you break me too often

to drown all of my dreams, to watch them as they shredded
to decapitate myself, and then lie there beheaded
to laugh away the pain, to let you make me rise
to do it all again, and then smother the cries
to know I'm not good enough, to watch me as I fall
to tear up over love, and then deny it all
to be sick of losing you, to hate every second
to watch the amusing two, and then break out the weapons
to forget what's past, to disarm myself today
to pretend I had a blast, and smile all the way
to wish it was the same, to know it wouldn't work
to tire of this game to just keep getting hurt
to see what's clearly there, and then to not believe
to convince myself you care, and then to watch you leave
to have you sit next to me, to know you're still too far
to have too much in between, and then to curse the stars
to wish on headless pennies, to know she still exceeds me
to have wishes too many, to do nothing for my bleeding
to conceal all of this, to pretend it means a lot to you
to ask you what you miss, and then to ask what stops you
to be on the verge of caving in, to wish it would come faster
to know that she is saving him, to scream FUCK YOU, YOU BASTARD!!!
to point the gun randomly, and then to pull the trigger
to have it fire back at me, to bleed, to die, it figures

Copyright 2000 by Susanne Estelle Hendrickson