An Open Letter to My Sixteen-Year-Old Self

(I wrote this a year ago. I posted it on a forum, but not here. I've reworked it somewhat, but the message remains the same.)

Can an Atheist have a crisis of faith? Although I am still an Atheist, the way the community has become makes me ashamed. They say Christians are closed-minded – but some of the most hateful people I know are atheists. At one point I almost bought into the Dawkins mindset. I was convinced atheists were the superior group, and I lorded it over other people. Looking back now at high school, some people were some Christians who I was mean to just because we had differing belief systems. I even ripped one of those Gideon Bibles up in front their faces – somebody that was in the same tutor class as me. I feel incredibly bad now. I've since read the New Testament. And although I don't believe in the resurrection, I do believe in the teachings of Jesus. His wisdom very much aligns with my progressive world view. Sometimes I wish I was a Christian, have the belief there is a better place after dead – besides nothingness. I love the message of hope. There are some Christian I've known over the years who I've envied (in fact, I've felt I became an Atheist to spite them, at times). There's a sense of community within Christianity, something that's lacking within the Atheist community – besides a united hatred. Yet, like Ragnar from Vikings, I probably never convert. I would be lying if I said I believed.

It's kinda funny looking back on what you wrote when you were fifteen. I came across a religious parody I wrote at high school, mocking the first few books of the Old Testament. When I wrote them, I thought I was incredibly funny. Reading them again as a 30-year-old, all I can do is cringe. The work lacks a sense of purpose and has jokes that are incredibly bad taste. Thankfully I never published this work online – it was handwritten. But there was that fake religion I helped create, and for a year or so annoyed the Bible forums. I only ever got one "convert", who landed up writing some of the later books (I won't reveal their name since they were quite active on the forums several years ago). I haven't read these works for years, but they are like my other works, they will be cringeworthy. Sadly, I've lost access to nearly all my accounts, so I can't erase these embarrassing things (remember kids, nothing is ever lost on the internet). I've also written a few poems dealing with biblical subjects. Although the poetry is probably of suspect quality, I'm still proud of them, and gladly accept them into my opus of works.

Even though I am an Atheist, I am incredibly interested in the Bible. I've read parts of the book several times, and the stories it tells are powerful. How much of the Bible is true is debatable? There was a time I even questioned the existence of Jesus. Even with more farfetched stories, like the Exodus, there might be some truth in the story. Before the rise of the Kingdoms of Judah and Israel, for example, were occupied by the Egyptians. Perhaps the exodus was the ancient Hebrews fighting back against the foreign invasion (similar to the Maccabee revolt). Perhaps there was a small group of Hebrew slaves who escaped enslavement in Egypt, returning to their homeland. Over time the message has changed. It's quite obvious, the way the Bible describes the event is inaccurate, but I still believe there is some truth in the narrative. I'm probably not the best person to quote when it comes to the Bible. Some academics and archaeologists are far better people to cite and know what they're talking about.

Even though I've moved away from thinking Christianity is the enemy, and that it must be destroyed, I still believe in secularism. I fervently believe in the separation of church and state. I believe people should be allowed to believe and worship whatever they want, and at the same time, religion shouldn't define how we govern. The thing about secularism is that you don't have to be an atheist to support it. I did an article a few years ago on whether religion should be taught in schools. The thing I found most fascinating was that the people driving the secular movement were Christians. Secularism and religion can go hand-in-hand.

For the past few years, I have been attending choir at a local church. Their openness has made me rethink my views on Christianity. Even though there will always be people like Brian Tamaki, and all the other televangelist, who spew and hatred just like the toxic elements of Atheism, the good Christians outnumber the bad. I guess, if there's one thing I believe in it's the humanity in people, and people's willingness to good no matter what faith, race, or creed they have.

I hope everyone is being safe during this troubling times. Kia kaha, kia atawhai.

-Toby