Dearest Daughter,

It has come to my attention that you are blossoming into a young woman who has expressed interest in mingling with members of the opposite sex. I am not opposed to this idea, but I must inform you that there are ten restrictions as to what kind of activities you and this theoretical member of the opposite sex may partake in. I think you will find that they are quite reasonable and will serve as the best tool in guiding your high school dating experiences.

1. Do NOT eat dinner with him, especially if there is desert. If he offers you chocolate, DO NOT TAKE IT! Chocolate acts an aphrodisiac since it is made up of such chemicals as phenethylamine which can act as a mild SEXUAL stimulus! You may think it is an adorable gift if is disguised in a heart-shaped box, but do NOT fall for this trickery! Wrapping up an immoral substance in sparkley paper does not make it any less devasting to your purity!

2. Do NOT go anywhere in a car with him. Guys only use cars for one thing, and that is to get innocent young girls to throw away all their morals in the back seat… Or the passenger seat… Or the drivers seat. Heaven forbid if he tries to get you on the floor mats!

3. Do NOT go on walks together. Do you know where walks end up? At parks! Do you know what takes place at parks? SEX AND DRUGS, sex and drugs! You may think you are going to look at the beautiful autumn tress, but you WON'T BE when you are under the picnic table doing… oh you KNOW what you'll be doing!

4. Do NOT go shopping with him. You may think that it is an innocent trip to the mall, but it WON'T be when he "accidentally" walks into Victoria's Secret and wants you to try on that little Santa number! I don't know what holiday shows HE has been watching, but santa definately does NOT wear lacey undergarments! That is just not NATURAL! THINK OF THE CHILDREN!

5. Do NOT meet his parents! Do you know what may happen if his parents build a friendship with you? They will trust you! And what happens when they trust you, leaving you guys all by yourself in the basement? IMMORALITY, that's what!

6. Do NOT go anywhere with music. This "rap music" that the young folk listen to these days… OH, WHERE HAVE THE MORALS GONE? All this bumping and grinding… that is NOT dancing! Do you know what my mother called it? FOREPLAY! I will not have that going on while you are wearing an 100 dollar dress at prom, missy!

7. Do NOT go swimming together! Men should not have to preview the goods before they're bought! No one will be seeing your midrift! That is soley for your husband, and only on special occasions!

8. Do NOT go to the movies! Pressing close to each other in dark corners is HARDLY what I consider a proper date! The only thing you'll end up watching is your MORALS, FALLING FROM YOUR SOUL AND SHATTERING ON THE STICKY FLOOR! Oh… and the concessions are WAY overpriced!

9. Do NOT go to the library! You may think you are going to study, but he WILL have other things in mind! You know those librarians… they are old and oblivious! He will take advantage of their poor hearing the moment he gets you behind the bookshelf, mark my words!

10. And last, and CERTAINLY not least, DO NOT, in any circumstances, go… BOWLING. There is so much moral discontempt at those places you may burst into flames the minute you walk in the doors! Do you know who influences young people at bowling alleys? SMOKING, DRUNK TRUCKERS who don't have careers or morals! And don't ever let your date stand behind you in order to teach you how to throw a bowling ball. They don't want to teach you, they just want an excuse to push themselves against your hind quarters! YOUR BUTTOCKS ARE FOR SITTING, not for flaunting! I raised you better than that! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME!?

Other than those ten restrictions, I am open to anything you would like to suggest. I expect that you will find these guidelines easy to follow. Remember that it is your duty as a woman to uphold morality and perfection in every circumstance and that men should never be trusted, for they are only humans by scientific classification, but personality-wise they are dogs.

I love you honey!
Mommy