She Said, "No, No, No, No, No...That's Not How It's Supposed To Go,"
I said, "So, So, So, So Sorry, But I Guess This Is Goodbye, Goodbye..."
The original title is a song lyric from the song "Goodbye Goodbye" by the band Hotspur
Plain and simple. I'm sick and tired.
Sick and tired of constantly just being that friend that you go to only when no one else will talk to you.
You have friends who love you dearly; you don't always care to find them.
As soon as you grow tired of looking for them, (poof) there I am, always lending an ear.
That's what a close friend is for though, right?
Yet have you noticed the extent of this "close friendship" you claim we have?
Look closely, it may surprise you. Or it may not. Maybe you realize what you do, and you see nothing wrong with it.
But don't forget…
I'm human. Being treated like one rather than a forgotten journal is preferred.
Most friends don't stick around with the term of confidante when they are spoken to only in those terms, never as more.
We spend three consecutive hours a day together, and five days a week all year long. Do you know how often you've spoken to me?
Maybe once or twice a week at most, if even that much, except for the last few days or so, and even then...
"Just because I havent talked to you in so long
doesn't mean that I don't miss you."
I don't mind being that person you go to when no one else feels like listening to your problems, or when you feel like you're alone. I really don't. I know how that feels, and I wouldn't wish that fate on my worst enemy.
(Okay…maybe one of my worst enemies, just to see what happens.)
But…last I checked, close friends are also people you just talk to, just for the hell of it. Not just 'cause they're there. Not just 'cause it's the right thing to do since they're around.
You know…sometimes I wish that I could just hate you.
It pains me to even look at you now. Not the romantically heartbroken kind of pain, that I delt with long ago. This is a different heartbroken kind of pain. The kind of heartbroken where you feel like...one of the few people you care about most has forgotten you, has kinda...thrown you aside, despite what the words he or she might say. The way an old childhood security blanket or toy would feel (if, hypothetically, of course, it/they had human emotions and feelings) once the child has grown too old and tired of them. Example: a girl's favorite stuffed animal from her infant days, tossed in the corner of a closet the second she discovers the joys of putting on make up with her friends.
You're my friend, and at one time, once long ago, you were so much more to me than "just a friend". You still are in some ways, and I can't just stop caring because you seem to (except for the formalities, of course).
"There comes a time when we have to stop liking somone altogether,
because you finally realize how much happier you would be if you did."
Maybe it's unconscious jealousy. Maybe it's insecurity. Maybe I'm just a horrible person. Maybe I just like attention. I don't know.
But maybe...I just hate being nothing more to you than a personal journal and the occasional advice giver. You say I mean more to you than just that. Well, how about showing me? When we were once...more than just friends, I had issues, yes I know, but one reason I never got over them? You told me you'd always be there for me. But that's all you ever did. You told me. Nothing more. You never really showed me.
You once said, "I hope we can still be friends." And I said yes. That's all I've ever asked to be ever since: a friend. You seem to think it means just a friend that you talk to only when something has gone astray.
The only times you ever talk to me, really talk to me, anymore is if you have a problem, if I ask you to read a story of mine, or if I ask you to look at my artwork.
And even in those senses…I've given up.
You don't finish the stories anymore. You don't even look at the art anymore. And I can't blame you.
You have a life, and that's great. I'm glad you do. You're almost 18. You should be able to live that life. But until the day I never see you again, the day you graduate, I'd like to be part of what's left of it.
And so do I. I have a life too. I've taken time out of mine for you…Worrying about you when you've had your problems and needed someone to listen. Hoping everything goes right when you have something good going for you.
"It's a horrible feeling.
Holding on when you know you should be letting go."
Outside of the weeklong vacations, can't you just take a few minutes out of a day just to say hi? Not even everyday. Just maybe every once and a while?
If you'd rather not have me in your life, then tell me. I'm not a little girl. If you don't want me there, then I'll just be another random student passing you by in the halls until the day you graduate. Better yet, if you'd just rather me just be the friend you go to so you can vent or when you need advice, say it. Just say those words, and it's done. But if you do want me in your life as a friend...well...
In less than three weeks, you leave this godforsaken place, and its godforsaken people.
You leave friends and the things you once loved.
Just like you wanted to.
And then…You won't have to see me again, and I won't have to see you every day, worrying about you everytime I see you. Worrying if your life is going well. Wondering if God's being fair for once or if fate and destiny are using their twisted sense of humor for entertainment again.
Though I doubt that any day after two and a half weeks from now that you'll notice anymore…
I don't want you to turn around one day and notice that…that the people that cared for you before and that you cared about all your life, in middle school, in high school, in elementary, whatever, are gone when you need them most.
I don't mean the friends you see everyday or anything…I mean those you've forgotten, and not just me, if that's what you're thinking. I know there were others before me, and there has been and will be those after me, those who were or will be there for much longer than I ever could be, so don't think that. But…I don't know how to say it…
But as for the subject I fell off as I took off on that tangent…
Don't make me the Tammi Terrell to your Marvin Gaye's "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" when you know our friendship isn't even that, and don't look for the girl with the broken smile anymore. Not if how you define our friendship is strictly what it is: the journals that give advice and lend a sympathetic ear when one of us has problems, ones that we only speak to because we're being polite.
Is it too much to ask to also be…just a friend? An actual friend?
But then again, just like you once said...
I'm just a little school girl sitting to the side with her notebook and sketchpad after all...
"Good-byes make you think,
they make you realize what you've had,
what youve lost, & what youve taken for granted."
Author's Note #2:
This was written in early June to an ex-boyfriend of mine, who is part of the inspiration for one of my upcoming stories and one of my short poems on here. Update: He and I have worked things out and are now both pretty content with our lives and our friendship. He had issues, I had issues...this was my way of dealing with mine. He has his own way. R&R if you'd like; I didn't really intend for that, but I just wanted to put it up. The phrases in quotes are ones that I've read on xangas and numerous other places, and the title, like I wrote before, is a song lyric.