Pour Some Eggnog On Me
By Nara Merald
Summary: It's not my fault that the kitchen table is broken, my little sister knows all about gay sex and a group of girl scouts think Santa Clause is a drunken pervert. But… it is my fault that that that asshole across the road is getting coal for Christmas.
Disclaimers: I don't own the song 'Pour Some Sugar On Me' by Def Leppard. I do not own Maltesers, though we have literally gone through about three BIG bags in three days at Layby alone, and they are quite delicious. I do not own Christmas, if I did, I would definitely ban carols. And my younger, horridly out of tune cousins from attempting to sing said carols. And I'd make Pizza the staple Christmas lunch. Mmm, Pizza.
Oh, notage: In the SITYWAT timeline, Christmas would be at the end of term 4, which will be the final story. (E.g. everyone would be paired up). But clearly, that hasn't happened yet in this story, so this is a non-cannon Christmas special without proper pairings, the only pairings will be the ones only mentioned so far in SITYWAT because clearly, it isn't Christmas yet in their world.
Pour Some Eggnog On Me
It's Christmas Eve, and I'm thinking deep, insightful thoughts.
I wonder if Santa Clause worries about his weight; the guy is a fat bastard, who tricks children into thinking that they'll get Twister, then what do you know, it's actually Trivial Pursuit and you didn't want Trivial Pursuit, I WANTED TWISTER DAMMIT!
"You need to get over that, seriously," Dan comments, watching as our little sister Emma flips her curly black hair and starts attacking Shannon with glitter all over again, the latter correcting her use of bright red lipstick to a candy pink.
"Your … your FACE needs to get over it!" Emma retorts, hands on hips, blue eyes sparkling.
"You've been hanging around Nick way too much young lady," Shannon chides, ignoring Dan snickering at him. I'm just picturing Emma growing up and doing some of the things Nick does… It really hurts my head to think of Emma mock humping things. It's also mega-creepy.
Suddenly, the phone rings, almost absurdly loudly, and I jump, because honestly, it scared the shit out of me and phones really shouldn't be that loud. Dan snickers again. I think he's been drinking because his eyes are vaguely glazed.
"Patrick, it would be a good idea to answer the phone instead of simply staring at it hon," Shannon says in amusement.
"Yeah, hon," Emma chirps in. It's been a really bad idea letting her meet our friends.
"Hello?" I offer into the phone.
"Whatcha up to slick?" Nick asks.
"Babysitting Emma," I reply lazily.
"Clearly we're hosting a Christmas party," Nick decides, with an expectant pause.
"Clearly I'm babysitting Emma…" I return back, bored.
"Can't you just like, leave her in a park?" Nick whines.
"No way! She'll totally get abducted by Aliens!" I cry, outraged. Cause you know what? Who will rescue her then, huh? It won't be Nick building a rocket to fly into space.
"Ok, party at your house. Is the Stacinator out?" Nick asks.
"Um, I'm pretty sure we didn't agree to host this…" I say slowly.
"Great, I'll tell everyone to come at seven," Nick laughs as I begin protesting to the dial tone.
"Did I hear the word party?" Dan grins.
"I never said the word party!" Sometimes I wonder if Dan is psychic.
"You didn't have to, I know your friends," Dan flicks me on the nose. My nose hurts. I think I'll go and sulk… but then again, we are apparently hosting a party in a few hours.
When Adam and Warren return from football practice, they decide it's a good idea to chase Emma around the house (if only to give poor Shannon a break) so there's a sugar crazed little girl with curly black pigtails running around with bright pink made up cheeks and lips and blue eye shadow squealing and alternately chasing and being chased by my two tall, broad stepbrothers.
On the one hand, it's not so surprising when Adam jumps out from behind the table yelling "I'm gonna get you Isa!" (Em's middle name is Isabelle) and laughing as she shrieks and runs away from him. It is surprising to see the normally reserved Warren grin evilly and laugh, grabbing her from behind as she runs past his hiding place and lift her into the air.
Finally, Dan comes in with his hand out, halting her screams.
