Green Peppers and Sausage

"Oh thank God! I think I'm going to orgasm."

"I beg your pardon?"

"Did I just say that out loud?"

"Um, yes. Yes you did. And I can honestly say that no woman has ever said that to me before in my entire career as a pizza delivery guy, all six turbulent weeks of it. Especially when delivering to a university office. That'll be ten fifty, by the way."

"Right… sorry about that…"

"That's alright. Everybody's got their freaky side. And apparently yours involves green peppers and sausage and that came out sounding way more dirty than I expected it too…"


"So I'm gonna take my money and go now."

"Sounds like a nice awkward moment ending idea."

"I just need to count out your change."

"Keep it."

"That's very generous of you. Have a nice night and enjoy your orgasm. I mean, pizza. I mean, bye now."

"Hi, can I help—oh shit…"

"You have a singular talent for unique greetings."

"I didn't order any pizza."

"You didn't? Oh. Well, do you think you could direct me to the office of Eileen Bradley? Or maybe call her? My instructions were to deliver the pizza to Miss Eileen Bradley at the front desk of the Overseas Studies office. "

"I said I didn't order any pizza."

"Wow, that's crazy. How do you talk so clearly with your teeth clenched like that?"

"I'm sorry but there must be a mistake, you see, my boss would never allow me to eat while manning the front desk. Because that would look unprofessional even for a work-study student like me."

"I hope you don't find this rude, but you should really get your eyes checked out. You're winking at me like a crazed lemur."


"Who's that lady by the water cooler glaring at us?"

"That would be my boss."

"She looks mean. I bet she can talk through clenched teeth too."

"I'd say yes, but I'm sure my fists are harder."

"Interesting and oh! Will you look at that! I'm such a scatter brain. I was reading it wrong. It's not Eileen Bradley, it's Boobs McRadley. Man. What an embarrassing mistake!"

"Boobs McRadley? Seriously? That's the name you're going with?"

"Yes. In the, uh, let me check this. Ah, here it is! Yeah, in the Health Services office."

"Good God, you're an idiot."

"Here's hoping for a big tip from her, eh?"

"Now who's winking like a crazed lemur, huh? And don't come back here! Pervert."

"I have a green pepper and sausage orgasm for a Miss Eileen Bradley?"


"No. No, I'm pretty sure that's not one of the toppings we offer."

"I didn't order any damn pizza. You brought that here just to mock me."

"Most definitely. I'm allowed to do that, you know, on my off time. Mock customers."

"I hate you."

"And after I came all this way to bring you a free pizza to make up for the one I threw away while covering your ass and lying in front of your boss. Shame on you."

"What are you doing here?"

"I thought we already established that: I'm here to mock you."


"Covered that too."

"I'm not talking to you so I would appreciate it if you would leave before I call the pizza place and get you fired for harassing customers."

"That sounds fun. Maybe I'll talk to your boss and we could get fired together!"

"You can't prove that pizza was mine."

"Again with the clenched teeth. I really am impressed. But that won't be necessary seeing as I'm right here—Ow! That hurt!"

"Well then maybe you shouldn't reach your hands into the personal space of my desk where I am almost guaranteed to slap them."

"Violence never solved anything."

"Wanna bet?"

"Ow! Stop hitting me!"

"Then stop trying to look at the appointments list. It's confidential."

"But I'm on it."

"I'm not listening to you and besides which, there's so my boss so if you'll excuse me… Olivia! Your next appointment is a Laird Willits but he doesn't seem to have shown up yet."

"Yes I have. I'm right here. That's me. Laird Willits."

"You've got to be kidding me."

"Again, no, I'm not kidding you. I am, in fact, Laird Willits, student of this fine university and part-time delivery boy. Oh, and I don't think I can bring this pizza into my appointment with me so could I maybe leave it here at the front desk with you?"


"You again."

"So rude. Your customer service skills need work."

"Why didn't you tell me you were a student here?"

