Office Politics Chapter 1: ONE, a romance fiction

OFFICE POLITICS

Also known as

Yodelling by the Water Cooler, Office Politics Like You've Never Seen It Before.

Disclaimer: The format of this story is inspired by Meg Cabot's Boy trilogy. Also, I do not own MSN, Blogger or LiveJournal.

For Mannon, otherwise known as S.

ONE

From: "Tess Chen" (tessachen (a) lin.enterprises.tw)

To: "Ted Chen" (theodorechen (a) lin.enterprises.tw)

Re: FOOD!

Oy, little brother.

Remember to pick up some groceries from the mini-mart on the way home, okay?

I think all that's left in the fridge are your packs of disgustingly expired yogurt.

I mean… Yech. Just because you don't pamper your stomach –and yourself in the process— doesn't mean I don't.

Oh, and: make sure you get home with the groceries before I do… If not the first thing that'll happen is your duvet getting a bit of a (how shall I put it?)… makeover.

You know I'll do it. Yellow-white looks so nice on black. Especially when it's in pretty little splatters, hmm?

Be sure to include those scrumptious Japanese bentos from that new Japanese take-away that we tried last week in your purchases!

- The Elder One.

PS. Oh, yeah. Happy shopping, dear.

From: "Ted Chen" (theodorechen (a) lin.enterprises.tw)

To: "Tess Chen" (tessachen (a) lin.enterprises.tw)

Re: Re: FOOD!

To the irritating senior citizen twirling about in her noisy swivel-chair (no wonder, it has to bear your weight, after all) in the cubicle beside me:

Stop it with the Elder One stuff. It's only six minutes. Six minutes. Three hundred and sixty seconds, that is; and therefore a minute amount in the universal span of time.

Besides, being older doesn't mean you're more mature. On the contrary, in your case. I think your state of mind is inversely proportionate to your age; and proportionate to your rate of growth… Vertically.

Anyway. Are you nuts?

Have you forgotten that Satan is sending both of his spawns over from the United States today? I have to go receive them from the airport with the crazy idiot yodelling over by the water cooler and generally act like subservient lapdogs, remember? I wonder if we have to kneel on the floor and lick their (no doubt) polished designer shoes.

In other words: I have no time for your games.

And you know that if you pour the stale yogurt on my duvet, it's only a matter of time before your caving in to wash –It can only be hand-washed, by the way; it's Egyptian cotton, with a thousand thread count— it yourself. I can always grab one of the spare blankets and sleep in the living room.

Or stay with one of my girlfriends. So… Up yours.

And even if the devils aren't arriving today, I'd have a date anyhow, and thus, will not be free to entertain your obvious machinations either.

Remember her? Lucy, from the Accounting Department? I have just the perfect solution to get her to let her hair down again… both literally and figuratively. She's been remarkably quiet ever since the Assistant General Manager broke it off with her.

Ah. But I forget myself. Such innuendos will not work on someone who has miraculously remained a virgin for twenty-six years.

Ever your loving, younger, MORE EXPERIENCED brother,

Ted.

From: "Tess Chen" (tessachen (a) lin.enterprises.tw)

To: "Ted Chen" (theodorechen (a) lin.enterprises.tw)

Re: Are you serious??

OH MY FREAKING GOD, TEDDY.

The Heir and the Spare—I mean, Camden and Arron Lin are coming? I didn't know!!!

I'm serious. I swear. I can see your puzzled frown from here. Sorry, was just too excited…

I'm sure those Star Wars figures of yours that I knocked off of our partition are going to be fine. Dazed, but fine.

Just like how my current feelings are.

Anyway. Oh my Lord. They're coming? Are you sure? Today??

For this piece of information I'll help you buy the groceries, baby brother… JUST THIS ONCE, though.

For the first time in your miserable life, you deserve it.

I have to tell Shelley and Helene! This is big news. Big, big news.

Stop rolling your eyes. I'm not blind, you know. And I can't help it. The squeals issuing from my mouth seem to have taken on a life of their own.

I mean, even from a purely aesthetical point of view; do you know how gorgeous the two of them are? Camden Lin by himself is able to launch a million ships…

Coupled with his brother, The Spare (whom I understand from the company website is only twenty), I think the number of ships—or okay, if you want to improve with the times; planes that they're liable to launch together is in the astronomical category.

