It was my birthday. You asked me what I wanted. I told you not to get me anything special.
You got me a necklace.
It wasn't just any necklace, either, you know. When I said 'nothing special', I meant plain, ordinary, the way I see myself. What you got me was the exact opposite--fancy, extraordinary. It was a fancy necklace that came in a little fancy box. When I opened the box and saw the necklace, I admit I was stunned. Because hanging from the thin silver chain were three different sized jewels.
It made me feel guilty, the way you went and got me something so pretty, so elegant, especially after what I did. You were going to ask me out; I rejected you before you even got the chance to do so. I told you I loved you--just not in the way you wanted me to. You were--still are--my friend. I cherish you for that reason alone. But asking for anything beyond my friendship is too much. Just too much.
It's because of him.
You know him. All of our friends know him. They know him because I can't get over him. Him I have liked for so long, almost three, four years. Him who I barely talked to until last year. Him who makes me smile, even if it is only just someone saying his name, him smiling at me from across the room, hearing his voice.
Yes, I know, you make me smile, too.
But not like him. I smile at you because you are my friend. We share jokes, stories, tales of how we spent our weekends. I smile at you because I like to know how you are, what's going on in your life. I smile at him because he makes me feel good, despite how bad my day was, or how terrible I'm feeling. I smile at him because with just one poke, he makes my day. I smile at him because he makes me laugh, even if he does something stupid.
I smile at him because I love him.
And no matter how many times I tell my friends that I'm getting over him, trying to like him only as a friend, I can't. I lie when I say I don't care about him, when I say I'll stop thinking about him. And I try so, so hard to stop thinking of him. But I can't. He monopolizes my mind, to the point where I hate him but love him all at the same time. He is always present in my mind and my heart--you are pushed to the farthest regions of both.
And this necklace you gave me makes me feel guilty.
Guilty because I don't want it from you, I want it from him, even though I know there's no chance of that happening--ever. Guilty because by accepting such a lavish trinket, I feel that I have betrayed him, betrayed what I feel for him. The necklace, it is a double-edged sword. No matter what I choose, it pierces my heart and fills it with guilt.
The diamonds, those hurt the most.
They are precious stones, but their presence brings forth the most guilt. If I slip those gems around my neck, they will make me feel branded, like you have claimed me, like I belong to you. But I don't want to be yours, I want to be his. I don't want you.
I want him.
I feel that the diamonds represent us--you, me, and him. One small stone, it is you. One big stone, that is him. And the one stone, the one in the middle, is me. It is the scale of my heart. Me, being at the center of things. You on one side, he on another. You the small diamond, because my love for you is just that small. He the big diamond, because my love for him is so much greater. He is my precious jewel.
So that's why I have to tell you. I don't want your necklace. It causes me to feel guilty. If I accept it, I will be lying to myself, to my heart. But if I don't accept it, our friendship will be awkward. That necklace is a burden, a rift in my heart. I don't want it. It doesn't matter how many necklaces you give me. It won't matter. I love you.
But I'm in love with him.
Authoress's Notes: Yes, kinda weird. This is basically just a weird little one-shot thingy about how I feel. The thing is, one of my guy friends got me a necklace for my birthday even after I rejected him (but you probably gathered that from the story). And now it's just creating a bunch of turmoil in me because I like another guy. So I felt I had to express how I felt in my words. Because that makes it easier for me to kinda deal with what I'm feeling. So last night I wrote this and it didn't come out as bad as I thought it would.
Review if you want. I didn't really put this up here for people to comment on. I just wanted to get these feelings out of my head for a while.
And to my readers who are eagerly waiting for the next installment of WEiF, well, I have to say I'm sorry for taking so long. It's been kinda hectic this month with school, and homework, and boys (obviously), and a bunch of other family obligations. And I don't know how much time I'll get to write because we just started a new book in English and I have to make a reading log and it'll take me forever...so yeah...don't expect an update very soon.
I'm 16 now!!!!! My birthday was last Wednesday, and NOW I'M SIXTEEN!!!! SWEET SIXTEEN! I still can't believe it!