After a few hours of drifting in and out of sleep and a couple more trips to the toilet, a thought suddenly struck me. I was almost a week late for my period. Was I... pregnant?
"Oh my God," I whispered to myself and started shaking involuntarily.
I had to know, immediately! Roberto wasn't going to be home from work for at least another 5 hours, though, so I decided I would walk a little less than a mile to a store I knew had pregnancy tests.
I got dressed, fumbling with my clothes and dropping my shoe a couple times before I finally got it on. I told myself to calm down, that I was probably overreacting. I always start to freak out about it when I'm late for my period.
But this time was different. I was sick to my stomach. My throat choked up with panic and glee and a lot of other things. I hurried out of the house and to the store, throwing up at the side of the road once on the way. When I got there I was so eager to buy the test and get home that I think I scared the person at the cash register. I didn't really care, though.
When I got home I collapsed on my bed, even though I'm used to getting that amount of exercise. When I thought of that, it made me even more convinced that I was pregnant so I jumped up and went to use the test. I've used them before, so I knew how.
When I saw that the results were positive, I fainted. And I mean I actually lost consciousness and fell on the floor. I've never done that before. I went and collapsed on my bed again, crying and laughing at the same time. I think I was on the verge of insanity. Then I grabbed the phone. I had to call Roberto and tell him!
I had dialed half of his cell phone number when I shook my head and hung it up. I had to tell him in person, I decided.
I laid in bed until he got home, unable to calm down enough to fall asleep for a long time. Finally I dozed off until the opening and shutting of the door woke me. I smiled sleepily, instantly remembering the news I would be telling my husband in a few minutes. I dragged myself out of bed and went to greet him. I was about to hug him, like usual, but he looked weird. My face screwed up with worry immediately.
"What's wrong, Robbie?" I asked.
"Nothing," he said, not making eye contact with me.
I burst into tears. I guess being pregnant makes you pretty emotional.
"I can read you like a book, Roberto! Something is wrong. Now tell me what it is."
I knew I was having an outburst for almost no reason, so after a minute I said, "Sorry, I'm upset about something else. I didn't mean to take it out on you. But please, tell me if something's wrong."
Roberto just said in annoyed tone, "Wait until I change my clothes and eat. Geez!"
I stopped crying instantly because his attitude shocked me. Usually when he got home he grabbed me in a tight hug and told me he'd missed me like crazy. Well, work had been making him more tired lately, but he still always gave me a short hug at the very least.
I stood there, bewildered, until he came out of the bedroom and went to the kitchen. Then I followed him and stood across the room, waiting for him to break the silence. He didn't really pay any attention to me. He sat down at the table and started eating a sandwich he'd just made. I sat in the chair next to him.
Finally, he spoke. "We need to talk."
"About...?" I asked when he didn't continue.
"I'm going to have to break up with you, at least temporarily," he said simply, staring at his sandwich.
I don't know what I did then. I think I just gaped at him. I didn't understand. I didn't believe him. How could we break up? We lived together. Who would move out? We had married each other just last year. We were so in love. At least I thought we were... If not, he was a very good actor. And now... Now I'm pregnant, too! We just couldn't break up now! It wasn't possible. The world would crash down around me.
Roberto interrupted the sobbing noises I hadn't even realized I was making.
"Oh please, don't do that. You are the one who wouldn't commit to me."
"What?" I whispered incredulously. "When have I ever given the impression I'm not completely committed to you? I love you, Robbie. You are my life. I married you. You are the only guy I've ever loved. I want to spend the rest of my life with you!"
My voice rose to edge of hysteria before I just couldn't talk anymore through my choking tears. He hugged me then. I clasped him to me desperately, expecting him tell me he had been kidding the whole time or something, but he pulled away after only a second.
"I'm sorry. Don't get like this. I don't want to hurt you. I've just been thinking and I don't think we should be married when you can't open up to me and trust me. You are always so distant with me."
My mouth opened and closed silently before I managed to yell, "I'm shy, Robbie! You know that! I've opened up to you more than I ever have with anyone else. If you just give me time, I can open up more... God, please! Why are you doing this to me! I'll do anything you want. I'll tell you anything you want to know. I'll do... anything!"
Again, I dissolved into hysteric tears. He just looked at me sadly then.
"I love you. I do. But something tells me this won't work out. I think we should separate and date other people for a while. Maybe you'll get over your antisocial issue or whatever it is. I think it will be good for you."
Every word that came out of his mouth felt like a kick in the stomach. I curled into a ball on my chair, crying so hard wasn't making noise anymore. I could barely breathe. When I could catch my breath a little, I started shouting at him.
"Will we get back together? Will we? Should I wait? What should I do. What should I do!"
He just shook his head and said, "I don't know," so I continued my ranting.
"Why why why why why. Why now. I'm going to have a baby now."
And then I passed out for the second time today. When I came to, which I assume wasn't more than a few seconds afterwards, Robbie was saying, "Getting dramatic won't make me pity you. There's no use acting like this."
He stared at me sadly, tears in his eyes but not running down his face. Then he left the room, leaving me in an awkward position on the floor. Did he honestly think I was faking the fainting? Did he not hear me say I was pregnant? I guess so. I couldn't accept that he'd actually be that heartless. I yelled after him, "I gave you everything, Roberto! My heart, my life, my body! What am I supposed to do now by myself? I have nothing!"
"You can have this place and I'll move out," he called back casually.
How could he be calm at a time like this?
"I do not want material things!" I screamed so loud my throat felt like it was bleeding. "I don't care about anything but you! I don't want anything but YOU!"
He didn't answer. Eventually I managed to get up off the floor and go to bed. I fell asleep crying.
Later, when I woke up, I didn't believe my own memory at first. How could something so awful actually happen? Nothing in my life seemed as terrible as this. I thought, no matter what happened, there'd always be Roberto and his love.
After a while I made myself stop crying and got out of bed to see where Robbie was. He was sleeping on the couch. Who would of thought we could come to this. And so unexpectedly, too.
I kissed his sleeping lips softly and went back to bed. I felt the life draining away from my body. I wanted to die. Life meant nothing without Roberto. But I knew I had to live for my baby. Our baby. At least I could keep part of him for always...
I mulled things over in my mind for hours, trying to figure out what I would do now. I wanted desperately to try and convince him to stay with me. I wanted to beg and plead and threaten and anything else I could do to fight his decision. But once Roberto made up his mind, there was nothing anyone could do to change it. And I didn't want to be with someone if they didn't want to be with me anyway.
I knew telling him about the baby would be unfair and he might stay with me just to be decent or something. I should run away, far away. Just disappear from his life, never to bother him again.
I sat next to Robbie for a long time, just looking at him and remembering times we had together. Remembering all the many reasons I was in love with him. Thinking about his words, his lips, his promises.
I regretfully stood up. I felt vaguely thankful that I had finally stopped throwing up and crying. But mostly I felt dead inside. I went and packed as quietly as I could. I wanted to leave before I lost my nerve. Before I walked out the door, I wrote Robbie a note. It said, "Please don't worry about me. I will be fine. I'm sorry I threw a tantrum. I wish you luck in life and love. I don't regret anything that happened between us and I will always remember you with love. Goodbye, Roberto. Love, Michi."
After I wrote it, I wanted to scream and scream and scream. Instead, I just walked out of the house as quietly as possible. And I didn't look back.