And before you start any wisecracks about the age gap; I'd like to inform you that I'm more interested in the Heir than the Spare. Again, from a purely aesthetical viewpoint.

(It's the smile. And the eyes. And the shoulders. And the hands. Plus, he is older, at twenty-eight. And Asian. Albeit American-born. Still, you can't say Ma won't approve.)

All in all, he's perfect fantasy material, seeing how there's zero percentage of chance that we'll end up together in real life.

As for calling Sojiro, and I quote you, "the crazy idiot yodelling by the water cooler", well… you'd best not let Hazel hear that. I heard she made a girl in the Human Resources department cry her eyes out just for saying Jiro looks a bit on the mentally deficient side with his new haircut.

(Just between you and me, the too-short fringe is really a mistake.)

Oh, and before I forget: Hazel has, uh, changed her name –again—from Hanako to Hanami. Apparently 'Hanako', besides being the given name of Her Imperial Highness Princess Hitachi of Japan, is also the er, name of a sort of ghost that haunts school bathrooms in Japan; charmingly hailed as 'Hanako-san of the Restroom'. You can imagine how well that explanation of said name stood with her.

Back to business. Oh, yeah, you're going with Jiro?? What, the General Manager isn't scared that'll he'll shove his gigantic foot into his mouth again? So tell me the details—

Ah, whatever, I'll just ask you outright.

From: "Tess Chen" (tessachen (a) lin.enterprises.tw)

To: "Shelley Morrissey" (shelleymorrissey (a) lin.enterprises.tw)

Cc: "Helene Foo" (helenefoo (a) lin.enterprises.tw)

Re: NEWS REGARDING THE HEIR AND SPARE!

Good afternoon, my dearest, more precious than the One Ring, more beautiful than roses in full bloom, sweeter than caramelised sugar and cuter than the newest Tamagotchi wives!

Shelley- Is that greeting effusive enough to meet your ridiculously high standards? LOL.

Anyway.

Guess what? Camden and Arron Lin, better known as Cam-you-know-that's-the-CEO-aka-the-Heir and Arron-with-the-double-Rs Lin-aka-the-Spare are touching down at the Taiwan Taoyuan International Airport at eighteen hundred hours… Tonight.

Flight number is 881, United Airlines, coming from Narita International Airport, and the John F. Kennedy Airport in New York before that.

I'm not joking. I've just wrangled the information out of Teddy dearest, who, by the way, has a date on an unspecified day with that Lucy girl (the one whom everyone had pegged as the next Accounting Director because she was sleeping with the Assistant General Manager last year?); seems like he's interested in an all-out pursuit.

Just thought you'd like to know, Helene.

But I'm digressing. Where was I?

Oh, yes, the Heir and Spare (I can't help but applaud you once again, Shelley, for having one of your rare genius moments when you came up with that label for them).

Information from Teddy once again: The Heir has apparently cut his hair and looks boyishly handsome, or from what I deduced from my beloved twin's grudging, "At least he looks like a man now."

And we're supposed to gather at the front lobby like the well-trained little soldier freaks we are –not– for, erm, inspection tomorrow.

And Ms Morrissey, do kindly remember that we at the Marketing department are not robots. We are not super beings made with multi-million dollar budgets who are capable of whipping up a proposal in two seconds, so please remind your subordinates to send us the information regarding the new line from Levi's so we can start planning the new layout of the merchandise yesterday, and not sit around to pick at our nails while waiting for the new millennium to approach when this one has barely even started.

Ms Foo, will you please push my harassment suit to the end of next week? I swear, I did not know those were his nether regions that I was grabbing on when I lost my balance from the stepladder. My hand was at that level by coincidence, and I merely—

Sorry, the damned GM (he came down for inspection again today) has been walking past every five minutes to make sure I'm working. All I did was to squeal a little too loudly when questioning Teddy and he was all over me; he's been doing that for the past two weeks now, and it's starting to get irritating.

It's as if he's deliberately looking for a reason to usher me into his office for questioning… And we all know what that means.

Remember Shannon, and how his secretary accidentally walked in onto them during one of his 'questioning' sessions? Ew.

But enough about that.

So! What are the two of you going to do for me in return for getting hold of all this classified-worthy information?

