Author's Introduction: Hello reader. What you're about to read is the result of a school assignment that forced me to conform to the topic of Christmas. It has been inspired from The Nightmare Before Christmas and the A Series of Unfortunate Events books. Please be mindful that this contains some crude humor and doesn't exactly house a compelling plot. It's humor so please read it as such.

This story was written in 2005 and is a part of my Grimen Chronicles series. It is the only story in the series to be finished. Re-edited on June 26th 2007 for alterations to dialogue.

This is the uncensored version.

Santa's Secret By: Rayshawn Fox

Suzie Mistletoe was a small blonde pale skin eight year old girl who lived in the unfortunate city of Grimen. A depressing place, covered in black shadow. The only thing that kept the city from being completely shrouded in darkness was the fresh snow fall that fell the night before, giving it a somewhat strange beauty. Black brick buildings of all sizes kissed the smog smitten sky; buildings that were poorly made, appearing as an accumulation of books piled upon each other; created a somewhat accidental skyline.

Suzie walked down Main Street, excitement building up in the small girl as she got closer and closer to the city's toy store. Her small feet struggled against the snow in her shiny black galoshes as she made her way down the busy walkway. Strangers more or less walked right over the young girl, instantly a victim of their obdurate ways. Although she struggled through the snow and the unfeeling people around her, Suzie insisted on being persistent.

Finally arriving, she immediately entered, nonchalantly glancing at the toy reindeer in the display window. Upon entering, the eight year old was bombarded with pleasures only a toy store could provide for a person her age. The store sure enough was in the Christmas spirit, with the halls decked with holly and a colossal green pine tree in the middle of the store. The tree was a conglomeration of decorations, ranging from pots and pans and gum sticks to the traditional Christmas ornaments.

"How may I assist you my dear?" asked the store clerk Mr. Fisken. Mr. Fisken was a tall and lean old man with glossy black eyes who wore a black worn and torn up suit. He stood behind the counter which curiously gave him the look of some type cynical absolutist ruler. But, contrary to his exterior, he was actually a nice man; all the child liked him and he enjoyed them as well.

"Oh, hello Mr. Fisken, I'm just here to find a last minute gift for my mom and dad," Suzie said, giving him a toothy smile.

"A last minute gift for your parents eh?" Mr. Fisken then walked from behind the counter, revealing a lustrous black glass Santa Claus statuette. "Perhaps this will do?" Suzie let out a small squeal and held out her hands.

"Mr. Fisken sir, may I hold it?" Suzie asked, her eyes sparkling with wonder. He gave her a sly smile and handed it to her.

"It's of charge."

"Really?!" The young girl squealed. Mr. Fisken nodded. The small girl then sat the statuette down on a nearby table top that held a pile of charcoal colored teddy bears and reached up to give the older man a hug. He gladly accepted it. "Thank you so much!"

"Oh ho, you're quite welcome," Suzie gave him another squeeze, grasped the statuette and ran for the door; she just could not wait to get home to wrap the gift and put it under her family's tree, which was now quite empty, but Suzie knew it would soon be filled with presents from the big man wearing red, known as Santa Claus.

Santa dwelled in a home that looked like a ordinary brick house in the middle of a frozen, lifeless and lonely clearing, however, Santa's home was much more complicated that what the eye first sees.

"I need those teddy bears now!" bellowed the Head Elf Ashir. The "elves" were working frantically in the factory in the basement of Santa Claus' home. The clock was ticking and nightfall would soon fall over the city of Grimen, so the little ones had to promptly prepare Santa's sleigh and reindeer.

Santa walked from the kitchen where Mrs. Claus was baking her famous meat pies with her own secret recipe.

"Well, it's almost that time again my dear," Mrs. Claus said to her husband as he left the kitchen to use the elevator to go down into the basement.

"I know, I'm fetching my bag and getting ready to set out for Grimen," He replied, stepping into the elevator that would take him to the workshop.

