he deserves
so much more
than a girl who
carves words
into her skin.

he deserves
someone who's
beauty isn't
choking on acid
with a finger sliding
down her throat.

he deserves
someone who
doesn't spend
night after night
crying herself to
sleep because
this girl wants
to bleed.

(i'm afraid that with one touch of cold blade against
skin i can mess up everything God longs to give me.)

he deserves
someone who
doesn't struggle
with not feeling
good enough.

(i'm afraid that i could burn away his perfection
with my s(k)in, full of bleeding, healed scars,
and b r o k e n memories.)

.
.
.

i want so much to be ready to have someone
who shines His light with everything he has.
and his passion shines brighter each time
i see him take up his guitar and play. and
i want so much for our eyes to meet and
for neither of us to be too afraid to look away.

he is as timid and reserved as i am but
he is everything i want but i am afraid
that i could be everything he doesn't want.
he's everything i choose to run from because
i don't deserve (t)his beauty.

but he makes me smile more than anyone
when he walks into a room. and he helps me
realize that there are men who want to take
the burdens of a b r o k e n girl and help her
(and possibly love her).

they don't realize that my mind can't fathom
anyone who would possibly want to help me
and fix me and love me for all the scars, tears,
and bleeding memories. but they realize that
i deserve someone such as him.

please,
i'm dying inside and i can't help myself.
i'm screaming but i can't tell anyone.

.
.
.

a/n:
my god, this hurts so much. i don't deserve him ... but everyone tells me otherwise. i'm afraid to get to know him. i don't want to lay my burdens on him ... but everything about him tells me that everything i have been through in the past two plus years is because it led me to him. ohmygod.