drowning

alice is crying, and her tears are threatening to wash the world away.

it used to be different, didn't it?

rain used to mean something different for us, something that made me happier than anything

i've ever known. rain meant seeing your face—your eyes that shimmered into focus as you slipped forward to meet me. i used to make jokes about your blue-gray eyes that were the exact color of the northern oceans—about drowning in them. that was rain, to me. beautiful. whether sprinkling, or drizzling, or flooding, it was always raining when we were together. and i—we—never used an umbrella. it was never half so much fun without soggily squelching inside, saturated with water and having the time of our lives.

until now, rain never meant drowning without your life preserver to keep me afloat.

it happened like a flash of lightning. one moment, we were together in the ocean, and then you left me there to blink back the sea from my eyelashes and sit chin-deep in puddles of misery. it was so fast that i still don't know how, or why, or the reasons that i wasn't good enough for you.

maybe you were tired of rain. she's certainly sunny enough. when she's around, your world is full of radiance, and color, and light. she gives you the fire that i had to absorb from you to keep myself warm. but i think there's more beauty in soaking yourself in a downpour than in basking in an indolent sunbeam. you, on the other hand...you made it all too clear that you were already gone. i couldn't have fought for you, even if you'd allowed me. why rain on your parade?

so as you watch me rain on everything, i can only hope my raindrops are splashing your toes and trickling down your fingertips into the sand—i don't want to be the only one dripping. if i'm not, maybe then i'll know if i ever meant anything to you. maybe then i'll realize that i can make it okay. and maybe someday soon, you won't see me cry.

until then, let it pour. you are there, i know, wishing to be with your golden princess, sneezing in the sleet. and i am simply waiting til the day when i am done with you, and i can watch you rain on everything.

-

5.13.06.

written partially in response to eric kim's song "i watch you rain" and loosely connected to my earlier poem april showers.