Nightfall began covering the city as Suzie hurried to wrap her parents' gift. Once she was finished, she decided to sit and watch the amazing black and white lights that blinked on and off on her very small decorated pine tree; a pine tree that was spray painted black of course. She had begged and begged her parents to buy the tree for her; they weren't exactly the Christmas type of people. Suddenly, Suzie heard a warm harmony outside her front door. The little blonde girl ran to the door to open it. Standing at the door was the Caroler family from next door who immediately began to sing:

We wish you a merry Christmas

We wish you a merry Christmas

We wish you a merry Christmas

And a Happy New Year!

While they sang, Suzie ran from the door to the steps that lead upstairs yelling, "Mom, Dad...carolers, we should give them some money!" With a violent thump and an angry yell, her parents came down the stairwell with displeased looks on their faces. Mr. Mistletoe was a tall, half bald, thin man with hollow cheeks, black beady eyes and flimsy lips that looked as if someone had stretched them from one side of his face to the other. Mrs. Mistletoe was an even more loathsome person; almost as tall as her husband, with large dark brown eyes, small pursed lips, short curly black hair and eyebrows arched so high that they threatened to touch the ceiling. Mr. Mistletoe always wore the same old worn tux and Mrs. Mistletoe always wore the same old black dress with small black rose print on it. Of course no one ever noticed the roses, which she adored because she hated every living thing that couldn't think.

"What is the meaning of this!" Mrs. Mistletoe yelled at Suzie. The small blonde girl shrunk even smaller as her parents towered over her, casting a sinister shadow. Mr. And Mrs. Mistletoe didn't wait for Suzie to answer, instead they walked over to the still singing Caroler family.

"Put a sock in it!" Mr. Mistletoe screamed, pulling out a small can of pepper spray. The Caroler's paid no mind to him and kept singing. He just couldn't take it any longer as his patience was as thin as his himself; he picked up the smallest of the five member family and sprayed the painful liquid into the small boy's eyes.

"I'm blind, I'm blind!" The small boy screamed, not being able to see.

"You've blinded my son! How could you do such a thing?" Mr. Caroler said, picking up his son.

"Easy," Mrs. Mistletoe said, stepping out of the house and spraying pepper spray into all the members of the Caroler family. They then ran away, screaming, slipping and falling their way into the street. Suzie softly walked over to the sofa next to her small Christmas tree and waited for the inevitable scolding she was bound to receive.

"Stupid girl! How could you be so dense as to call us down to listen to the Caroler family? The one thing your mother hates!" Mr. Mistletoe yelled, growling a bit.

"I thought Mother hated every living thing that couldn't think?"

"Exactly! Which is why I hate the Carolers because caroling doesn't require one to think!" Mrs. Mistletoe retorted.

"But. You have to use your brain to remember the words."

"Stupid girl! No you don't!" Mr. Mistletoe said.

"No wonder I hate you. You're living AND you cannot think. What a waste of time and energy birthing you!"

With that, the two just walked past Suzie and sprayed a little bit of pepper spray at her. Laughing, they walked up the stairs telling each other how much they hate Christmas, their daughter and carolers and how much they love pepper spray. Suzie sat on the sofa with watery eyes, not from crying, but from the pepper spray that stung her eyes painfully. She gave one last look outside the frosted window, seeing the Caroler family slipping and sliding under the street light, holding their eyes; and then she slipped off into a sound slumber.

"Hmm, this is the last house left," Santa Claus said as his reindeer landed on the black rooftop of the home. Stepping out of the sleigh with his great large red bag, he started for the chimney.

There was a sudden thump followed by a crash that woke little Suzie. 'What was that?' She thought to herself. The sudden fall of ashes from the fireplace answered her question. Startled, Suzie jolted off the couch and ran toward the stairs. She looked at the steps, following them with her eyes into the pitch black. She knew if she yelled for her parents they would scream and yell and quite possibly spray more pepper spray in her eyes. 'Maybe he's a nice guy,' she thought to herself. Suddenly a loud crash made Suzie jump–jump so high that her galoshes, which she wore all the time, almost fell off.

Out of the ash ridden fireplace emerged the man known as Santa Claus. Suzie couldn't help to let out a small scream. Santa reacted to it and gave her a big wide smile. Unfortunately, Santa wasn't too good on his dental health, so his teeth were of a deep dark yellow and a few of them were clearly rotten out.

