It's a damn cold night trying to figure out this life. Why is everything so confusing, maybe I'm just out of my mind?

December 19th 2005

Something just feels really wrong this morning. It doesn't help that yesterday, while I was still at respite, I completely fell apart.

Staff there took the other girls and I to the skating rink, and then they needed to take us all back early because of me. I felt so ashamed and guilty. If only I didn't ever hear any of those scary voices. It's so hard though. The screaming in my head just wouldn't stop. Everyone got really worried about me and they had to take me upstairs and sit with me until my dad came to pick me up and give me an extra Haldol.

Today I still feel like I'm in a different dimension then everyone else. It's a challenge to relate to other people. I have to focus so hard to just carry on a normal conversation with someone else.

I let my head fall down in distress. I think the level of medications in my blood stream is too low.

All I have to do is just make it through the day. For some people that might seem like an easy task, but for me, it's a big deal.

Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow. Maybe if I make it through the next twelve hours and go to sleep, then maybe I'll wake up feeling normal.

A voice in the back of my head asks me,

"Yeah, but what if you wake up tomorrow still feeling horrible?"

I don't want to even think about that possibility. I just want to smack that voice.

December 20th 2005

Well, I spent about half of yesterday in the ER. I had a feeling something like that was coming. I could just tell from the way I'd been feeling. I knew I was teetering on an edge. I knew it was just a matter of time before I lost touch with reality.

I was in school when it happened. Everything started to look foggy and hazy to me and all I could hear was the voices talking to me, telling me to hurt myself. The next thing I knew I was in the ER with one of the clinicians from school sitting next to me. She said I'd stopped responding to everyone and had gone into the school's kitchen and tried to cut myself with a really big and sharp knife.

My mom showed up a little while after I'd returned to reality. She asked me what I wanted to do after they'd given me a shot of Haldol and had had a chance to calm down. I told my mom that I didn't want to go to the hospital and that I wanted to go home. I told her I'd be safe at home. She trusted me and took me home before I even had to talk to anyone.

I really hope I really can be safe at home.

I hear Tom's laugh from downstairs and it bites into me like a rabid squirrel. I just feel so cut off from the world. I feel so alone and misunderstood

I have a feeling that my dad will be mad at me about yesterday. He just never seems to be able to understand. I wish things in my life were simple and easy again, like when I was a baby.

December 22nd 2005

I'm so scared. I feel like I'm slowly losing my mind, that is, if I haven't lost it already. My paranoia about people thinking that I'm a manipulative liar has sky rocketed.

My parents and I have a family meeting with Theresa today. I have no idea where it's going to go. I don't think I have any deep dark secrets in danger of being exposed, but some part of me is terrified that something horrible will come up in the meeting.

I'm also worried because Theresa seems to think that my episodes of losing control are like panic attacks. I know for a fact that they're not. I don't like that she thinks that.

9:24 AM

I'm in school right now and despite my promises to myself that I would make it through the day smoothly, I'm starting to feel on edge again.

I feel bored and I feel on the verge of exploding. It's like the thoughts inside are running through too fast and completely naked and not fully formed.

Some of my thoughts are more like just flashes of feeling, but the feelings flash by so fast that I can't grab a hold of them and identify them.

I'm getting sudden violent urges toward some of the other kids in my homeroom.

Feelings of despair are beginning to haunt my thoughts, leading me closer to the ever-present suicidal thoughts that lurk in the back of my brain waiting to jump out and seize control.

December 26th 2005

I'm going to see a fancy child psychiatrist who's from Mclean Hospital. The problem is that my parents are emailing her all these reports before I go. The reports are from when I got evaluated by a really weird psychologist. They say horrible things about me. They say I'm an egocentric narcissist that fabricates symptoms and that I'm a manipulative liar. I believe they also called me passive aggressive at one point.

By the time this psychiatrist meets me, she'll have all these pre-formed ideas about me and won't be able to help the real me.

The reports that say the worst things about me are from one of the hospitals I was at. They're from this stuck up doctor and an evil social worker. I hated them when I was in the hospital because of the way they treated me, and I hate them now because of what they wrote about me.

Then there's Mary. Mary who betrayed me, she used to be my therapist. I stopped liking her when she started telling everyone that I had borderline personality disorder. I stopped seeing her soon after. She also wrote all this awful stuff about me, saying I'm a liar and stuff.

Man, it's only nine AM and I already have all these worry thoughts bouncing around in my head. Why can't people just accept all of me for who I am? Why can't they just accept that I hear voices and see things that other people don't, and that the voices make me hurt myself and do things that I don't want to?

It's not something I'm happy about. It's not something that I even like to think about, but it's the truth. It's something that happens to me and I've been forced to recognize and accept it. If other people could just accept it then I'd be having a much easier time right now.

On another topic, I have Cora to worry about.

Does Cora still enjoy spending time with me? Does she think that I'm a dumb, stupid, crazy liar? Is that why she never hangs out with me anymore?

Why does what other people think of me bother me so much?

Why can't I just accept that I disagree with others on some points?