"My boobs are fake."
It was one of those events that you enjoyed, but would never, ever (as a guy) admit to for fear of losing the last ounce of dignity you had. A community show, but not just any show… a drag show.
Before I go on, I must inform you of the fact that I -Nathaniel Drake- am one hundred percent straight.
Yet, for some reason my usually short dirty blonde hair was covered with a dark lustrous mane of a wig. My biceps looked out of place in the red crop top, that was filled out by a stuffed wonder bra. My muscular legs -in all their manly glory- were on display, swathed in fishnets, and a black mini skirt, that stopped at mid thigh. (thank God) The icing on the drag-queen clothing cake, were the five inch heels that made me monstrously taller than I already was. I stared into the mirror, horror etched on my -whorishly clown-looking- made up face.
"Dude, it's scary. At the risk of sounding in to you, if we forget that we know you… you're kinda hot as a chick." One of my mates grinned, but ducked as a hairbrush went flying in his direction.
"Fuck off, you fag." I growled, trying to blow strands of my hair -that had gotten caught in my lip gloss- out of my face.
"Says the guy dressed in drag." I threw a lipstick next. "Alright! Alright, sorry. You're such a fucking drama queen." (badoom tsh) They looked about ready to piss their pants, explain why I was friends with these dickheads, please?
"Fuck you." I muttered,
"I can't thank you enough for doing this, though, Nate." Jeff spoke up with a grin, his brown eyes sparkling menacingly. He was my complete opposite, quiet, dark and Samoan. Where I was, loud, obnoxious and Caucasian. Somehow we were best mates and this -getup- was me, doing a favour for his family. Whom I pretty much lived with -because my parents were so wrapped up in themselves that they forgot they had a son- until I could afford to flat. Jeez, maybe I was a drama queen. A bitter drama queen.
Jeff's family ran an island club/bar (Siva Siva Club), and it's main attraction was the Wednesday night Fa'afafine (transgender males) Night Performance. Think, Pricilla Queen of the Desert… only island styles. It was a crack up, and something you sat back and laughed at… not become part of.
"I don't see why you couldn't do it." I grumbled, pulling up the fishnets uncomfortably. Fa'afafine Night was pretty popular, meaning a lot of families came along to enjoy the show.
I was regretting the decision to volunteer, more and more.
"Because, it wasn't Sina that rung in sick, it was Josheila the Palagi." At this point, I hated being Palagi, aka White. "You've learnt all the steps and shit right?" Jeff asked worriedly, I nodded numbly. How could I have not? His sister was like Hitler on steroids and crack. The woman drilled the moves into my brain until I went to sleep thinking about 'I will Survive', sung 'Teina Samoa moni' in my sleep, and woke up humming, 'Dancing Queen.' My voice was shit, so I was glad (for the audience's sake) that everything was mimed.
"I'm sorry if Ann um, hurt you during the practises… imagine being one of her kids." I laughed, a hard instructor Ann may be, but a bad mother she was not.
"I'm alright, the bruises will heal. But I don't think my rep will- I hope you know what I'm sacrificing here." Jeff laughed and slapped me on the back, "This is a one off man, never again." He ignored me, continuing to slap my back good-naturedly.
"Break a leg bro. Break a leg." I probably would, in these fucking heels, I didn't say anything. Just sucked it up, and took centre stage.
All in all, it was fun. No shit, the atmosphere was brimming with energy. I made one mistake, but saved myself through taking my heels off and improvising a dance. Once off stage I was met with a group of drags who 'air-kissed' my cheeks.
"Honey that was absolutely fabulous!" A large handed 'woman' (for a lot of them preferred to be referred to as a female) hugged me tightly, 'her' large chest was painful and 'she' smelled of sugar and spice, I squeezed out a
"Thanks." before 'she' released me. I'm pretty sure it was the same one who hit on me at Ann's wedding (to my date's chagrin) a few years back. I was only seventeen then and the thought of a 'she-male' asking me out freaked me out. It still did, but at least now I understood that they were still people, just… extravagant people.
"Darling! You saved the night, dakerie hun?" A 'blonde' offered a large drink, but it was intercepted by Jeff.
"Nate's gonna go get changed now!" Jeff shouted with a grin, I mouthed a 'Thank you' and trailed behind my island friend, joking about general 'guy' stuff. I think I let the jokes and shit get to my head. It's the only explanation for the stupidity of my next actions.