"Hey there pretty girl," Santa said, walking closer to her. With each step he took, another step Suzie took backward. "Awww, what's the matter?" His voice sounded slimy and slithery and it made the little girl's skin scrawl. 'Why am I feeling this way? I thought Santa was a nice old man who gave you gifts,' she thought to herself, Santa continuing to advance onto her. The wide red coat wearing man gave a nasty chuckle and reached into his pocket to fetch a scroll of parchment. He unraveled it and gave it a look over.

"Um...are you Santa?" Suzie asked, still stepping backward even though Santa Claus wasn't advancing on her any longer. He adverted his attention from the parchment, looking down on her and gave a slimy laugh. He opened his arms, turned around and yanked on his beard.

"You'd think that my appearance should be enough dummy. You're a bit slow aren't ya?" He said, looking back at the list. Suzie swallowed hard and looked at the front door, suddenly wanting to get away as far as she could from this man.

"Ah, little Suzie, that's you right, dummy?" Santa said, looking her in her blue lagoon eyes.

"Yes," she whispered. He gave another nasty laugh, rolling the parchment up and putting it in it's former resting spot.

"Heh, heh, heh! Wow. Your parents much really hate you, because anyone in their right mind would hate anything living that couldn't think. Like plants for example. Anyway. I sure hope you like making toys," He said as he walked back to the fireplace. Suddenly confused, Suzie began to walk toward him a bit.

"Um, Santa...why do you hope I like making toys?" she asked him with a shaky voice.

"Because that's what the rest of your life is going to be: making toys," he replied as he pulled out a colossal red cloth bag that seemed to have several things moving in it. "Well, that's until you're a teenager and you're baked into a pie by Mrs. Claus. That woman can make the best meat pies around." Suzie's eyes widened at the last statement.

"Baked into a pie?!" she screamed. Santa nodded.

"Yep. Baked into a delicious, delectable, ambrosial, scrumptious, savory, flavorsome dish," He singsonged, smiling widely, showing off his hideous yellow teeth. He advanced closer and reached out to her with slippery, slimy looking hands, or rather black gloved claws, but abruptly he was interrupted by something that rolled out of the fireplace. Suzie watched wide eyed as a small boy covered in ash ran for the front door.

"Run!" she yelled as Santa began to chase the boy. The small sandy haired boy was way too slow for the sinister monster that was Santa Claus. He grabbed the meager boy by the neck.

"Didn't I tell you not to run away...didn't I tell you what would happen if you ran?" he hissed at the child. Before Suzie knew it, the boy was dead, laying limp on the floor, leaving her to face Santa Claus once again. The fat man looked over to her with that same sickening smile "Don't worry about him...he's quite fine."

Shaking her head, Suzie said, "No. Looks quite dead to me."

Santa chuckled for a moment and then swiftly walked toward the blonde girl. Without giving it a second thought Suzie began to scream for her parents and made her way up the stairs. For a couple seconds she thought she might get away, but even in the darkness of the stairs, Santa had found a grip on her ankle and began to pull.

"Mom, Dad, help me!" She screamed as she was beginning to lose her grip at the stair. Her fingernails scraped and left marks as she held on for dear life. When the girl lost grip of the stair, she'd grab on to the next, still screaming, still pleading. Young Suzie was pulled so far down that she was now back in the living room. Santa picked her up by her ankle and held her upside down as if she was some dead rabbit that he had just killed.

"Pesky little critter," he said as he opened his red cloth bag. Suzie looked down into it to find a far away looking grass field with what looked to be children sitting. He quickly stuffed her into the bag. It seemed to her as if she was falling forever, but well aware that the ground was coming to her, or rather her to it. The closer she go to the ground, the better she could see what was actually in this strange place. There were about fifty or so children sitting down, weeping as they watched her land.

"He's got another one, oh when will it end?" yelled one of the children. She landed surprisingly soft on the bright green field. Once landed, she looked around her to find all the children looking back at her.

" I?" she asked, honestly hoping someone could answer her question. A teenage girl walked over to her. She seemed to have taken up the role of the leader.

