Once upon a meal-time dreary, while I pondered weak and weary,
Whether or not I should dare to open the great pantry door
Whilst I sat working quotients, suddenly there came a notion
As if someone clearly motioned, motioned at my cupboard door
A trick of the light, I muttered, trick of the light at my cupboard door
Only this and nothing more.

Now, this I can hardly remember, my mind being so starved with hunger
And each algebraic number staring into my every pore
Eagerly I wished for bacon, yet there was none for the makin'
Instead I grabbed my algebra book and threw it down upon the floor
No food there among the floor.
Stomach rumbling evermore.

And this pathetic new position left me feeling opposition
To the five-second rule that was tested oh so many years before
And so now to still the beating of my heart I stood repeating
"If I find something worth eating lying on my kitchen floor,
If I find some sweet morsel here upon my kitchen floor,
I will eat it evermore!"

Eventually my might grew stronger, and hesitating then no longer
I crawled and crept my way over to the inviting pantry door
Now at this spot I did lunge forward, hoping for some food-reward
Finally came open the door
Boxes falling from inside the door
Alas, empty boxes, nothing more.

Sitting in a sea of boxes, longing, dreaming, of roast foxes
Doubting whether I would ever see another day or more;
Here the silence was only broken by the rustling of those empty tokens
And the only words here spoke were "Should I try the cupboard door?"
Answered back was the murmur, "Yes do try the cupboard door
For here lies empties, nothing more."

Now here, back to the kitchen turning, all my limbs so weak were burning
I swear I saw another motion, clearer than the one before
"Surely... Surely this is just delusion what I do see at my cupboard door."
Here I heard a murmur issued from the cupboard door
"Don't call me Shirley." and nothing more.

Open here I flung the cupboard when with much a great shudder
20 or so packets of Top Ramen spilled out to the floor
"A turn of luck!" I had thought, but something made me turn and stop
To look at all the packages lying there all on the floor
I picked one up off of the kitchen floor.
Teriyaki flavor. Nothing more.

Now, teriyaki -being the worst flavor- was not something I did savor
So I flung the package down hard upon the kitchen floor
"Has this madness gone from bad to raving? What a sad thing to be craving!"
I did shout down at the pile on the floor
I shouted as I stomped down on the ramen on the floor.
Only crumbled; said nothing. Silent ever more.

Angrily now I did stare at the crunched ramen lying there
Crumbled with no answer to give me scattered on the kitchen floor
I think it is quite safe to say, no other human being that day
Felt so discouraged whilst looking at the ramen on the floor
Slowly I did make my way across the kitchen floor
Try the refrigerator, or I'd be no more.

At this spot I did hesitate, but seeing as it was getting late,
I figured I should just open that darn 'frigerator door.
And at this point I must relate, almost every single item's pull date
Had once been passed years before
Who knows what I'd find in the 'frigerator door?
Dates from 1994? Surely those should be no more.

Checking pull dates left and right I saw some ketchup and with a fright
Realized it was most likely not moldy when bought at the store.
The thing was putrid and smelled quite thickly, so I picked it up quite quickly
And threw it through the pantry door
What else would I find in the fridge door?
Nothing good, that's for sure.

I found some beef that was recalled, further into the fridge I crawled
Trying to find something to eat behind that great big door.
Things were getting old and older, also getting mold and mold-er
But I was growing bold and bolder
As the hunger made me sore
Fearing stomach pains forever more.

Searching now ever faster, found a chicken-y disaster
Hiding all the way in the back of the fridge door
Deciding, "Hey, what the heck? It's the best thing I've found yet"
I grabbed it and quickly shut the door
I sat down near the pantry door
"If I eat this and am no more, tell him I loved him more."