So go and scream, scream at me, I'm so far away, already broken, dead to life

1/31/05

It's the last day of January 2005 that seems so sad to me. Everything seems sad to me lately though. It's hard to go about living. I have to wait until the plays over to do anything to try and fix that though. I don't know what will happen once the play's over.

I listen to the chatter of everyone around me. It seems so much easier for them to live, then it seems to be for me. I don't know why that is.

Lately the voices I hear have been telling me to overdose on pills. Maybe I can, maybe I will.

6:00 PM

I'm at another play rehearsal right now and I have three more hours until it's over. Three whole hours more. Great. Just great.

8:40 PM

Just twenty more minutes until the rehearsal is over now. Okay, I can make it. Twenty more minutes and then all I have to push through is the drive home, and Monday will be over.

February 1st 2005

I had to write my date of birth on a permission slip form that I need to get my parents to sign. I hate writing my date of birth. I hate the fact that I was born in 1989. I call myself fourteen, and I tell everyone I know that I'm fourteen, but the truth is I was born in 1989 and am technically fifteen. I hate that so much. I don't feel ready to be fifteen. I feel like I lost time what with all the terrible stuff that's happened to me.

I got an EKG again today too. Of course it's now that my heart is pounding in my throat with palpitations. I bet the EKG comes out normal and they'll say I'm fine. That's just the way my life is.

I wish there were some medication I could take to stop my speeding heart rate, but even if there was, they wouldn't give it to me unless they found something wrong first. There has to be something wrong though. There has to be, dear god, I don't want to be normal.

I wonder what things would be like if life was like theater and everyone had set cues and entrances. People would stand backstage waiting patiently for the right line that would tell them to enter. Things would go so much more smoothly that way.

February 2nd 2005

Tomorrow's opening night for Fiddler on the Roof. I'm pretty excited. I really hope that we're all ready and that we don't screw up in front of two hundred people. Cal for the cast is at five o'clock event though we don't start until seven thirty. I wish that I could be in The Crucible again. I had so much fun in that show. I just love being able to step out of my life and into someone else's. It gives me a much needed break.

February 7th 2005

Our school break is over and I was dreading going back to school this morning. I was actually hoping that we'd get in a car accident on the way there. I was thinking that if I died I wouldn't have to deal with school anymore. Isn't that kind of pathetic? I'd rather be dead then go to school. Wow am I stressed, seriously stressed.

On the bus I was so uptight I found myself admitting to my friend Sam, that I wished I had something sharp so I could drag it through my skin. So far things haven't been that bad though.