How to Get a Girlfriend in 30 Days

Chapter One

A/N's: This is not just about getting a girlfriend, despite the title. Yes it is the main storyline, but there are many other subplots concerning Alex's life. Just letting you know. This story will have some language, some crude/dirty jokes, and more mature themes. Yeah. I hope you guys like my story and I always return review for review. And don't hesitate to leave constructive criticism, I'll do the same for you.

"Seems like everybody has a girlfriend these days and they're getting, you know, their first kiss," said Daniel with a casual attempt at nonchalance though I could tell that he was subtly bragging in front of someone who had gotten neither. Yep, that was me.

I didn't really have anything to say to that, so I just gave a neutral murmur from my throat and drove to the basket for a left-handed lay-up. The ball banked in for a soft swish. I recollected my basketball and asked Dan if he wanted to go one-on-one. He refused.

"Wow, you are such a pussy," I told him mockingly, trying to get him mad, like he'd gotten me angry with his girlfriend slight. I mean, he'd had a chick for a couple of days and now he was already bragging to me in the park. And his first kiss had happened last night, at the Homecoming Dance. The same Homecoming Dance that me and a friend had ditched and then had had to endure possibly the most socially awkward moments of our lives when we'd unwittingly gone to the same restaurant as a bunch of other freshmen. Yeah, freshmen that were dressed up and actually going to the dance-not to mention people we actually knew. God, it had been as uncomfortable as one of those Brittney Spears fishnet dances.

Dan shrugged. I could tell my comment hadn't affected him strongly; basketball had never been his thing. Then I remembered something that would sting.

"You hopin' that this relationship is gonna last longer than the one with your ex-dream girl in San Fran?" I asked him with a vindictive grin. I was referring to this one girl that he had first gotten to know online a couple months ago, who had talked to him on Myspace and sent him sexy pictures and crap. I, the loyal friend that I was, had been the one checking him from going down to LA, always reminding him that his "dream girl" could very well be some fifty year-old man who was trying to get Dan in his pants. Unsurprisingly, I had been right. Well, maybe not about the accuracy of the actual person behind the screenname but eventually the person had blown off Dan and never talked to him again.

I was pleased by Dan's reaction to my question. His slanted eyes narrowed and he swept his long greasy hair away from his forehead with a shake of his head.

"Dude, Alex, shut up. It's not like that…" he growled as he hopped off his skateboard. I looked at his skateboard and realized there were so many things I could use to make fun of him and insult him. He could barely skateboard adequately after months of practice and he routinely fell off a half dozen times each day. His tight black jeans and dark shirts were poor efforts in his attempt to look more gothic. Also, he was Asian. Now, I had a few Asian friends myself but that didn't keep me from having dozens of Asian slurs near the top of my mind at all times. Right next to Mexican insults and so on. I wasn't really racist but that didn't keep me from being a fountain of racial disses. You never knew when they could come in handy.

But suddenly I was tired of all this and I just felt like going home. Dan was ugly, with zits filling up his whole face, stupid, and physically mediocre, but he was the one with the girlfriend, and I was the one who had naively listened to him as he prattled on about his new girl and the dances they had shared and shit like that. It wasn't his fault that I was still single. I decided to leave him alone.

"Dude, I was just joking," I said, waving a hand at him to calm down. "Bad joke, yeah, I know. Hope you get along well with Chloe, okay? See you, man." And without waiting around for his response, I decided to head home. It was getting dark anyways, and I still had some homework to do for Monday.

My house was about a block away from the park so every day I could afford to shoot a few hoops in the park and then head home. Too bad almost no one was in the park. I didn't even particularly like Dan but I had more or less become his friend out of necessity, out of the desire to have someone to talk to outside of school in reaching distance from my house. Dan would never play b-ball with me, anyways, so all I got from him was company and conversation, most of which resolved around his fatass Mexican girlfriend who was quieter than a gay trying to hide his sexual orientation.

I was two houses away from my own house, 9500 Johnson Dr., when I saw the group of girls walking along the same narrow sidewalk that I was walking on. There were five of them, and I didn't recognize either of them. Judging some quick distances, I figured that I would reach my house just before they'd reach me.

I started unconsciously showing off, firing off some quick crossovers between my legs and a couple behind the backs to myself. I moderated myself, not wanting to overdo it and look like an idiot. It was when I was dribbling up the driveway to my house when one of them called up to me.

"Hey, how old are you?"

The girl who had asked was attractive, with slightly wavy blonde hair, a seductive smile and a confident stride. She was the one at the head of a group and she seemed like one of those popular chicks that always walked ahead of everyone else and did all the talking.

"Fourteen," I replied. To my dismay, my voice came out sounding all gravely and broken because I hadn't cleared my throat for a while, since I had last talked to Dan. I strode up the stairs to my door, acutely aware of her following my steps.

