Chapter Title: "Stolen Heart"
Summary: I miss you more whenever I think about you. I thought I could live without you, but I guess I was wrong. I never know what to say around you, but I know how to type it. This is for you.
Moment of Truth.
By: Kir Sirin.
I remember the first time I met you. Heh. It wasn't that long ago, but I still remember the cold feeling you gave me. You didn't even look at me.
I couldn't take me eyes off you.
I wouldn't shut up either. Ha.
Today was probably the worst day of my life. But, of course, I smiled throughout the day and I made witty jokes and called you a dork. I never want you to see me cry. I try my hardest not to let you see me upset.
Today was horrible because I know I'm failing you. I have a job to do, but I just can't do it. Can't you see? I've fallen so hard and I can't get up. I feel like I'm just some stupid love song repeating itself over and over.
You're the exact opposite of me. You're anti-social, rude, cold, mean, impatient, unwilling, stiff, and reluctant to trust me.
You never will. I know you never will. When this is all over, you won't even want to look at me. You'll hate me.
But you're wonderful, smart, funny, strong, cute, surprising, unpredictable, brave, and absolutely beautiful.
I swear, you dont know how beautiful you really are.
I'll take a vow to be the only one there for you. The only one to hold your hand, be your crying shoulder, is there for you no matter what, and to be the only one who loves you no matter what you think.
I'm all wrong for you.
I don't deserve you. You said that I deserve better? Ha! Darling, you don't know what a horrible person I am. You've never tasted what sadness really is. You think because you have a few petty problems that God's forsaken you? No, no, you've never come close to forsaken.
I'm not trying to beat you with my problems. I'm just trying to make you see that what you have is good.
Every moment I'm not with you, I'm thinking about you. You give me a feeling that just knocks the wind out of me. I've never had someone that could make me cry, or laugh, as hard as you do. I've wasted hours wiping tears from my face in my room with the lights off.
I must sound like a loser, huh?
I read your Xanga's hoping that they'll give me some sort of insight into you. Some sort of sign for me maybe… I don't know. But all I ever read about is how Sarah makes your world go round and some girl named Katya.
Sarah doesn't feel anything close to what I feel for you.
Even if she did, she would break your heart everyday. She's not right for you. But then again… Who am I to judge?
You love who you love, I suppose.
That's what my dad keeps saying. He keeps trying to convince me this is some stupid destiny calling or something.
I kinda think he's right…
I mean, I think about you everyday. If you think about something, or someone, that much, and you can't get them out of your head even when you try, then you shouldn't ignore something like that. Because something like that… Something as strong as that, what more could it be? Maybe... You are my destiny.
Don't even try to tell me that this is some phase.
Some nights I lay awake and think of reasons to call you. They're all stupid reasons, but still. I love it when you call me. Even though our conversations never really amount to anything, I still love to hear the sound of your voice.
It's become one of my favorite sounds.
You think I don't care. I know you do. I'm not used to feeling this emotion… So I'm not sure on how to show it. I buy you things; that doesn't work. I give you compliments; you just get angry with me.
You seem to always be angry with me.
I can never just make you happy. No, someone else has to do that for me. I can never just have a special moment with you to have all for myself. Your walls are always up around me. You have so many locked doors with so many different keys. I can't figure out what to do. It seems I just make things worse.
I can tell I make you mad.
I try not to. Instead I act stupid and make you jealous on purpose. I rant and rave about public school friends and make you feel horrible.
I'd rather make you jealous than angry.
Because you being jealous means you must feel something, right? Being mad just means I annoy you.
Sometimes you get angry at me and you don't say anything. You just give me a look.
That looks makes me feel worthless, horrible, ugly, nasty, mean, and every other negative word in the dictionary.
You really have no clue on what kind of spell you have on me. You could make me jump off a cliff or rob a bank for you. You could make me do anything.
Every time I am sure of something about you, like when I'm sure saying something specific will drive you mad, you change seasons on me. You always do that. I can never figure you out.
You're this confusing, complicated, mess and I can't get enough of you.
You fit so well in my arms.
I really think we were made for each other. I mean, when you hug me, it feels like putting a piece to a puzzle in the right spot. We just fit, and you know what they say; "Opposites attract".
On cold nights, like these, I can't help but think of you.
I wish you would put some faith in me. I wish you would smile at me for no reason at all. Not because I told a joke, or said something interesting, but just to give me a smile.
I wish you wouldn't lie to me either. I swear a lie has never hurt me as much as they do when I'm with you. It could be a lie about nothing and it hurts like someone's tearing my heart apart.
I watched Star Wars for you.
Ha, I just wanted to say that. My dad rented every Star Wars movie ever made and we had a marathon. He explained things I didn't get and pointed out things I had never noticed before. I still don't see what the hell you like about it, but still.
We both tried so hard. My dad's a Star Wars Geek too.
Although, I must admit, I had to smile every time a part came up that I figured you would like. I felt like you were right there next to me on the edge of your seat, or giggling at some stupid joke someone made.
Which were never funny by the way.
I felt like I had a piece of you all to myself that day. My dad and I labeled it the 'Star Wars Day'. Afterwards my brain was so fried I dreamt about Star Wars.
I know this is wrong. I know that I shouldn't be feeling this way towards you. I know that it will mess everything up and that we'll probably end up hating each other in the end. I know.
I know that you will.
I could never hate you. Never. No matter what happens, nothing like that could ever crawl into my heart.
Darling, I'm failing you, and I know it. It's strange how 'failing' and 'falling' are almost the same word, but with two distinct meanings when it comes to talking about you.
Darling, I'm falling for you.
I'm sorry. If you get hurt when this is over… I'll try my best to make it right. I never want you to feel lonely or sad ever again. I want to make you feel happy and warm all over. I want to be the blanket that soothes you after a long Winter.
I hope you'll understand.
I hope you'll believe me when the time comes to tell you the whole truth. I'll give it another year. How about on Christmas? That would be good… Kevin sent that love letter to you on Christmas… Or how about Halloween? I love Halloween.
I'll do it then.
We'll get dressed up, I'll say something like, 'Let's go trick or treating', and I'll take you to Aidrian's party and I'll tell you everything!
Or I could quit.
I would do that for you.
I'll quit and we could be on the run. Hmm… That sounds like a great adventure. Would you be up for it?
I was heartbroken when you came to school, a few months ago, and said we weren't running away together. When you gave me that note I cried in the bathroom all throughout Theology. Some girl asked if I needed help and I just shook my head. You didn't need to explain. All I needed to read were those two words;
You had me there. I hope I never make you cry that hard.
I know that this sounds pretty obsessive and lovesick, but what can I say? I guess I'm both.
You know, sometimes I look at you and I could swear you loved me too.
It drives me crazy whenever you do that. There are days when I have the chance to kiss you, but I keep imagining you shoving me away, or slapping my face afterwards. So I shove all my feelings up in a bottle and pray it doesn't overflow.
If this keeps up, I'll probably do something drastic.