiss and Stumbled into Love
When I look at you, I know that you need me less than I need you. I don't know how, or why this happened. Maybe God looked down and just said, "You know, she's broken so many hearts. Lets let her feel like all of her victims." And the first eye I caught was yours.
We're sitting on the curb of the street. Alone and together. The cars pass us by at a million miles per hour, not bothering to pay attention to two little girls. The cool, Fall breeze is brushing through us. I linger in it for a moment. The smell of old leaves and pine trees fills me and I feel happy.
Until I hear you sigh.
That sound breaks my heart. Why cant you just be happy? I admit, I tried. I tried so hard to make everything that made you sad go away. I guess it just didn't work.
'A Heartbreaker cant mend hearts.' A friend once told me. I wish I had believed her then.
I turn to face you. You put your short hair up in a messy ponytail. God, how I love your hair. You always tell me you hate it, but I cant get over how nice it always looks. Even when it's curly. I love that wave it has in it. It looks like a mermaid that just turned human for the day, and when the moon is full in the sky, you'll head back to the ocean. How it falls into your face, over your eye. How it brushes your shoulder like it's painting a picture. Painting you.
I wish I could be as close to you as your hair is.
You sigh again, and another piece of my heart is gone. Why did it have to be you? Why did you have to be the one to break my heart? If it was a guy, someone I never really cared for, I could deal with it. But…
It was you.
I fell for you. I didn't know I could fall this hard. I guess… You wont be there to catch me when I fall.
"Nikki?" I say. My voice is soft and it's about to break. I swallow. I cant let you see me cry. Not ever. You turn to me. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing." You say flatly. I stare into your deep brown eyes for a long moment.
I know you're lying. I always do. I can see right through them, and I know something's on your mind. I always let you believe that you got away with it. Got away with lying to me. That you're in the clear. But, heh, you're not. Whenever you lie to me, I know it. I've known you long enough to decipher your face, your hand movements, your actions. I just let you get away with it because, well… I hope that, later in that day, you'll come up to me and say, "Sorry. I was lying before. The truth is--" But you don't.
You never do.
And I know it's foolish. I know you'll never do it. You think you're the greatest-fucking-liar in the world. But, you know what? I'm the greatest-fucking-reader in the world. So your lies don't work on me.
"Are you sure?" I ask. I always ask you that, after you lie to me. I give you a second, or sometimes third, chance to come clean and tell me the truth.
"Yeah." You look at the road. Away from my hazel eyes.
And again, you disappoint me.
"Okay." I look at my hands and wish that you'd take them in yours. Tell me that you really do love me and that what you said yesterday was all a lie.
I wish I could forget it.
"Well… I thought that, if I spent time with you, then I'd feel the same way, but… I…" Your voice gets so low and quiet I can barely hear. "I don't…"
I quickly turn my head and shut my eyes. The tears are coming back full force and I hate myself for feeling this way.
When I'm sure that the tears have been bottled up in that blue flask labeled, Sad, I turn to you and hope my voice doesn't crack when I say, "Nikki, what did you want? I told you yesterday, we can still be friends, it's… O-okay." I try to fight the fresh tears as another breeze passes us by.
I keep babbling so that the tears wont show. Anything to make you think that I'm really okay with this. "Nikki, I mean it. Um.. It's not, I mean, it is, but, I'll deal with it, you know? You told me you wanted to stay friends, so we will. That's what you want, right? You told me--" I stop and stare, taken aback. Your piercing brown eyes shoot through me and have me hooked.
"Uh, wha-what?" I blink.
You only stare.
"Nikki?" You seem to flinch at the sound of me saying your name. You turn back away and I instinctively grab your hand in both of mine. My heart jumps as I feel your sweaty palm in-between both of mine.
I miss this feeling.
I miss your hand, your touch, your laugh, your smile. I miss everything. I miss believing that you actually felt the same way. I miss smiling at those stupid Xanga posts that deceived me into thinking you really did love me back.
I look at my hand. Your ring isn't on my finger anymore. It's becoming a hassle to put it on in the morning. Whenever I look at it, I see you, and I don't want to see you anymore. So, most days, I don't wear it. Then, when I look at my empty hand, I feel like crying. That ring used to mean something to me.
"Nikki, please. Will you just tell me? Don't lie, please. I'm begging you. I just want to know what's wrong. Even though you don't feel the same way… I still do. I still want to make everything that makes you sad disappear… Even if that's me. Just tell me. Is it me? Do you not want me to sit here? Do you not want me next to you anymore?" I draw my hands back slowly. "That's all you have to say. Just… Tell me to leave. I don't want to bother you." I pull my hands to my chest. You don't answer, so I take it as a silent 'yes'. I'm about to stand up when I hear you squeak out a, "Wait."
I look at you, surprised. "What?"
"Don't. I…" You look away and mumble. "I don't want you to go, it's just…" I hear you sigh again.
This was always your problem.
You can never just come out and tell me what's bothering you. If you had been honest in the beginning, then I wouldn't have a severely broken heart.
"What is it? Just tell me, Nikki."
"I don't know."
"Don't know what?"
"I don't know… About… You." I blink and try not to look confused. Although it's my signature face. I wait for you to continue, but don't hold my breath.
"I don't know. Sometimes I… Sometimes… I know and then… Other times... I don't. You don't make me feel… Normal. You make me confused and happy at the same time. You make me sad and mad. You make me…" You sigh again. "I don't feel that way about you, but… Sometimes… I don't know. Maybe? Maybe not? My head is thinking about a thousand different things. It's going as fast as these cars, and I cant keep up. I've been alone for a long time and now… All of a sudden… You come along. Just give me some time." You hold your head in your hands and I lean in to hear you. "I'm just so confused. I don't even know how to word how I feel. I know I can tell you. Just… Give me some time, okay? Don't give up on me just yet..." I feel you stiffen when you feel my arms around your shoulders.
Your head picks up, but you remain silent.
"Nikki," I breathe in that scent. Your scent. The one I can never name. "don't worry. Take as much time as you want. It doesn't matter. I'm here for you." I smile when I feel your hand fall on my arm.
We stay like that for a while, until a car honks loudly. We both look up and I see my dad in his black Mercedes; grinning and waving.
"Hm, see you Nikki." I give you a squeeze, take a risk, and kiss your cheek. It doesn't even matter if you don't return my feelings. I'll still kiss that damn cheek of yours.
But my heart lightens when I see you smile.
I walk over to dad, put my backpack in his trunk, and sit in the front seat.
"Lemme see it." He says.
"See your protection."
I start laughing and I wave goodbye to Nikki. You smile and wave back. My dad rolls down my window and he yells, "Don't knock her up! Okay Nikki?"
You start giggling and we drive away.
It isn't over until it's over, I guess.