-From the Person Whom You Owe Your Everlasting Gratitude.

From: "Shelley Morrissey" (shelleymorrissey (a) lin.enterprises.tw)

To: "Tess Chen" (tessachen (a) lin.enterprises.tw)

Cc: "Helene Foo" (helenefoo (a) lin.enterprises.tw)

Re: I'll kiss you in front…

… Of everyone else so that they'll be convinced once and for all that you're a lesbian and lay off hankering after you!

Haha!!! Oh, I'm such a genius!

The Heir cut his hair?! Oh, that rhymes!

But why?? He looks beautiful with his hair! A little girlish, but... My god, still ever so hot!!

I mean, those are –or were, in this case- natural waves! I'd kill to get those!!! Do you know how much I spent last month at the salon Molly from Computing recommended me just to get a ceramic perm like his??

NT 9000 plus, that's what!!

Maybe I'll ask him about his secret to having such good hair… Ooooh!! Can't wait to see them in the flesh tomorrow!!!

XOXOXOXOXO,

Wife #1

Ps. Our dear GM Tang should just get laid by the same person on a permanent basis instead of trying to have flings with everyone in his department. Long-term commitment is just so much more satisfying than one-night (or even one week) stands!!

Pps. Lunch, my dears??

You have been graced by the regal presence of HRH Princess Shelley! Bow down before her Royal Highness!

From: "Helene Foo" (helenefoo (a) lin.enterprises.tw)

To: "Tess Chen" (tessachen (a) lin.enterprises.tw)

Cc: "Shelley Morrissey" (shelleymorrissey (a) lin.enterprises.tw)

Re: How childish can the two of you be?

For God's sake, Shelley, can you please remove that idiotic signature? I hope you do realise that you're twenty five this year, and not five.

Also, kindly desist from gushing about long-term commitment to us. You're preaching to the damned, and I for one, am happy to burn in Hell.

Anyway, Tess, how many times do I have to tell you that whatever your brother does or doesn't do does not concern me in any way at all? Kindly refrain from mentioning such vulgar topics to me again. I'd like to keep my meals just where they are, thank you very much.

As for the damned GM, just tell him he's intruding in your privacy and that you'll sue him for sexual harassment if he doesn't get out of your sight in five seconds. And don't give me the crap about him firing you for sure if you utter that outrageous retort. I work at the Human Resources. He'll leave you alone for sure.

Moving onto the bloody Cam, Camden, Arron or Aaron, whatever: I have and will have no interest at all whatsoever at hearing or even discussing about them. They're just our bosses. So what if they have pleasing exteriors? It is usually to my experience that handsome guys either turn out to be a) playboys b) himbos c) gays.

Let's wait and see if they have sustenance up there. A six-pack can only get you so far.

Now, stop bombarding my email inbox with emails. Some of us actually have to work.

Regards,

Helene Foo.

Human Resources, Director.

Ps. No, Shelley, I will not have lunch with the two of you. I shall stress it again: I have work to do. And you have them too, if you'd just spare the heap of multi-coloured files vying for your attention on your desk a glance or two.

From: "Shelley Morrissey" (shelleymorrissey (a) lin.enterprises.tw)

To: "Tess Chen" (tessachen (a) lin.enterprises.tw)

Re: Someone's not happy.

She's jealous!

-Wife #1.

You have been graced by the regal presence of the immature HRH Princess Shelley! Bow down before her Childishly Royal Highness!

From: "Tess Chen" (tessachen (a) lin.enterprises.tw)

To: "Shelley Morrissey" (shelleymorrissey (a) lin.enterprises.tw)

Re: Re: Someone's not happy.

I know. Greener than a fir tree. She can't fool us.

-Your Husband.

PS. I swear, one of these days I'm going to lose patience and lock the two of them in a room together or something.

From: "Shelley Morrissey" (shelleymorrissey (a) lin.enterprises.tw)

To: "Tess Chen" (tessachen (a) lin.enterprises.tw)

Re: Regarding your nefarious plan

Ooooh! I'll be the one who turns the key in the lock!!!

-Wife #1

Ps. Lunch at Giovanni's?? No, don't reply! I know what your answer will be! Meet you at the main lobby at 1!

You have been graced by the regal presence of the immature HRH Princess Shelley! Bow down before her Childishly Royal Highness!