Cast of Characters


JUSTIN, 25 years old; overgrown frat boy.

RICH, also 25 years old; JUSTINís loyal (but sensible) best friend.

SCENE: A generic greasy spoon diner.

TIME: Late morning.

AT RISE: JUSTIN is sitting alone in a booth.

JUSTIN
(Flipping through menu. Has a cell phone next to him.)

(RICH enters diner and looks around until he spots JUSTIN. Heads over and sits across from him.)

RICH
Hey. I got your message. Is everything all right?

JUSTIN
Sorry, man, didn't mean to freak you out or anything. Yeah, everythingís fine.

RICH
Oh, good.
(Pauses.)
Then . . . what's up?

JUSTIN
. . . Why are you looking at me like that?

RICH
Because I know you.

JUSTIN
Everything's okay. It's just . . . Emily and I had something we wanted to ask you.

RICH
Justin, are you and Emily - are you guys getting married?

JUSTIN
Are you serious?

RICH
Well, you start off with, like, hey Rich, me and Emily have something we want to ask you . . .

JUSTIN
Oh, hell no. We're not ready for that kinda commitment.

RICH
Okay.
(Pause.)
Do you need me to help you hide a body or something?

JUSTIN
No. Just promise you won't freak out. I know how you get.

RICH
I don't get like anything.

JUSTIN
What about the time my sister put the tarantula in your -

RICH
Don't bring that up here!

JUSTIN
You totally freaked out then.

RICH
Shit, Justin, I was ten years old! You'd've freaked out too!

JUSTIN
My dad found you curled up in the basement next to the water heater, rocking back and forth and mumbling to yourself.

RICH
You're overexaggerating.

JUSTIN
Anyway, Emily and I had a favor to ask of you and you absolutely have to promise you won't freak out.

RICH
Okay, okay. I promise I won't freak out, scout's honor, cross my heart and hope to die.

JUSTIN
Emily and I were wondering if you'd be willing to join us . . .

RICH
Join you . . . ?

JUSTIN
You know.

RICH
On a kayaking trip? On Family Feud? On top of Old Smoky? What, Justin?

JUSTIN
Stop playing dumb, Rich.

RICH
You're the one who's being all vague and - ooooh - mysterious.

JUSTIN
Oh, for Christ's sake.
(Looks around and then leans in.)
Emily and I wanna know if you'll join us.
(Pause.)
In bed.

RICH
You're joking, right?

JUSTIN
(Sits back.)
You're totally freaking out. I knew it.

RICH
I'm not freaking out. Although, Jesus, Justin, could you honestly blame me?

JUSTIN
You're freaking out. Your ears are turning red.

RICH
What? They are not!
(Touches his ears self-consciously.)

JUSTIN
You promised.

RICH
I didn't know you were going to try and get me into bed.

JUSTIN
You're acting like I'm trying to seduce you.

RICH
(Beat.)
Are you?

JUSTIN
No! I told you, Emily and I want you to share this experience with us. I mean, we've all been friends for years. And besides, I've seen already seen you naked.

RICH
Oh, please, speak up. I don't think the little blue-haired granny in back heard you loud enough the first time.

JUSTIN
I just think this would be a really cool bonding experience. Plus, you've always wanted to nail Emily -

RICH
I have not!

JUSTIN
Come on. Everybody wanted to nail Emily back in high school.

RICH
Dude, she's your girlfriend.

JUSTIN
Doesn't mean you don't wanna nail her.

RICH
Why would I want to have sex with your girlfriend?

JUSTIN
Who wouldn't?

RICH
Uh. Me.

JUSTIN
Listen, Rich, I wouldn't let just any guy screw my girlfriend. I'm asking you because I trust you. I know you.

RICH
This is so weird.

JUSTIN
Just think of it as a bonding experience.

RICH
You have a really twisted idea of bonding, man.

JUSTIN
Rich, come on.

RICH
I know you're used to getting what you want from me, but not this time.