"Didn't come up. I'm surprised at you, thinking that all I do is deliver pizzas."

"You enjoy humiliating me, don't you."

"That's an affirmative, captain!"

"You barely even know me."

"And yet I feel so close to you already. In fact—oh shit!"

"What are you doing?!"

"Shh! I'm hiding."

"I can see that! Get out from under my desk!"


"You can't hide here!"

"Pretty please?"

"Geez, what's so bad that you have to hide under my desk?"

"See that blond out there?"

"I see twelve blondes."

"The sorority chick in the pink shirt."

"They're all sorority chicks in matching shirts with their house symbol on it, moron."

"The one with the sunglasses."


"My ex-girlfriend."

"You idiot. She can't see you from out there."

"Actually, that's a very large window and I feel quite certain that she can see me if I'm not hiding."

"Is she why you're leaving the country?"

"Say what?"

"This is the Overseas Studies office. You are a student here. You had an appointment with a counselor the other day. One would logically conclude that you are therefore planning to leave the country to study overseas. Is she why?"

"Are you aware of just how patronizing you sound?"

"I really don't think that being the pizza delivery boy hiding from his girlfriend under my desk gives you any room to chastise me."

"I see your point. So I'll be leaving now assuming that the devil incarnate has gone. She is gone, right?"

"Your ex? Yes, she's gone."

"Good. I'll see you later."

"Wait! Didn't you have an appointment or something?"

"Oh right. No I just came to… pick up… this! Yep! This is it! A brochure for Australia. Cheers mate!"

"Who was that?"

"No one. Just some student. Like you. Only not quite as annoying and doesn't deliver pizzas. Can I help you with something?"

"Are you crying?"

"What? No. Just allergies."

"I see… Will pizza help? Green peppers and sausage, I wheedled in a charming voice that she could not resist. Oh, look! You're smiling!"

"You idiot. I was not crying."

"I can go hit him with my car if you like."

"Heh. Tempting, but no. Can you run yourself over?"

"Now there's the Eileen we all know and love."

"Why do I feel as though you're mocking me again? And why are you sitting down? Don't sit down! I didn't say you could sit down and talk to me! Leave! Leave this instant!"

"Have I mentioned before that your customer services skills are severely lacking?"

"What is it with you assholes!? Why do you all feel so compelled to come in here and make my life miserable!?"

"Because it's fun? Maybe you should consider not rewarding us with such hilarious facial expressions. I mean, I don't know a single girl who turns the same adorable shade of puce. See! Like that. It's very hard to resist making you do that."

"I hate you."

"No you don't. I'm the bringer of green pepper and sausage orgasms. You could never truly hate me. Oh, hey, isn't that your boss? Hi Olivia!"



"Don't you have, like, classes or something to go to? Pizza to deliver? Why are you always hanging out here? During my work schedule?"

"Just happy coincidence, my dear. Happy coincidence."

"Right… I hope you enjoy the next thirty minutes of silence as I studiously ignore you."

"Okay then, I'll do my best."

"Do I really turn puce?"

"That was only five minutes."

"Because I looked it up, you know—the color puce—and I really don't think it's even possible."

"Actually, four minutes and fifty-three seconds, but I figure that's close enough to round up to five."

"And it's definitely not an adorable color so I think I have effectively disproved your earlier assertion that guys like to make fun of me for the color of my face."

"I beg to differ."

"Well that's just too bad because I'm ignoring you. And since I've just proven you wrong anyway, I really don't care what you have to say. I'll figure out why assholes like to stand me up and cheat on me and insult me all on my own."

"Sounds like quite the project."

"Shh! I'm not talking to you."

"Well that's worrisome. I am the only other person in here, after all."

"Shut up. I'm onto something here."

"That's good to know. And what would that be?"

"All men are assholes."

"You've really given this whole color puce thing a lot of thought, haven't you?"

"I'm not talking about puce anymore. We've already covered that."

"We have, have we?"

