The Real Threats to Society

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Chapter One

Chocolate, Fog, and Boys

I remember the day we fed Kelly an all-chocolate lunch.

I'd gone to Mrs. Schell's class for lunch as usual, and there were my friends, trading up their lunches as we always did. And usually, we had something chocolate in our lunch.

Kelly has a particular fondness of chocolate and sugar that's almost inhuman. So she was trying to trade everything in her lunch for something that contained chocolate.

She succeeded and was scary the rest of the day.

That was in sixth grade.

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I was one of the new girls at Paramount (one of the smallest schools in the world) in sixth grade, and the building is very misleading. It looks safe. It has a safe name- "Paramount Charter Academy" (it's a public school). But in no way was it safe.

We didn't have eighth graders until me and my friends were seventh graders. My best friends were threats to society. Heck, we were all threats to society, especially since not a week went by when someone didn't threaten to blow up the school.

Relax, no one was serious.

The 2003 8th grade graduating class consisted of less than 30 people (and nobody failed), and we were used to going on random, spontaneous field trips that held no educational purpose and trying to push the lines with our teachers.

That was just us.

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In seventh grade, we had a math teacher named Mr. Rice and an English teacher named Ms. Hochstetler… we called her Ms. H usually. We liked to joke that Mr. Rice and Ms. H were in love, because hey, we were a bunch of 12 and 13-year-olds who liked to cause trouble.

One day, Ms. H was teaching about forming sentences and was bringing people up in front of class to make sentences. At the end of class, all the boys got up there because they wanted to do one. I think that Brad and Adrian and Ryan were involved in this, if memory serves me right.

The sentence went like this:

"Miss."

"H."

"Is."

"In."

"Love."

"With."

"Mister-"

By that point, the class was roaring with laughter and Ms. H had dismissed us.

--

Also in seventh grade, we went to camp with youth group. In hindsight, we think the boys had heard our plans to make-up them in the middle of the night and that's why it was an all-girls trip, but it was fun, nonetheless.

A few of us had decided to make a movie because we had a video camera handy. Kassondra, being the natural leader, decided it would be a murder mystery, and we would call it "Nature's Fury".

We started off that morning when the fog was pretty thick. Kelly pretended to die and she started yelling at the top of her lungs, "HELP, I'M BEING SUFFOCATED BY THE FOG!"

Then we went into the woods and we started to pretend that Emily was killing everybody off one by one.

Later we found out that a real murder had occurred in the area.

--

Boys were very annoying in seventh grade.

"Will you go out with me?"

"No."

"How come?"

"Cuz I don't like you."

That was Adrian. Then there was Brad.

"I love you."

Brad had always been a little weird.

"Will you marry me?"

"…Kelly!"

--

Miss Draper was one of the toughest teachers in school. Her favorite student to pick on was Keith, the village idiot.

"Keith, wake up!"

"…I am awake, Miss Draper!"

"Yeah right. Go stand in the corner."

Then he would fall asleep standing up.

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Marie and Georgie (short for Georgina) were best friends. However, when they got into a political debate, it was every man for himself, because Marie was a conservative Republican while Georgie was a liberal Democrat.

However, when they weren't debating, they would joke about debating. For instance, Marie would say something like- "Stupid JFK."

Or Georgie would say- "Stupid Bush."

Something like that.

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Keith had a huge nose. I'm not even joking. We used to make jokes about it. Heck, it would write out the jokes itself. After all, it was big enough to have its own arms and hands to write jokes with.

Paramount was a very small school, and in a very small school, news got around very quickly especially when it was about a well-known student. So the day that Keith sniffed pixie dust up his nose and started crying, "Ah! It burns! It burns!" it did not take long for everybody to find out and start laughing about it.

We called these types of incidents that Keith had "Keith moments".

--

Shajnett was very accident prone. Her problem was that she would try to be both a girl and a tomboy at the same time. Once, she hurt her ankle because she was playing basketball in high heels boots. Another time, she ran down the hill towards the bars, jumped up on them, and then landed on the ground, and then we noticed that she was in pain.

"Shajnett, what did you do now?"

"I think I dislocated my shoulder..."

--

In eighth grade, we had several new students. They included Blaine and Cam.

Blaine was a dork and I never really liked him. However, he went out with two of my best friends, first Shajnett, and then Kelly. When Kelly dumped him via letter, he moped for three days, and we were very amused.

I remember one conversation I had with him that basically summed up our relationship. He was commenting that he knew Shajnett pretty well and it was the same with Kelly, but he didn't really know me.

I said, "Good."

--

Cam was a different story. He was the shortest guy in the whole middle school and legally still supposed to be in a booster seat. He had a bad habit of letting his mouth run loose which would often land him in trouble. We had a friend-hate relationship, I guess you could say.

What I remember about Cam was the day we were playing Truth or Dare in Miss Gallagher's class. He got dared to call someone up and try to sell them nose clippers. We decided it would be funny to try to call Miss Draper.

"Hi, Miss Draper? This is Cam…"

We could hear her yelling already.

"Would you like a pair of nose clippers?"

He held the phone away from his ear and we could hear Miss Draper shouting, "CAM, GET OFF THE PHONE!"

--

Our band... was your typical middle school band. We thought we rocked, but in hindsight, we didn't. And there were was one song that was a particular favorite of everyone's which for some reason, we always thought to play very loudly. I think it was called "Chaos" or something like that, but at any rate, everybody liked it.

The band room was directly adjacent to Miss Draper's room, and while we were practicing, they could hear us. So after we got out, an ordinary conversation with my friend Kelly would go something like this:

"We heard the drums again."

"Oh yeah. We were playing Chaos."

"Oh. OK."

--

Middle schoolers, as a general rule, are mean.

"Chandler is on a trip to Australia."

The same held true for us.

"Maybe he won it through Unliked-People Anonymous."

Ah, yes. That marvelous middle school wit.

--

Recess was a dangerous time, and someone was bound to get hurt eventually, whether it was an accident or intentional.

Picture approximately eighty middle schoolers running out of two doors to get outside all at once, and then combine Shajnett in her high heel boots, which ultimately led to Kelly's demise.

She said she tripped over Shajnett's shoes, and then I saw her fly, but Cam said it was more "flumping". Either way, she landed sprawled out on the sidewalk, and it was funny.

"You flew, Kelly! Hahaha!"

"No she didn't! She flumped!"

"Oh shut up!"


All of these are true stories.