"...and now i know why you're so depressed."
from behind the computer screen, i could see the smirk
on your face. words are empty and feeling is nothing
when they come from you.
and i screamed at nothing. "how dare you say that?
after all the things i told you," i whispered (to no one)
behind tears and the want to bleed.
"you don't take value in anything. you see everything
as a need, not a blessing." how can you tell me
that i don't see the value or the blessing when i am
blessed to still be living (not dead by my own hands)
for all the friends in my life and i value all that God
has given me?
"you don't understand," i retorted, numb with tears
"yeah, i don't understand what it's like to be alone:
to hurt myself because of it. you act like you are
the only person this can effect." but such words
hurt more than anything because you just don't
understand how burning memories and bleeding
scars are so important to me. "you let your past
run your life." and you don't know how important
my past is to me, how it makes me who i am, and
how much it hurts when people mock all the things
i have been through.
i want nothing more to do with you.
the want to bleed over you is too strong and i choked
back tears, scratching hard at skin but i am so much
stronger than that.
"he is only doing that because you aren't paying attention
to him and hurting you is the only way for him to feel better,"
she told me as i hid behind my hair and tears, curled in a ball.
"i just can't believe he would say that after all the things
i told him." but then i remember how much i wanted you
but i would go back and take back all that happened
if it would save me from this hurt. "i'm stronger than him."
it's things (words) like these that make me stronger and
remind me of why i'm waiting for someone so much better.
but i want to remind you of what you can't have because
you aren't where you are supposed to be and how can you say
those things? you should know by now i would tell her and
i am so much better than you. and now i know i never meant
a thing to you (— i'm sorry for trying to mean something).
author's note: i'm sorry this doesn't make sense to you, readers. nothing i've been writing makes sense anything. but two days ago, he said some things that made me hurt more than anything. the conversation that i used for this piece took place over an IM conversation and although it might not seem like much, i know that he would have never said any of this to me to my face ... i'm taking the things he says as truth. although this is slightly paraphrased, i tried to remember as much as possible ... especially the parts that made me hurt. after this conversation, i want nothing to do with him at all. again, i'm so sorry if this doesn't make sense...