RAINDROPS ON HOME
I drove home today with raindrops decorating my window panes. My car closed four sides of me, glass surrounded my front, sides, and back. It allowed me a glimpse ahead, behind, and to another pathway.
I had never been tempted to turn in either direction. My road was ahead, laid out before me, the road construction perfected every bump and hook.
I drove home and it poured. The raindrops slid down at every angle. Tiny little angels in each drop as they hit my windows and slid their hellos to the paneling at the bottom. Raindrops are like snowflakes. None are the same, but I've always thought they were hellos. Hellos sent from above.
I really hope it was a hello for me because storms can emit the strongest emotion. The dark, dreary days make me yearn for a lover's touch, encased underneath our silken bedsheets. In a car, I needed to reflect it was your way, a pat on the shoulder announcing your presence.
A father all-knowing and all-loving. Well, I really need your love right now. Thank you for the raindrops. They mingled graciously with my own teardrops that pitter-pattered down my cheeks.
It was dumb really.
He'd been a brief thought as I threw my bags into the trunk. I wondered, the briefest of brief moments, what if he called? What would he say? What would I say? Then I pushed it aside, started my car, and pulled onto my interstate entrance. I sat back, coffee in the cupholder, the blues station blaring sans-static. Before I knew it, the drops splattered inside and out. Splayed across my cheeks and a broken sink from my eyelids.
It'd been two months. I'd known it would hurt later, but at the time I'd merely felt relief. Relief and air to fill my lungs. The later had come to the present and it hurt. It hurt damn hard.
The first thunder cracked a half hour after the road signs disappeared in my rearview mirror. When the gravel had crackled and spat underneath my tires, the lightning flashed and spewed.
I think it was then that I saw your face. A reflection in my mirror, from the corner of my eye and there you were.
A briefest of brief second thoughts and it had conjured your face in 3D perfection flesh and blood. I swore, from the first delusion, that I could've turned round and touched you. I could've entwined our hands. I could've stopped the car and felt your arms a last time. A contented heartbeat.
The second millisecond pressed fast forward and you were gone. The rain continued, my drive home continued, but you were there in the back. My mind remembered. My eyes had seen you and the emotional wave splashed down, drenching me in suffocation.
The pain was blinding and it choked me. Enough for me to pull the car to the side where my trembling hands still rattled against my steering wheel. I tucked them underneath my legs and sat on them.
I couldn't feel them. I couldn't feel my hands.
I looked up and there you were, right beside me. You must've figured the backseat was too far, too much backseat.
My heart constricted and you looked damn good.
I had loved you. Once upon a time, I had loved you and I could've loved you for years on end.
You stopped that. You stopped my heart and somedays I wondered…if I could love, so refreshing, so like that again? If I could look at another and know that feeling when you look at their eyes, at their smile, at the way their wrinkles crinkle, and you only see years. That feeling when you cease seeing the here and now and you only see the rocking chairs, the grandchildren's laughter, and the Valentine cards.
Call me sappy, cheesy, a romantic but that's what I'd felt when I had looked at you.
I hope to god that he'd sent the tears for me. The raindrops slid down, slowly, some splattered maliciously.
I shook my head clear, refused a glance your way, and I pulled back onto the road. The teardrops reigned free. God sent them for me. It was his way of saying hello and that someday another you would be in my life. Someday I'd look up, hear your voice, and the steadiness would take root in the gut.
That's what you'd done. Butterflies fluttering back and forth and your voice could shoo them away.
Another would do that someday. Just not that day.
Until then, I drove on through the rain with you beside me.