"We're fourteen, too," she said in one of those cute, inviting voices that sounded like the tone a whore would use when she's trying to get you on the ground. I wasn't sure what to say so I just supplied a raspy "all right" and watched them pass my house by in the fading twilight. I let myself in with the key under the door mat and was mentally disgusted with myself.

Wow…you're such a smooth talker. How are you ever gonna get a girl if you get so nervous talking to one for a couple seconds. Get a hold of yourself, you're in high school now…

I shook myself and took off my shoes, leaving them on the marble entrance to the house. My dad's Toyota hadn't been in the driveway so that meant I still had some free time on the web before he came home, when I would have to do my homework. I wasn't too worried about school since I'd had straight A's every semester since middle school. Yeah, I'd had some sticky moments along the way but right now my grades weren't too shabby. I had a couple of high B+'s that I felt confident I could raise, while the rest were entrenched in the A region.

"Hey," I greeted my mom as I jogged through the kitchen, grabbing a loaf of French bread as a snack. My mom barely raised here eyes from where she was preparing dinner but she managed to nod her head at me with a tired smile.

I looked at some quick sports scores and statistics and checked how my various fantasy sports teams were doing at the moment. Then I went on AIM and was pleased to find Steven on. I quickly clicked on him. I saw that his AIM avatar had been changed again, this time representing his favorite team, the Red Sox, again.

Ivecandygetinvan: Guess what?

Redsoxws07champs: what?

Ivecandygetinvan: just met a coupla sluts on my way back from the park

Redsoxws07champs: wtf

Ivecandygetinvan: yeah, they were like, how old r u? then theyre like oh were 14 too, so you can get in our pants (theres room for 2) since were the same age and nobodyll be charged 4 sexual abuse…

Ivecandygetinvan: well they didn't really say that but u could tell they meant that

Redsoxws07champs: lol

Redsoxws07champs: whatd u say?

Ivecandygetinvan: I said Id forgotten my condom

Ivecandygetinvan: I said it was still stuck up ur moms ass

Redsoxws07champs: omg, u perve

Redsoxws07champs: when in Rome, u got to do like the romans

Redsoxws07champs: or something like that

Ivecandygetinvan: wtf

Redsoxws07champs: I meant u shoulda adapted 2 the circumstances and done w/o ur "supplies"

Ivecandygetinvan: lol

Ivecandygetinvan: ill remember to do that next time

Ivecandygetinvan: o crap, my dad just came, g2g

Redsoxws07champs: k, see u at school 2morrow

Ivecandygetinvan: k, bye

I hastily logged off and quickly went to the homepage of my school as a cover for my actions on the web. I cleared all my history of links to Fox Sports and the like. I quickly unzipped my backpack and took out my half-finished math homework.

"Hey dad," I spoke in a cheerful voice as my dad walked in.

"Hey," my dad replied distractedly as he opened his briefcase and sat at the desk adjacent to me. "Finished your homework?"

"Nope, almost."

The rest of the hour passed away in passive silence as I finished my homework and my dad let me surf the web a little. However, Dan's words were still echoing in my mind.

"Seems like everybody has a girlfriend these days…"

"…getting their first kiss."

I shook my head angrily. Okay, he had been exaggerating like hell. There were plenty of people who didn't have a girlfriend and even more who hadn't gotten their first kiss. In fact, I would estimate that more of the freshman class were single than going out. Dan had just been bragging, rubbing it in my face, trying to make himself out to look superior over me.

And he had done an excellent job of it, I thought bitterly.

I dragged myself upstairs and looked myself in the mirror. I took off my shirt. Look at that, I thought optimistically, I doubt one in ten of the guys in your classes has abs as ripped as you or as developed biceps…

I smiled sourly. What did it matter; it wasn't like I walked around with my shirt off so people could look at my torso. Instead they looked at my face.

I had said Dan's face was stuffed with zits but now I sounded like a hypocrite because acne spread across my jaw lines and around my face like clouds reaching out and covering the moon. How can you get chicks when your face is a fucking zoo of pimple specimens?

Okay, I told myself, I'm overreacting. Yeah, I had an above-average acne case but I'd seen people with a lot worse. Okay, maybe not a lot worse, but categorically worse, yeah. Plus, this was normal, right? Almost every teenager had an acne breakout at one point right? Well, maybe not everyone had a case as bad as me, but still….

Damn, this wasn't working. I was just getting more and more depressed. I wish Dan was here. I shouldn't have let him get away with only one half-assed insult. Like Chloe was even hot. No date is better than a bad date, I consoled myself. If Dan was here I'd have made his stupid Asian eyes see stars…But he wasn't here, so I let my mind have a piece of him.

Fuck you Dan, fuck you…

A/N's: The updates will vary concerning school work but I will try not to have HUGE intervals between chapters. Also, just on an interesting note, I have the same AIM screen name "Ivecandygetinvan" as Alex, my main character. Also, this probably should not be a problem but I'm assuming everybody can read my AIM lingo, right? Yes, I'm making it as realistic as possible and those were deliberate omissions of grammar. I hope everybody knew that, but just in case you didn't…now you do.