INTRODUCTION

Though not everyone will admit it, everyone secretly wants to be an asshole, or some other variation of an occupation that contains "ass" in its title. This may include ass-kicker, bad-ass, smart-ass, ass-groper (which will probably result in a sexual assault charge), ass-kisser (for you self-important office folk who want to climb the corporate ladder without actually having to do any work—I hope you burn in hell), etc.

You might be wondering what exactly is an asshole? Well, it is classified as a person who is knowingly offensive, ignorant, crude, and mean, and cares not of the consequences. However, not everyone knows how much work really goes into being an asshole. It's a lot more than just sarcasm and making fun of the handicapped and elderly. No, being an effective asshole requires months of study and perfection of many skills. This tutorial covers the three basic requirements, as well as a few other surprises so that everyone can enjoy being the best possible asshole they can be.

STEP ONE: FUCKING CURSE. A FUCKING LOT. FUCK.

This is the very first step to becoming a fucking jerk who everyone wants to kill. Now, keep in mind that not everyone who spews profanities from their mouths is an asshole. But there is scientific evidence to prove that every asshole is an avid swearer. For example, I have the mouth of a sailor, and have been called an asshole on many occasion. Also, every asshole I have ever known still curses on a regular basis. Therefore, I can inductively infer that every asshole curses like it's going out of style. Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, tits, fart, turd, and twat.+

Not only is profanity utterly hilarious, it can also be very offensive to teachers, parents, clergy, and other individuals who prefer not to hear it. Be sure to save all your best strings of foul words for these people. Also, the biggest thing to remember here is to curse all the time, especially when it's not necessary. I would love nothing more than to finish this whole tutorial with a profane phrase in every sentence, but for the sake of professionalism (ha, yeah right), I'll just fucking continue like I'm fucking doing right fucking now.

Speaking of being offensive, this brings us to the second step to becoming an asshole.

+ Lyrics from the Blink-182 song "Family Reunion."

STEP TWO: A GOOD OFFENSE IS THE BEST WAY TO BE A PRICK.

There are many different ways to be offensive. My specialty is using blunt sexual comments toward almost every girl I meet, and usually within the first ten or so minutes into the meeting. Unfortunately, almost everyone I've met has the same mentality I have, so they take everything I say as a joke. But I mean it. There have been, however, a few occasions where I genuinely offended a girl by a not-so-subtle comment. Here's a recount of one such occasion:

One day last week, I was sitting around on campus with some friends, and I was in the "offensive comments" zone, saying witty and blatant comments left, right and center. A girl that one of my friends knows came up to talk to him, and I looked her in the eye and said "You have a massive chest."

She was quite offended by it, and she said "I don't appreciate that very much at all." This, however, is an oxymoronic (yes, it's a word, fucking deal with it) statement, because if she didn't appreciate it very much, that means she would've appreciated it a little, which falsifies her claim that she didn't appreciate it at all. Therefore, she appreciated my comment, if only a little. I'm awesome.

When she left our little corner, I patted myself on the back for a job well done, got a hand-job from one of the by-standing girls whom I made all hot and bothered, and then continued my foray of verbal abuse long into the day.

Sarcasm is another way to be offensive. I'm not talking about the sarcasm people use as a joke or to express their true emotions by saying the opposite. Well, perhaps I do mean that, because that's what sarcasm is, in a nutshell. Fuck off.

The trick here is to use the sarcasm in a very pessimistic way. A key phrase is "Yeah, like that is going to work!"++ Notice the emphasis on "that," which implies that you have little or no confidence in whatever the action "that" is referring to. Here's a hypothetical situation where this optimal phrase is used to its maximum effectiveness:

Person A: "I think I'm going to perform at Open Mic Night this Wednesday."

Me: "Yeah, like that will go well."

Person A: "Hey, don't be an asshole. I'm really self-conscious of my abilities. Why can't you just support my choice?"

Me: "Because you suck. I rule. Get used to it."

Because of this, the Person A would not perform at Open Mic Night this Wednesday, nor any other Wednesday because of that phrase. Instead, it would result in many years of therapy to help them cope with their self-esteem issues, all thanks to me and this glorious statement of sarcasm. Perfectly carried out, wouldn't you say?

++ After "that," the phrase can be ended with "will go well," "will be funny," or some other positive reaction to the situation in question.

STEP THREE: YOU IGNORANT SON OF A BITCH!

Ignorance is bliss... or at least, it'll get you one step closer to that elusive goal of being an asshole. The term "ignorant" is a very general one, but it includes such things as racism, sexism, prejudice, discrimination, and basically any disregard for other people or cultures.+++

Here are some ways you can use your ignorance to aid in the culmination of becoming the greatest asshole the world has ever known:++++

I) When you see a homeless person on the street, walk by them in a casual manner which will cause them to ask for some spare change. Take out your wallet, look them in the eye and ask "Do you have change for a $20?" If they don't, then put your wallet back in your pocket and walk away, feeling accomplished.

However, if by some freak chance, the "homeless" person does have change for a twenty-dollar bill, then that means they are imposters, in which case you should call them a thieving bastard for mooching off society, because that's what they are. Either that, or they're just doing particularly well that night, but who knows? Go to Hell.

II) Listen to all of Dennis Leary's comedy routines that you can find. Dennis Leary is the epitome of being an asshole. He even wrote a song about it, aptly titled "I'm Going to Fucking Kill My Wife and Have Sex With Her Dead Body if She Doesn't Stop Bitching About My Bad Habits," but the censors didn't like a title that long, so he changed it to "Asshole."

III) Fuck with people in hospital waiting rooms. Tell them their spouse or child died a horrible, painful death, and then laugh in their face when you finally show them how much of a gullible douche bag they were for believing you. Then, when the horrified prank-ee insinuates that you lied to them because their significant other is still alive, kill the sick person in question and call them an asshole for implying that you lied. Notice the irony here, because you're the one who's the asshole, yet you're calling them an asshole! It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

For bonus points, show up at the deceased person's funeral and piss on their casket. Chicks get so horny when you do that, they'll practically bang you right there next to the headstone.

+++ i.e. Women, children, mentally and physically handicapped, Mexicans, etc.

++++ Just kidding; no one can ever compare to me.

CONCLUSION

That pretty much covers all the basics you need to know. But don't stop here, for these are just general guidelines. In order for you to become a true asshole, you have to test your abilities. Come up with new methods and tactics, and before you know it, you might even want to write a tutorial of your own to teach others the ways of the asshole.