Confessions

I wish I could explain my reasoning

Wish I could go back

I'm sorry for this circumstance

Nothing like this was meant

I want to return to when it was simple

Because now no matter what I do

It won't ever be the same

I'd known the chances

I'd known the risks

The risks I wouldn't take

It wouldn't be worth it

And I knew that

I didn't ask to think this way

I tried to let it go

It drove me crazy

My own optimism being my downfall

That's the thing

Deep down I always knew

That there was nothing

I'd lose the gamble

But it's not like I could convince myself

At least not completely

Then the conversations came

Probably twisted from their true place

I wish they hadn't spoken

I wish I hadn't listened

For a time I'd felt so glad

But I knew the truth must be different

Nothing like that happens to me

No, not with my pattern

But it's so easy to be swept away

In lies you wish were truths

I wish that I could take it back

Back from April

Back from May

Slap myself to wake up

So I'd avoid this pain

I guess it was really hopeless

I can't help these kinds of things

And trust me how I've tried

It's not like I enjoy complications

I've already taken big hits in my life

This isn't what I wanted

No, not how I wanted it to happen

Of course it never would have turned out good

But at least it wouldn't be like this

Silence thick as stone

Eye contact incomplete

Why did I have to?

Why did I ever speak?

I blame no one but myself

For who else could be at fault?

None of this was vicious

Most definitely not thought out

A slip of words

Or was it a slip of my own

I'll never truly know

I want to say that I am sorry

To apologize for all I've done

What have I done?

Did I do anything at all?

Maybe that's why

I knew this wouldn't work out

I'm shy and have a hard time finding words

Maybe in attempt of hiding

I pointed myself out

I wish I knew

I wish that I wasn't involved

This all seems wrong

It was completely avoidable

Unneeded but still spoken

I'm sorry for this change

I'm sorry that it is this way

I wish I wasn't one of seven

Or is it now at twelve

I don't know

But I wish I wasn't just a fraction

All my life I've tried to be unique

Who knew that this is where that would end

For once I wasn't a minority

I hated that

Maybe that's why I wear black

Just to stand out

Not to be put off as another in the crowd

I should know better

I know that what's inside is what stands out

But my inside has been so torn up

First my family

It has been broken

Some are now dead

I've had to let go of certain things

To maintain my sanity

Now my grades are over me as well

That's me, the perfectionist

And I'm anything but perfect

I know I've grown angry

I hope I haven't hurt anyone

But that hope is probably long gone

I never wanted to

No, I just let life get to me

Well more than it should anyway

And none of these things has yet to change

These are my confessions

Confessions of my heart.