"Hey, Jeff, isn't that your ex?" I pointed at a laughing blonde girl, who's eyes glittered in the flashing lights of the club. Jeff sighed, his own opaque gaze lingering on her with a sort of dejected stance.
"Yeah that's Mina." I panned slightly to the left to find the dark haired girl beside her staring at me. I grinned at her and she smiled back. I recognised her from my Politics lecture, and was under the impression that she recognised me from there, too. I was wrong, but I didn't know it yet.
I began to walk forward, wanting to talk to her. She always had an opinion during class… and although students found it irritating, I found it entertaining. Especially when she would shoot down another's argument with a well formed one of her own. She'd made more enemies than friends in our class.
"Dude, what're you doing?" Jeff asked,
"I'm going to go talk to her." I said slowly, as if talking to a five year old. What else would I have been about to do? I didn't stop to think about the fact that I still looked like a girl. No, I didn't. I rubbed Jeff's shaved head 'for luck' and set off, missing his utterance of,
"You're still dressed in drag, you dick."
I waded through the crowd easily ( I didn't stop to think that it had anything to do with what I was wearing at the moment), sauntering up to her as though I was dressed in my normal clubbing attire of jeans and a nice shirt. Not the red top and mini skirt, that I was actually sporting.
"Hey." I greeted casually, standing beside her. She stared up at me, confused and yet… the small smile on her face indicated amusement.
"Hello." She said in reply, I didn't notice the looks I was getting. I was used to people looking at me, I'm not a conceited bastard… but chicks dig me. That didn't sound cocky at all.
"Wanna dance?" I asked, keeping my eyes glued to hers… guys who actually want the girl should make note of this. When talking to a person of the opposite sex, do not -and I repeat: do not- talk to her chest.
"Uh-" For the first time, the girl looked a little unsure.
"Oh go on, Leona!" Jeff's ex egged her on, I smiled at the pretty blonde- wondering why Jeff had stopped dating her. He never did specify why, and seeing the way he looked at her tonight, I had a feeling it wasn't a willing departure. Leona, that was a nice name. I liked it, I held out my hand and she took it, her hand was warm and soft… her dark hair swirled around her shoulders like a small cloud. I'd dated a few island girls before, not just Samoan either… and I wondered whether she was a half caste. Her lighter skin tone seemed to hint at a mixed heritage.
The upbeat music saw us dancing crazily, I grinned as she lost herself into the dance- I wasn't a shuffle man either… so I danced along with her, enjoying myself more and more.
"You're a pretty good dancer!" She yelled over the remix playing, the thing about this place… was the comfortable feeling it possessed.
"If you want, I can show you some more moves tomorrow night as well." I replied with a devious grin. She stopped dancing, I gave a her a curious look. Did I say something wrong?
"I- um…" She looked around almost embarrassedly, "I'm not gay." My frown deepened, it was then that it dawned on me -in all my idiotic glory. Smooth Drake, play it smooth. My hands inadvertently cupped my stuffed chest, "My boobs are fake, I swear." You fucking dumbass. The people around us were all having too much fun amongst themselves to add to my mortification. For this, I was immensely grateful.
Leona grinned, and before long she was laughing. I felt like a dick, what kind of stupid idiot forgets that he was dressed in drag, before asking a girl out? She probably thought I was this two-way swinger that liked a bit of both. I was anything but.
"I mean… I'm a guy-" I looked to the side to find Jeff and the guys in hysterics of their own, Jeff shrugged when he caught me glaring. After all, he did try to warn me.
"I couldn't tell by your voice at all." She squeezed out, she was about doubled over in hysterics. The black top she was wearing showed off just enough to have a guy's mind wondering, but concealed just enough to keep it in your head.
"I uh- I better go get changed." I muttered, turning stiffly around and walking off.
"Hey!" She yelled out, but I continued off the dance floor… I wasn't going to live this night down for sure.
"Tell me, did your fishnets turn her on?" I glared at Jeff's younger brother, he was going to be starting University this year, I tucked this away for future reference. We'll see who's fishnets turn who on, when he needs my help on campus.
"Shut up, just because you think my legs are sexy Tem." I turned to see Leona walking back to Mina. I pulled off the stupid wig, it was making my head sweaty. I ran a hand through my hair, now more exhausted than anything.