"You're in Santa's toy bag," the girl said evenly. The teenage girl was tall, with long brunette locks that fell slightly over her face and hazel eyes that completed her light brown skin. Suzie looked up to the clear blue sky, finding only a couple of clouds. It seemed like it was a peaceful place, minus the crying inhabitants.

" seems so quiet," Suzie said as she continued to look around. The teenager nodded and padded the blond girl on the shoulder.

"There's always a calm before the storm...I just hope you guys are ready for it," She said sadly, looking around at the helpless children. "And the thing I don't get is that he came for me and I'm seventeen, saying something about some pies...I couldn't hear what he was saying because my mom was mixing her margarita in the blender and screaming because she actually got to see Santa Claus...she's dead now."

"Hey, didja know because your older than us you're going to get baked into a meat pie as soon as we get to the North Pole?" said a small blonde haired boy. Before the seventeen older could even let the information sink in, the sky suddenly opened, revealing a dangerously large Santa face.

"Just want to see how my little workers are doing...ohh and how is my future meat pie doing?" Santa said as slimy as ever. "Well, we're off, can't wait to work those tiny fingers to the bone." And with one last disgusting laugh, he closed up the bag, closing up the opening to bring the sky back to it's original blue.

Mr. and Mrs. Mistletoe woke up Christmas morning in their usual bad moods, yelling at each other and babbling on about how loathsome Christmas and their daughter was. Mr. Mistletoe decided to get the fireplace up and running when he saw a note attached to it. The note said:

Dear Mr and Mrs. Mistletoe

I took your daughter so that I can enslave her to make toys for all the little boys and girls around the world. She'll be just fine under my wing...well, until I decide she'd make a good meat pie, which may be soon because she's as dumb as deer doo-doo. I'll send you a slice of it if you'd like.

Yours Truly,


P.S. Suzie gave you some black glass figure of myself, it's under the Christmas tree. If I were you I'd go outside, cover it with snow and throw it at some very old person. Preferably a woman...who likes cats. That'll surely stir things up and give you some shallow humor.

Mr. and Mrs. Mistletoe jumped up and down in celebration of having their daughter being gone.

"Finally that loathsome brat is gone! Now I can kidnap some kids and put them in cages for amusement...her room would make the most perfect dungeon ever!" Mrs. Mistletoe said loudly, entwining her fingers together in thought. Mr. Mistletoe suddenly thought about the gift Suzie left them. He quickly grabbed the statuette from under the tree, ripping off all the paper and lifted it up to Mrs. Mistletoe.

"I suggest we disguise this statuette as a snowball and throw it at some even more loathsome person." he inquired happily.

"Or better yet, an elderly person," Mrs. Mistletoe said, looking over to the note left by Santa.

"Even better! What could be more loathsome than an elderly person?" Mr. Mistletoe said.

"Nothing much is more loathsome than an elderly person. I mean, it's like COME ON! DIE ALREADY! But perhaps an elderly woman who has a liking for felines could be even more loathsome."

The two of them walked outside laughing about how loathsome they found elderly people and children to be and covered the statuette with snow. They waited outside for an elderly person that looked particularly loathsome and who was a woman who had a liking for felines.

"Hello there," said an extremely old lady, known as "The Cat Lady" around town. Her voice was so weak and she looked as if the wind blew too hard she'd fall apart.

"She is most loathsome," said Mr. Mistletoe.

"Yes, I quite agree. Her cats are quite loathsome as well, which would make her doubly loathsome which means she has reached the highest point of loathsomeability."

"Loathsomeability? I don't think that is even a word, but I can certainly say it works!"

So, without further wait, Mr. Mistletoe threw the Santa Claus statuette disguised as a snowball at the elderly woman who had a liking for felines. Of course this glass-like statuette of Santa Claus, which was disguised as a snowball, shattered against the poor old woman's head, knocking her out cold. Mr. and Mrs. Mistletoe squealed with laughter, watching as her cats ran over to her. They gave one last burst of laughter and went back inside.

The Caroler family noticed the old woman laying in the snow, so they called 911. Unfortunately, once the paramedics got there, nothing was left of the old woman, but her clothes and her skeleton...and her four cats who had some very full bellies.


Yeah. Fin.