-1Wow. Just wow. I feel like a complete douche bag. Alright, that last chapter fucked me up. Bad. My friend is pissed at me and I'm not quite sure how to deal with it. So I'm writing this now as a release and a semi apology I suppose.


Well, last chap fucked me royally. I'm a dickhead and I should probably change that last chapter, but I won't. Some things came out less sensitive than they probably should have, but I believe in what I wrote, at least most of it. So I don't know, this chap is dealing with emotions since I'm in, maybe, the purest state of emotion I've been in for a long time.

What's emotion got to do with it?

-Emotions are everything, Tox. They help you relate to people and drive you forward.-

They also make you feel like shit, and that you can't get anything right.

-What the fuck, Tox? Be optimistic.-

Shut the fuck up. Emotions don't do anything but constrict you from rational thought.

-Rational thought isn't always the best thing. Rational thought tells you that you can't move at the speed of light without disintegrating. Emotional thought give you the drive to try and achieve something that contradicts that-

Apparently Emotional thought will leave you with lots of burnt-out husks too, if even that much is left.

-If people thought like that nothing would be accomplished.-

No, people did think like me. They did the equations and realized it was possible, before doing something retarded.

-Point is you're too fucking logical, grow some emotion, bastard.-

Whatever, back onto my typing.

Emotion! Emotion. Dammit. To be a writer you need emotion, right? Isn't that amount enough? Why is emotion necessary for everyday life? Honestly, I don't get it.

Alright, there was break in writing here. And due to my lack of emotion, I've lost the, err, emotional zeal that the above writing displays. If that makes sense

Anyway, back to it. What the hell is emotion for, some say to love, some say… other things. Nonetheless I'm dumbstruck as to how certain people can allow their emotions to get in the way of seeing something for what it is. Yes, this is aimed a bit at the friend whom I hurt, but all I was doing was giving my opinion on a subject matter. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends and she's no exception. I just don't agree with the way she felt at the moment of reading my, I suppose, article. It was just an in-depth view of friendship through my eyes, not a personal attack, and although I already apologized, I hope she understands that. It's just, I don't know, I feel that people are too quick to let emotion judge their reaction than reason. I have personally been told too many times too count that I'm way too logical and not emotional enough. I'm an artist, and a writer, while admittedly my art far surpasses my writing skills, these both take some understanding and conveyance of emotion to make them good. That shows that I've got some feeling in me, right? Maybe it's not everyone else's flaw maybe I am too insensitive, but what's wrong with that? That insensitivity is what makes me, me. That insensitivity, while not necessarily a good thing, allows me to see things from a different stand point than other people. Sometime ago, maybe a year or two, my friend wrote a paper about Spanish brutality somewhere in the early Americas. The question was: "Do you think the Spanish brutality was justified? Why or why not?". Well need less to say once people hear brutality, they just up and say that's wrong, my friend instead, not necessarily agreeing with the brutality, saw the use of killing and torture to get the point across for the conquistadors personal gain. Rather than hear him out students began to disagree right off the bat: "That's mean!" "You're a jerk". Mind you he never said he agreed or supported their cruelness, instead he said it was justified, why he thinks it was justified is beside the point. I, being of sound mind and body or whatever, heard him out and agreed with him. What does this show? People are much faster to use emotion and respond emotionally, not necessarily lash out, rather than think rationally and respond in the same. Emotion is hard subject to talk about though I must admit. I can see all of the advantages of emotion as well as the disadvantages. In martial arts, it's said that you need emotion behind your attack for it to be effective or more effective, while at the same time allowing your emotion to get the best of you would provide opposite results.

Too Little Emotion less effective

Proper Emotion more effective

Excessive Emotion less effective

Is it safe to apply this to human beings in regards to everyday life? Maybe not, but we will for now. I used to think I was around the middle ground, but apparently I'm not, I'm a step below. I perform below a certain standard so to speak, I guess. I'm convinced though that most people in the world fall under the extremes of: too little and excessive. I'm not gonna count myself in this theory, I'm not a fair judge of my character. Many people who fall under the extremes of these are so unemotional they're nearly apathetic to people and/or their situations. The opposite of this is too much, the person who reacts emotionally to everything. The in between, proper emotion, is the balance, knowing when emotional feedback or response is necessary or allowed and when it's not. Well let's see the desired emotional stability is proper emotion, correct? I think I know only and handful of people who are like this.

-Tox, Just about all of my friends fall under, proper emotion. So stfu.-

You don't know that. Emotion is the way someone thinks they don't always have to show that side of themselves to you. When I'm around my… I said I wouldn't include myself. Ok, so say Samuel hangs with his friends and has a good time and they make jokes and stuff, blah blah. Let's assume for a moment that in the midst of all these jokes his friend says something that hurts him, he might not show it, but it might have hurt him inside more than it was meant to. Samuel Excessive Emotion. Proper emotion suggests that you accept the joke for what it is, a joke, and move on with your day; allowing you to progress with your day as efficiently as you can without being hung up on that joke or whatever. Too little emotion in the situation may put you in the position or saying a terribly mean thing as a joke… or whatever.

Ok, there might be a part two to this, I'm not sure. Ended it kinda abruptly. This was an attempt at my understanding of emotion to help me understand where my friend was coming from and for my friend to understand where I'm coming from.

I just want to issue another apology to that special someone. She knows who she is and I hope she read the whole thing and really understands how sorry I am that I offended her or if I gave the impression that I didn't value our relationship. I'm truly sorry for any grief I caused, blatant or indirectly. I hope you come to terms with this latest addition to the book of "Retarded and Insensitive Things I've Done", and forgive me. I couldn't imagine a world where I wasn't close to you I some way. I'm sorry.