"Is that the chick you're always talk about, the one who made Simi cry?" Jeff asked, I chuckled… oh yeah. That was some funny shit too, Simi was a known player. He'd been juggling three girls at one point in time, one of them being Leona's sister, only Simi went and did the worst thing a player could do: fell in love with Leona's sister, but got one of the other girls' pregnant. He was in the midst of trying to break it off with the other two -whilst maintaining Leona's sister- when Leona (being the know-all, Mina's, best friend) found out, and made him pay. In tears. Hoy shit, I knew more about Leona, than I originally thought I did.
I wonder if she even knew I existed… I'd spoken to her once or twice, but it was always related to class. I always thought I'd run into her on campus, but it's a pretty big place. I wasn't surprised when I never did… who knew that I'd run into her -in my best mate's parent's club- dressed in drag?
I didn't, or I would never have agreed to doing this. I pulled out some stuffing from my bra, "Nate! Go get changed backstage, dick!" Jeff shouted, his white teeth matching the white of his eyes. I notice the craziest shit.
"Whatever." I muttered, I used the tissue to wipe my face as I walked. The gunk coming off easily, due to the sweat that had accumulated.
"Hey Fis." I muttered, walking past the huge bouncer that stopped people from going backstage.
"Good stuff Nathaniel brotha, Mr & Mrs Seulu must be real grateful their son's best mate's a palagi." Fisi replied, I nodded… kicking off the stupid high heels as soon as I reached the room. I made sure no one else was in there before I locked the door and pulled off the clothes. I hopped in the shower, wanting to rid myself of the night's activities and embarrassments. I'd been on a natural high, before I made a fool of myself.
I kept picturing Leona's unsure stare when I asked her to dance, why hadn't I clicked? Hopping out, I pulled on my boxers and jeans, but I couldn't be bothered to find my shirt amongst the drags messes.
You'd think they'd be a little less, messy. I shoved a whole bunch of stuff off the couch and flopped down on my back. The last thing I saw was Leona laughing, before I fell into a deep nap.
"I'm not gay."
At first I had my qualms about dancing with the queen. But then it got really fun, he/she was pretty funny and I found it even more funny that she/he sort of danced like a guy.
I didn't say this however, but complimented him- how did one address a trans? -instead. Then…
Then she-he asked me out (I'm pretty sure that's what was meant by 'showing me his dance moves tomorrow night') but… well… he was dressed in drag. What was I supposed to say?
Yeah, and afterwards… can we trade clothes? Not a weird suggestion at all. I felt bad for laughing though, I have a feeling he didn't find it too funny. Or was it a funny feeling about something else?
I watched the She-male walk off in confusion, did he-she um… it?… Really just hit on me? I asked myself again. I smoothed out the halter neck of my top, strange. I walked back to where Mina Andrews stood chatting with some guy. She seemed glad to be rid of him as she latched onto my arm, smiling apologetically at him, she steered me away.
"Leona! Where'd Nathaniel go?" I felt my face heat up at the mention of that name. Nathaniel Drake was in my Politics class, a good looking white guy who was always joking around in the back of the lecture theatre. I looked around, I hadn't known that he was here. Not that I would have- I don't know.
He wasn't the sort of guy my parents would have approved of anyway… they were awaiting a 'nice well-behaved Samoan' boy. As if such a thing existed. Well, except for Jeff Seulu, but he was pretty much in love with Mina, my best friend. Not that I thought of Jeff that way… ok I came (meaning I was dragged by Mina) here tonight to enjoy myself… so why was I worrying about boys, parents and expectations?
It was hard to escape.
"Nathaniel? Where?" I looked around again at Mina's question. The blonde beauty before me laughed,
"Um, you were dancing with him." I stared at her, before catching on to her joke. I gave a half-hearted laugh.
"I'm serious, you were dancing with Nathaniel Drake." This time I hit her, "Ow!"
"That's not funny, I was dancing with a queen. A dancing queen!" I snapped, pushing my annoying hair out of my face. She knew I kind of liked Nathaniel… he was funny and really, really good look-
"Lee, I know you haven't been drinking much… but did someone slip something into the one drink you had?" I glared at her, "Because anyone could tell that was Nathaniel… if the physique didn't give it away, than his voice surely- oh no. Is that why- Lee!" You have got to be kidding me, I about slapped myself over the head.
"But- he was dressed in drag!" I protested, and it's semi dark in here and I'm making excuses because I just screwed up a good chance.