"I, Prince Daniel have come to save the Princess Emma Isabelle, from the two dastardly villains Warren and Adam!" he declares loudly.
"And Patrick?" Emma looks to me, waiting for my role in this little play. I'm probably a prince by default. Sir Patrick the Brave… or something.
"Patrick? Well Patrick is my trusty steed!" Dan announces. I think I choke a little, and Adam, Warren and Emma have the nerve to laugh.
"Come on horsy! I wanna ride!" Emma cries, launching herself at my back, and I mean launching. That kid should do high jump.
Of course, as fate would have it, Nick invites himself around and walks in to find me with a pained expression on my face as Emma sits on my back hitting me with her skipping rope and yelling "Faster horsy! Faster!" and cracks it.
I, unfortunately, am not so amused, especially when Dan and Adam are trying to encourage Emma's rampage.
"Come on sweets, it's chocolate time," Shannon says from the stairs, clutching the topping, and giving Dan a very suggestive leer that Warren and I both wince at.
We all just watch in silence as Shannon and Dan disappear upstairs.
"Are they going to have sex?" Emma pipes up.
My little sister did not just ask that. Adam is choking. Warren is twitching. I am gaping. Nick is on the ground laughing.
"Yes, yes they are," Nick answers her.
"Nick!" Adam and I gasp.
Conversation just got really awkward from then on.
The Shaynes' house is vibrating with music, Nick, the two Sarahs and Natalya are wearing Santa hats, there's pizza boxes littering the kitchen (we always seem to eat pizza… we sure are lazy) and Emma is opening her 'pre-Christmas presents' that we were all instructed to bring her. I got her a bag of Maltesers. I really don't know what girls like.
Harvano and Lawrence got her makeup, but she really doesn't need it. I know she's Patrick's sister but little girls and makeup palettes do not go together. I see Nick grin to Sarah, pull out a bottle of… well I'd bet money on it being alcohol, and pour it into the egg nog.
I can't resist the opportunity I have, and catching Patrick alone, I yank him into a spare room, grinning at his surprise. His curly brown hair is especially unruly tonight, and I run a hand through his hair before leaning over to kiss him, pressing myself into him and grinding slightly, enjoying his shocked intake of breath. I grin to myself and lightly bite his lip, trailing my mouth over his neck as his eyes glaze pleasantly over and he starts to pant slightly. I suspect he'd find it offensive that I find him ten times more attractive when he's lost in a sexual haze, instead of rambling about… well anything he sees. My happy molesting session is disturbed when I feel something tugging at my shirt, and slowly turn around. Please not Patrick's dad, please not Patrick's dad…
"Are you and Patrick going to have sex?" Emma asks. I blink. Patrick freaks.
"Emma!" he shrieks.
"Because Dan and Shannon have sex, but I thought two boys couldn't have sex," Emma continues. I hear Nick snickering outside in the hallway, before he walks in and takes Emma's hand. Patrick and I are just standing there, floored. From the hallway, their voices float back to us.
"Two guys can definitely have sex, they just need more preparation," Nick says in a knowledgeable tone.
"Preparation?" Emma queries.
"NIIIIIIIIIIICK!!" We hear Adam scream, then Nick scream, then a lot of thumping and running around. Finally I turn back to Patrick in shock, having totally, totally lost the mood.
"That was really awkward," Patrick states unnecessarily.
Sometimes, all you can really do is sigh.
When I return, all seems to have settled over, and by that I mean that Nick is standing on our dining room table singing along to "Pour Some Sugar On Me" by Def Leppard (except yelling "Pour Some Eggnog On Me"), the song itself ear-blastingly loud. Sarah Harvano decides to join him, Saral looking apprehensive because our table is pretty damn expensive. Natalya just keeps laughing, like she's drunk, which is weird, because we've only been drinking eggnog.
