.dead.
.silence.

I have nothing to say anymore.
I've worn myself out with the words that I didn't mean to say
but they slipped away before I could stop them.
I'm so close to tears now that I can feel my face tightening and my eyes welling and my throat closing
and I only hope that tonight I won't cry myself to sleep again over this.
She's my best friend
and you're my boyfriend.
I wish I could have said something else
that wouldn't have made me cringe
and cry
but it's the only thing that's been on my mind.
It feels like a weight's been lifted.
The weight's been there for a while
but it's gone now.
I hate that lifting feeling
because then I feel empty and I can feel the depression coming back to fill that space.
You try to start the conversation again
but it's hopeless.
I've said what I wanted to say
and now I'm just mourning my mistake.
I'm running my fingers through my hair and biting my lips again.
My braces are rubbing against my bottom lip.
I hate that feeling.
I wish this would stop.
I wish she'd stop pretending that she's not replacing me and for once actually act like my friend.
I can't stop my feelings.
I can't stop my words.
I can't stop my thoughts.
I know I shouldn't have said some of those things,
but it's how I feel about this.
I feel like both of them are treating me like shit for no reason.
Ignoring me,
replacing me,
with each other.
I can't stop my own guilt rising from the depths of my conscience.
I can't change what she said to me.
I can't change the words that she wrote for me.
I can't change what's in the past.
I can't just magically feel loved and accepted.
I can't feel that way when they let me stand there and fall apart
and neither of them did anything for me.
No one did anything for me.
Not one single fucking person tried to do anything for me.
They all just let me stand there
and fall apart completely.
Great friends I've got right?

a/n: I'm haunted by the words
I love you stix.
But I hate you too.

I. Can't. Change. What. She. Said.
I can't take back that I called her a shitty friend.
I can only regret it.