"I can't believe that- what did you say?" I stifled a laugh, then I sobered up in realisation. I turned him down… I told him- I told him I wasn't gay, oh for god's sake.
"I need a drink." I muttered,
"Leona?" Mina yelled suspiciously, "He looked really into you. Then he was stalking off the dance floor, looking deflated."
"Well it's not my fault he was wearing more makeup than I am! Or that, he smelled more like my mum than… than my mum!" I was lying, I couldn't smell him… "I told him I wasn't gay."
"Lee, Lee, Lee." Mina giggled as she shook her head, I felt like slapping her. "He was performing for Jeff's parents because one of the regulars called in sick!" How did she know these things? Right, this was Mina! Mina knew everything about everyone.
"Oh god I feel like such an-"
"Ignorant, inconsiderate bitch?" Mina supplied, I slapped her arm.
"-idiot!" The word aimed more at her than myself, after her suggestion. "I honestly didn't know it was him though, why would he want to dance with me anyway?" I let my hands swallow my face,
"Because you look very aulelei!" She slapped my hip, I glared at her.
"Your Samoan is atrocious." Mina's face darkened, as her gaze settled on something behind me.
"Yeah well, it shouldn't stop me from having what I want." And with that she walked off. God that girl had more mood swings than a pregnant lady, I watched her manoeuvre her way through the crowd. I smirked as she headed towards Jeff, ah it made sense. She told me he'd broken it off with her due to familial pressure… I always thought the Seulu's were an open-minded bunch.
But after letting her cry it out one night, she told me of how his grandparents didn't approve. I watched with a smirk as my tiny friend beckoned the huge man away from a small group of intimidating island girls. I turned away to come face to face with a big-bosomed drag who smiled broadly. I sighed -with relief… right?- upon realising it wasn't Nathaniel.
"I saw you dancing with that delicious boy earlier on." I cocked my head to the side,
"Nothing, darling. I was just saying, it's no fair that all the good ones are straight." I groaned, "Something wrong si'aula?"
"I- leai." I mumbled, Fa'afanine's were renowned for their niceness. But I was not spilling my problems to a stranger however nice she- uh he- they, may be.
Five Minutes Later
"I sort of like him! But I've only ever spoken to him like once or twice before, ever, ever, ever- and then I finally talk to him outside of the lecture room, but I don't know it… and I tell him- I'm not gay!" I was happy, happy that I wasn't slurring completely.
"Honey, I shouldn't have let you have that last dacarie." I learned, that Laisah… liked to be referred to as 'she' or 'Darling' if not her name.
"Oh but it tastes so yum." I tried grabbing it back, but Laisah tipped her head back and downed my (fifth- now her sixth) dacarie like it was water. "Wow."
"Sweetie, if you want to see him… I can take you backstage. The dearie went back to get changed and never came back out." I nodded, but my mouth said,
"No! No, no, no that would be a bad, bad, bad idea. Bad-" I was still nodding. Alcohol was reducing my ability to match up my body movements with my words.
"Come on!" Laisah dragged me up from the table we'd occupied, her strength was surprising. I was being propelled in an unknown direction, I spied Mina slow dancing with Jeff who'd wrapped his arms around her protectively. In my drunken state I was insanely jealous, I'd never had someone hold me as if I was the most precious thing in the world.
"No fair, Laisah you're right, life's sno fair." I grumbled, but Laisah was a drag on a mission. She bulldozered me through the waves of people,
"I have to get through Fisi." She said sternly to the bodyguard, who's bulging arms were folded formidably.
"I don't wanna -hiccup- see…" I trailed off,
"Laisah, you know you're not allowed to take people-"
"You let me through, or I tell your wife you've been eating povi masima here even though you know your blood pressure can't take the fat!" Fisi seemed to flinch at the mention of his wife,
"This once Laisah, but jeez it was one time! I'm not going to die from eating one piece of salted beef."
"One? You ate the whole barrel, you're lucky Mr Seulu himself didn't tell your wife." Laisah said nonchalantly, dragging me through.
"Fank you!" I shouted back-
"Shhh!" Laisah scolded, her muscular arm propelling me along.
We finally reached a door. Yeah I know, how exciting. I tried to back away, but- you can dress her up and make her pretty… but Laisah would still be as strong as an ox.
"I'm going to knock and make him open the door- so that I can get his kisses vicariously through you." I made a face at her.