Saral's reservations go out the window when Dan gets on, and finally even Adam is up there. What was in that eggnog? I look at my cup and shrug, drinking it and pouring myself some more. Hey, it's good eggnog! When I look up again, Sarah is actually pouring eggnog over Nick and licking it off his arm and laughing really loud… she's got a very distinctive laugh. Warren is snickering to himself as Shannon joins them on the table, and they're all dancing when I hear the first cracking noise. Heath immediately looks at me, and we turn to the people on the table. The two Sarahs have frozen, Shannon is looking at the table beneath his feet. Nick and Dan are still dancing wildly and Adam, unrealising, decides to jump off the table. Too late… with a loud CRACK, the legs give out and the table crashes to the floor as the people on top shriek/laugh/yell. Soon, the music is still blaring, Nick is still dripping Eggnog and we're all staring at the remains of said very expensive table. Ooh, Dad's gonna be pissed.
"Shhhhiiiiiiiiit," Saral whistles. Sarah looks sheepish.
"What do we do?" Adam yells. Dan shrugs. I know this is going to sound really, really stupid, but we all just shrugged ourselves, exited the room and closed the door.
"Let's go Trick or Santa-ing!" Nick declares. I find myself thinking 'great idea!'.
Then, Isaac magically appears! Like Magic! Wow!
"Patrick, are you drunk?" Heath asks in amusement.
"I've only had three eggnogs!" I protest, because eggnog is innocent and Christmas-y and non-alcohol-y.
"Lightweight," he snorts. I don't really understand what's going on, so I ignore it.
Nick then reaches into the backpack he bought, and brings out a full sized Santa suit.
Things will probably only go downhill from here.
I'd really hate to be Stacey and Mark when they come home and find their table broken. It looks like a ridiculously overpriced type of brand. I especially love the fact that no one did anything about it - now there's some smart thinking, just ignore it and it will go away.
Isaac turned up at the door, Warren invited him in, and Patrick started staring at him as if we'd pulled him out of thin air. I'm pretty sure everyone else either didn't realise the eggnog is spiked, or didn't care. I reckon Nick poured a whole bottle in there. Guess it's a good thing I don't like eggnog, right?
Then Nick, resplendent in a Santa suit leads us all out, declaring we're playing Santa. If you think this means Nick haphazardly climbed onto some strangers roof and dropped random objects down the chimney, you're dead right.
The people at number 35 got a rake. Patrick started laughing like maniac and actually went back inside the house to get some coal, making Nick climb the house across the road and drop it in their chimney. I think their fire was going, because all of a sudden, a mass of smoke shot out of their chimney and we had to run down the road really fast. It was pretty funny though.
Right now, we're all out of breath, Isaac is torn by being incredulous and sulking when Harvano pokes him and laughs, I see what looks suspiciously like Dan and Shannon's shoes sticking out from behind the power box at the park across the road and a pair of women's underwear on the box, and Natalya is occasionally drunkenly singing "All I want for Christmas is my two left feet!"
Warren has his arm around Saral, Adam keeps asking Patrick questions ("What do you want to be when you grow up?" "BATMAN! Cause then I'd be… BATMAN! HA HA ow!") because he's drunk, and now he's fallen over, and… wow. Nick is on the road thrusting his hips, waving to a group of carolling girl scouts and shouting "SANTA LIKES IT!"
The parents are now glaring and ushering the girls away quickly.
There you have it folks, a typical Christmas with us… and you know what?
I think I like it.
Firstly, you are reading this because my friend posted it for me (alas, my internet is not working at the moment, fuck you Telstra, FUCK YOU! BOO! BOYCOTT TELSTRA!) so if you're feeling grateful:
a) Review and say how awesome both she and I are (I'll show her)
b) Check out her stories
Her FictionPress name is Kuradok Evangeline and she's on my favourite authors list people. FYI, in 'Confessions of a teenage apparel supervisor', I am Nariko. And yes, Layby does suck ass. I have a double midnight shift on Thursday- 12.00am-4.00am then 5.00pm-12.00am on the same day. I'm'a be fucked, y'all.
What does eggnog taste like? I've really never had it.
Progress has been made on a SITYWAT front, 3 more chapters due, and I'm currently finalising the storylines for Nick and Adam's stories.
Merry Xmas, Kisses, Hugs, and my hands are down your pants in spirit,