The Ultimate Guide to Robbing a Bank
author's note: this is a follow-up to The Ultimate Guide to Fictionpress Popularity. half of this is actual writing advice, the other is having to do with the title. by the way, i'm writing fashionably. yeah.
also note: results may vary. i've added in some comments of my own that you should be able to distinguish from the content easily, they sound sane.
Welcome back, kawaiineko! I see you've followed my instructions from last time and are now parading around with hundreds of faithful dogs--err, I mean, fans. Yeah. But hm--what's that? You want to -gasp- write your own story?
What's the point of that?
Ow! Alright, alright, I'll teach you! We'll go through these steps: planning/outline, rough draft, revision...
OW! Okay, okay. We'll take the simple way.
Firstly, you must come up with an idea. Don't even try to be original! You're writing for popularity, not for a stupid thing like expressing your creativity. And as we all know, if you want to be like the popular girls, you have to dress like them and act like them.
1) Pump out the first few chapters at an absurdly fast rate, and update at intervals of 1-2 months after that.
2) Complain about your siblings, even if you don't have any.
3) Complain about your parents/guardians. I'm pretty sure you had one of these at one point.
4) Complain about your boyfriend/girlfriend. If you don't have one, head to the local prison and bail one out.
For plots, use cliches. Some ideas are:
1) Ordinary boy/girl in high school somehow ends up paired with for a project/living with their crush.
2) Ordinary boy/girl in high school meets being from another world and must help them save their world.
3) Ordinary boy/girl must somehow stand being within five feet proximity of their worst enemy, and falls in love with them.
We'll need characters, of course!
1) 'emo' boy with very nice hair who likes cutting himself
2) punk/goth girl with weird nickname (Poison, etc.) and ordinary real name (Maureen, Agatha, etc.)
3) ditzy fashion-loving blond gossip
4) super hyper 'fag hag' girl who loves to matchmake
5) crazy main character who is addicted to sweets of some sort
6) gay male who's very effeminate (ie, girly)
7) cold, mean, tall male who has a lot of pride (also very handsome)
8) annoying younger brother
9) annoying older brother
10) preppy girl who's very mean
and so on.
Now to put the first chapter up!
Make sure to put your writing under the Romance category, even if there isn't any romance! People ALWAYS read romance stories. Manga, too.
When writing the summary, be as vague as possible. Write both summary and book with principles taught in How to Write Badly by fading innocence. Also, if you have warnings, don't bother to put them in brackets.
(list of warnings/statuses: slash, yaoi, shonen-ai, femslash, shoujo-ai, yuri, oneshot, complete, fin, finished, violence, gore, imagery, PG, PG-13, R, NC-17, language, sexual content)
(if your writing is G-rated, then you must be a children's book writer. TAKE IT SOMEWHERE ELSE.)
In fact, for more popularity, put 'slash' in the summary. Who the hell cares if there's no actual gay romance or not? Those girls are freaky anyway.
(i'm a fangirl myself.)
Give your story an overused title. Good ones are:
I, Myself, and I
The Chosen One
Now click submit! You are DONE!
Now sit back and let the reviews pour in.
Note that many of them will be enraged slash fangirls.
How to Rob a Bank without Getting Caught: Extra Manly Version
There are three essential things you need for a bank robbery: a weapon, a mask, and some string.
MANLY string. Yeah.
First off, weapons. Who needs a gun for a bank robbery? I'd go for a machete. Or some pepper spray.
For a mask, you could always steal one from the set of Friday the 13th from that Jason guy. (Do you know how hard it is to breathe in a ski mask?)
Manly string can be found by unraveling the sweater your grandmother sent you for Christmas last year.
Now you must find a bank! A small one will do. Those big ones tend to be a bit harder to rob.
Go on a Friday, or a Monday. Make sure your mask is securely fastened. Wear gloves. (These don't have to be manly.) Now rush in there with your pepper-spray and go crazy! Beat up old ladies with their purses! And then steal the purses! Make the teller give you all the money. And then pepper-spray them in the eyes.
Alternate method (which uses your manly string): Take a hostage. This can be a child or a very short man. That way, it'll be harder for them to get out of your manly string trap. Unless it's that guy who plays Mini-Me from Austin Powers. He's one feisty midget.
One you have the money, RUN LIKE HELL. If you're smart, you should have arranged a getaway car. If I were nice, I would have told you about that earlier.
Assuming that you escaped successfully and are not sitting in jail playing with your manly string, congratulations! You are now a BANK ROBBER! And a FUGITIVE FROM JUSTICE! Now send me a thousand dollars, for being your almighty instructor.
not very good, i know. sorry about that. review?