"He doesn't even know me- why would he want to kiss me?" I scratched my head, craning my neck up to look Laisah in the eye.
"Because, you- just shush that pretty little mouth of yours. Nathaniel! Open the door, I left my lucky bra in there!" Laisah banged on the door, "Nathaniel! Get your pretty tush over here and open the door!" Her false falsetto voice making me giggle.
"Laisah I'm sick of you making passes at me!" A masculine -groggy- voice snapped from beyond the door, my eyes widened. Why hadn't I noticed it when he was speaking to me earlier? I'm such a retard.
"Sweetie, open the damn door!" Laisah yelled once more, before she air-kissed me, "Now don't you stuff this up, you vale." She hissed in my ear before flouncing off, leaving me alone in the dark in front of a large door. The light from the other side barely slid through the slits. Nathaniel was still yelling, I registered that I was still standing in front of the door as he yelled. I shook my head and was about to turn around and leave-
"I swear, if you touch my ass-" when the door was thrown open, revealing a shirtless Nathaniel. His green eyes widened, "Leona."
Oh my god, I don't know why I'm here. I stared glassily at him, my eyes travelling down without my volition. He was wearing jeans, but his shirt was missing. "Do you need help looking for your shirt?" Someone asked, I felt the heat (whether from the alcohol or just because) rise up into my cheeks, as I realised the voice belonged to me.
I scratched the back of my neck as he regarded me, a smirk settling over his face. "Come to mock me?"
He asked, in my inebriated state… I was far more susceptible to idiocy.
"No! Laisah said she wants to receive kisses from you-" His face contorted in disgust, "-vicariously through me." Did I just- his expression turned from one of disgust to interest- yes I did. My usual self stood, confined within the inebriated me, crying at my stupidity.
"Really? What happened to not being gay?" He asked, folding his arms in front of him, not unlike the way Fisi the bouncer had. His broad arms bulged and my eyes stared at his well-defined chest.
"It was drained away with the fourth dacarie." I mumbled,
"You know the first rule of talking to a girl, is not to talk to her chest. As a keen feminist I believe that girls should give guys the same courtesy." He drawled, I looked up… his lips were redder than a usual person's.
"Are you still wearing lipstick?" I asked, he opened his mouth to reply he was interrupted by-
"Natanielu (Samoan translation of Nathaniel of course) Drake! You messed up the routine!" A stern voice snapped form behind me, I whirled around coming face to face with Ann, Jeff's older sister. "Leona! What are you doing here? How are your parents?" She asked, I smiled and nodded… knowing if I opened my mouth I'd let something utterly stupid out. "I didn't know you knew Nathaniel." I nodded again, I was looking more and more like a knob.
"Yeah, we take politics together. She came in here looking for Laisah, guess their good mates." He looked from me to Ann, I smiled and (surprise, surprise) nodded.
"Hmph, you're lucky she's here… or I would have fasi'd the crap out of you." She chose to hug him instead, "You did well, mum and dad are grateful." She murmured, before waddling off, probably to find her husband.
I smiled at the sight of her back, "You did well." I murmured, I turned back and yelped as Nathaniel stood directly behind me.
"I was hurt when you laughed at me before." He said with a grin, I gulped.
"I didn't, mean to- but you were cupping boobs that were there and calling them fake." My voice sounded higher than usual,
"Like how?" He asked almost sternly, and I imitated his earlier gesture. I squeaked and dropped my hands to my side when he let out a bark of laughter. "How's it feel to be the one laughed at?" He murmured, leaning forward. How did I end up inside the dressing room? I inclined my head to the side,
"Sad." I answered simply,
"Yeah, sad." He echoed, I looked down to see that I was trapped within his arms as he leaned against the wall.
"I'm sorry I called you a dancing queen." I almost whispered, but the sentence was lost as his lips met mine. It wasn't lipstick he'd been wearing, it was cherry flavoured lip-gloss. My bad.
A/N: Shoot me. No, I'll shoot myself. I can't believe I did it again. Study time today: 0 hours. Random writing time: 5 and a half. Bad Bad… bad bad!
jennyybabyyy x33: If you read this.. know that I tried (to study) I really did!
I know! I know, I have three other stories (and two pending ones) in full swing. But this idea... just hit me in the face. So I... hit (the keyboard) back.
So review vous plait? Or fa'amolemole?