There's this part of me that wants to scream.
This part of me that wants to yell and throw and let go of every dream I've ever had.
Because there's a part of me that wants to give up.
You see, one can only hope for so much.
A human being alone can only hope, dream, fell, see, think, and know so much.
This part of me that is only human wants to give up and scream and throw my hands to heavens and cry
"Why Lord, Why?"
And this part of me wants to break down into tears every night,
Curl up into a ball and cry until I lose my voice,
Plea from the depths of my heart,
"Why Lord, Why?"
And part of me wants to scream,
And the scream eminates from the corner of every mind around me.
And I want to tell them in a single syllable of fury that 'I can't take it anymore.'
This part of me wants to tell the world that I need something to hope for,
That I need someone to shed some light anywhere in my life.
That I can look at and say;
"There, that is where I'm going.
That is what I'm heading towards.
That is what I'm pushing for."
Tell me that this is where I see myself going.
A friend of mine said we can look to the past and take a day, take a moment, and relive it.
And we can hate it, or love it. Miss it, or want it, and crave it.
But we can not look ahead and say;
"THAT is what is going to happen."
and "I will wait for that"
"I will hope for that"
"I will gear towards that."
And that's what life is about.
Looking back and going;
"Damn, that was good"
Looking forward and saying "What is going to happen?"
And only so much of me can wait,
Only so much of me can hope for tomorrow.
And tomorrow's tomorrow
And tomorrow is today,
And yesterday is next week.
Because we're moving one day at a time.
One second at a time.
One flow, one beat, one word, one rhythm at a time.
And as much as we're moving forward,
We're keeping whatever has passed.
And we're going "Damn, that was bad."
And we keep looking forward and we keep hoping there's more in front of us.
More because all we want is more.
All I want is more.
All I want to do is scream for more.
All I want to do is say;
"God take me now so that I can stop hoping in vain.
So that I can stop looking, I can stop wishing and praying that there will be something better"
And I know what you're going to say to me.
"My child, my child. Just wait, just wait.
Just wait a little longer."
But this human part of me?
This human part of me that has to live to count the time,
And learn to feel and live this life?
This human part of me wants to give up and I am only eighteen.
This human part of me hasn't even experienced life and I am tired of it.
And that is such a bad excuse but it is so true.
Apathy is spreading around this world and I'm filled with empathy and it kills me.
And its taking me and showing me that this life is beautiful.
But, hell, we're not living in the beauty.
All we're seeing is ugliness.
All we're witnessing is depression,
And all I want to do is scream and tell the world.
"Hope with me. Give me hope and hope with me, and we will make a light.
We will formulate a light that we can push towards."
Because God knows I'm waiting for someone to put a light for me.
But I learnt years back, no one is going to put that light there.
I learnt months back, that I'm going to have to put that light there.
And I learnt days back, that I'm going to have to put that light there and drag people with me.
And then the human part of me screams,
"If I have to do all of it, why should I take them with me?"
And then the divine in me speaks and it says;
"Because you believe in Me."
And God says to me;
"You believe in Me, and that is why you take them, to save them.
To show them, to guide them, and to lead them.
Because you my child, you are unique to me.
"I put you in darkness because I gave you the insight, the forsight, to make a light."
Because we all have a light in us.
And so it goes; yadda yadda, and blah blah blah.
But its true,
And that is what keeps me going.
And no matter how much the human in me wants to scream,
And say "God take me now because I can't take it."
The divine in me says;
"Wait, just wait, I'll make it."