a/n: maybe i'll never be good enough as a poet, and maybe my writing will never help people the way i once dreamed it would when i still had hope and faith and myself to hold onto. (it's all gone and bleeding.) but if the poems i hate can help you feel better or inspire you in some way, then people it will be worth it. even if i will only ever be an angstwhore and will never become a writer, if this means something to you, then that will be enough.

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x
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i. and sylvia bleeds

i want (my words) to (make you)
burn. – not for the Feeling choking every
acidpoem raw&broken, (i would never want
the piercing scream behind threeyear eyes
to bleed into your own skin if lovepain has never
left you scarred) but when i'm on my Knees
vomiting another fresh wound to tear open again -
why should i be the only one to taste the bile
that rises when i write about the emptiness in Her
eyes and the twisted-nightmares that make me
wake up screaming – screaming -

i want you to Feel this
not to make you hurt like me,
but to hold onto the words and breathe them back to life
and save them from draining dry of blood

because behind my bleeding mirroreyes
filled with a type of screaming that even poetry
can never make real enough for you to feel it -
i want to send you to your knees,
choking on tears that taste of (crushed vicodin
& the drughaze where She used to be – i c h o k e -)
my truth – vomit burning through your eyes so
you can't see (the crimson dripping down the mirror
embedded in a hell bled numb)
me dying as the words
break open like my skin inside the nightmares -
because behind the uglybeauty of my words

(and sylvia is bleeding)

there is nothing left -
there is nothing -
nothing left -
nothing -

there is nothing,
nothing left.

interlude
d e s p e r a t i o n

( fuck me beautiful rape me worthless )
inhale ( choke on ) pain / exhale ( vomit ) numbness
rape me of this bleeding skin -
untouched not for innocence but the filth
burning through me like screams choked with blood
force your way into the emptiness that bleeds
and watch the ribbons of mutilated flesh fall away
i need you inside me – fuck the girl scraped raw
and taste her broken screams.
( the skin is only scars / her flesh tastes like acid )
the Feeling is dead – bleeding – screaming somewhere
far away, and i can't get it back. this hell is pain(ted
numb).

ii. spread your legs for suicide

i r e m e m b e r d y i n g. close my eyes & try to breathe but when i'm suffocating i make myself n u m b even though i still remember / always, i remember. cyanide in your smile that tore me open. " one day, someone will be touching you / and all they'll feel is scars ." i smiled at her and acid dripped from my vomit-stained mouth. ( please ) drain the memories from the bloodinmyeyes because i can't breathe. can't you see that she is already dead? alice pulled the trigger before She ran away with betrayal leaking from between Her legs. and the scar-tissue wrapped tight : i tasted bile as your smile cut through denial. sweat-burning hands scraped against the (broken)((mirror))glass as i cried so hard i coughed(up) Pain, "i need an(other) anesthetic" you never saw what screamed behind my eyes. this wasn't meant to become addiction, but i fucking love you, love you, & i hope you spread your legs for suicide wherever you are, i hope it hurts when it's the truth inside you instead of him, i hope you never forget what you left behind because this won't heal even when i let you go and break at the emptiness without you. but it will take an exorcism to purge your memory now that you've twisted your way inside of me—never forget me yousaid, and i still think you're so fucking blind to the shit you forced into me through my open wounds that you couldn't taste the irony and don't worry, even though you won't think of me anymore, i promise i'll always remember you(because)my arms aren't washingclean.

iii. (and it won't stop bleeding - )

&

i choke(on)burn (y)our Truth
- with every breath that splits open like pain,
with every (false)smile that breaks.

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x
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a/n: i.need.to.cut. i.want.to.bleed. oh.god.just.let.me.breathe.