you were supposed to be there.

you were supposed to hold my tears,
blow me kisses, love my life
you were supposed to care about me.

you whispered you loved me…
you told me you were there for me.
(just another lie, huh?)

no, not a lie, just a dream.
a (real) mother is a figure of my imagination.

still i was born of you, of your being
…is that not enough to give me worth
in. your. mind.

my smile lit up your Christmas tree,
were the candles on your birth cake…
but the reflection of my father's face.

your support of my life was not to come
from my own piggy bank that you'd saved for me.
your support wasn't shown in teacup rides
or movies or pizza dinners.

you make me cry of guilt
(for not letting your money be enough.)

but mom, i am looking for love.
is that so hard to understand?
i just need to hear you say,
"hunny, i am so proud of you."
(but actually mean it.)

i want to see you show up to my concerts,
award ceremonies, and events
without your cane to receive attention
and make me feel worse…

i wish i could remember baking cookies
and smelling sugar at Christmastime in your house
but all i remember is the scent of your alcohol.

you know, i try to explain to people
of my need for love…
they thinking i want a boyfriend…
but i hope you will understand that i just need
you to love me.

but all i can breathe in right now
is the byproduct of a loathe churning
deep within my heart.

(you have never made me hate myself more.)

i'll just disconnected my phone cord
so i won't here your screams reverberate
through. my. ears.

but don't think i have ever forgotten that
slap.lie.brokenpromise.bottle.screams…
that you've already tried on me

…nor will i forget about that empty seat
i saw amidst the lights of the audience (again)
tonight.

sure, i never told you.
but you never cared enough to ask.
(or call me, or write me, or think of me…)

yet for some reason i have never stopped thinking
of you.