JUSTIN
You're just afraid.

RICH
Of what?

JUSTIN
That this is, like, me coming onto you or something.

RICH
I am not! When did I ever say that?

JUSTIN
Just now! You said I was trying to seduce you.

RICH
I did not. You asked if I thought you were trying to seduce me!

JUSTIN
Yeah, like that'd work. Anyway, that's not the point. The point is, you're afraid.

RICH
And you're kind of crazy.

JUSTIN
If you weren't afraid, you wouldn't be so close-minded about it.

RICH
I'm not close-minded, Justin. I just don't want to have sex with your girlfriend.

JUSTIN
Dude, what is it about her? Why don't you wanna screw her? Are you trying to say she's ugly or something?

RICH
That's not it! She's your girlfriend! It's like she's your - territory or something.
(Pause.)
And that really didn't come out how I meant it, but you know what I mean.

JUSTIN
Rich, you're my best friend. What's mine is yours.

RICH
Okay, that's more than a little messed up.

JUSTIN
You're like a brother to me, man.

RICH
Oh, and that makes it much less creepy.

JUSTIN
Look, man. We've been best friends since - well, forever. We grew up together. We went to the same college, we joined that U2 cover band even though you don't even like U2, we pledged together. It would really mean a lot to me if we could do this together too.

RICH
You want me to have sex. With your girlfriend. With you not only in the same room, but in the same bed! This is so fucking weird!

JUSTIN
What's so weird about it?

RICH
What's not weird about it, Justin? Yeah, you're my best friend and I'd take a bullet for you and all, but I'm not going to have sex with your girlfriend. And certainly not with you in the same bed.

JUSTIN
It'll help bring the three of us closer.

RICH
There are some things I'd rather leave to the imagination, if you know what I mean.

JUSTIN
I've already seen you naked.

RICH
Dude, this is a bit more intimate than me running out of the bathroom wearing nothing but a washcloth because your bitch of a sister stole my towel.

JUSTIN
So, you are afraid.

RICH
Afraid of what?

JUSTIN
Getting too close to me.

RICH
There are just some lines that shouldn't be crossed, I guess.

JUSTIN
I can't believe this. I'm trying to share the most important thing in my life with you, and you're, like, accusing me of trying to get in your pants or something.

RICH
That's not what I was getting at and you know it.

JUSTIN
I'm really hurt, man.

RICH
Don't you dare try and guilt trip me. That isn't gonna work.

JUSTIN
(Appears crestfallen.)

RICH
(Continues to sip his water. Flips through the menu. Finally speaks.)
Oh, give me a break.

JUSTIN
What? I didn't even say anything.

RICH
You're doing the injured puppy look. You know I can't stand the injured puppy look. You're such an asshole.

JUSTIN
What injured puppy look? I'm not doing anything.

RICH
Your shoulders get all slumpy and you blink a lot, and make your eyes all big. Like this.
(Mimics JUSTIN.)
I hate when you do that.

JUSTIN
Sorry. I'll try to be less disappointed.

RICH
(RICH fiddles with his glass, eyeing JUSTIN occasionally. Finally, he puts the glass down.)
Okay. Fine.

JUSTIN
What?

RICH
I'll do it.

JUSTIN
I thought you didn't -

RICH
I changed my mind. That okay with you?

JUSTIN
Well, yeah! Emily's gonna be so excited! I gotta call her. Dude, you're -
(JUSTIN moves to embrace RICH; RICH ducks.)

RICH
Dude, don't make a scene. I'm gonna go settle the bill.

JUSTIN
Okay, man. I'm gonna call Emily and let her know it's on.
(JUSTIN picks up the cell phone and dials. RICH leaves to pay the bill.)
Hey, Em. Just got done talking with Rich. Yeah, he's gonna do it. . . . Is he excited? Don't worry about that.
(Pauses. Smiles.)
We'll get him excited.

BLACKOUT