"Yes. What I want to know now is how to fix my problem. How do I make him feel like the shit that he made me feel? Huh? That's what I wanna know."

"That's easy. You move on. Be happy without him. No better way to make a man feel like crap than to show him you don't need him."

"Kind of like I don't need you?"



"Forget your key?"

"Where'd you come from?"

"My mother's womb?"

"Har har, very funny. I meant… oh never mind."

"You meant, why is he running into me here outside my dorm instead of at the office?"


"I followed you."

"Ew? Creepy?"

"No, not like that! I was just worried. I didn't think it was safe for you to walk home alone."

"Still ew and just how many times have you followed me?"

"I'd rather not answer that…"

"Okay, then I'm going inside where I'm safe from the stalker pizza boy."

"Wait, I, uh—Okay! Ever since that time you were crying and pretending not to because of the stupid prick who wouldn't leave you alone."

"When was I crying because you wouldn't leave me alone?"

"Not me! The other guy!"

"Oh. Well, thanks. That was kinda sweet of you."

"Wow. He really did a number on you, didn't he?"

"What? Where the hell do you get off making that kind of assumption about my life?"

"Because you just thanked me."

"I—oh. Shit! You're right. I'd have to be pretty messed up to have thanked you. Okay, well, I found my key so I'm going inside now. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Yeah. See you tomorrow."

"You're late."

"I'm sorry, I just got off work. I delivered as fast as I could but there was this moron at a frat party who made me wander the whole place yelling his name because he thought it was funny—"

"Yeah, well I've been waiting here for you to walk me back to the dorms for nearly a half hour. I pretty well thought you weren't coming."

"This is the first time I've ever been late, Eileen. Cut me some slack here."

"Cut you some slack? You think because you're tall and cute and have those floppy brown curls and green eyes that you can just come and go as you please and I'll swoon and forgive you and make you life easy every time?"

"What the hell?! First of all, you have never swooned and made my life easy. And second, my eyes are brown, not green, Eileen. But that other guy? The one that made you cry? I bet his were green, weren't they? God, I was an idiot to think you'd get over him."

"Oh yeah? Well what about miss blonde pink sorority shirt? You're moving all the way to a different country just to get over her!"

"I'm not going anywhere, Eileen! I never was!"

"Then what were you doing in the Overseas Studies office all the time? Why did you pick up brochures and make counseling appointments?"

"If you haven't figured that out yet, then you are seriously clueless."

"You mean…"

"Yeah, I like fiery redheads that turn puce when I say 'orgasm', not stupid blondes in sunglasses. Or at least, I did. Call me when you're ready to move on, Eileen."

"Laird. Laird, wait. Laird! Slow down!"

"What do you—mrmph! Oof! Oh man… I think I've just had the wind knocked out of me. You know, for future reference I prefer my kisses to be not so violent. I'm not fond of getting my nose smashed. Shall I give you some tips on making kissing a more pleasurable experience?"

"It was an accident! I wasn't trying to kiss you. I just fell on your lips."

"Tip #1: Kissing is always more enjoyable when your partner's lips do not come at you in a full force tackling run."

"I didn't mean to tackle you! I was just trying to say I'm sorry but you walk so darn fast with those scary-long legs of yours!"

"Tip #2: Kissing should always be intentional. Accidental kissing is dangerous as you never know whose lips you might fall onto. Though in some cases, I suggest you just go with it."

"Stop touching my face like that, it's very distracting when I'm trying to tell you that I'm sorry and you're right and I am over him. And if you had half a brain you would totally recognize that saying this isn't easy for me to say so I'm just gonna spill my guts like an idiot: I like you. There! Happy? God, I sound stupid!"

"Tip #3: If your partner is babbling uncontrollably, silence her with said kissing."

"Laird, are you even listening to—"


"You see, Eileen? Silence is Golden."

"Actually Laird, you're wrong. It's a green pepper and sausage pizza."

"Can't argue with that."

The End