In losing a sense of being overwhelmed by angst to the extent at which drastic measures seem not only plausible but paramount, it would appear that with it I have lost most means of expressing myself. I do not feel that I have ever been particularly interesting, and perhaps I never will be, however I at least used to feel that I could produce something interesting. I'm not sure how I could become interesting, and I certainly have no idea what I am perceived to be at this moment in time (let alone what I actually am), however I know that I strive for something greater. Not the absent-minded goals of which most humanity sets themselves, not to achieve, make an impact nor discover. I strive to make something of myself, not for others to observe, but for myself to be content with. A carefree nature as I would wish to possess is perhaps one which undermines any means of appearing fascinating (or perhaps it is in itself fascinating?) Through expressing myself as someone who aims to experience and enjoy, perhaps I lose a deeper aspect of the self which expresses true individuality. The sheer fact that I am trying to be someone suggests that once I did become what I aspire to, it would not be genuine.
What do I really want?
A question that I suppose I rarely ask myself. I know that for quite some time now the quality of life I desire does not involve riches and material goods. I recall as a child, when on holiday, possibly Fuerteventura, listening to my dad talk of how he respects the lifestyle individuals in poverty, who are content regardless. We observed a large family in an old run down vehicle singing and enjoying themselves. This led me to believe that happiness is not found through the property that we all value so much, but through living as we feel, and as we want. This founded my beliefs that as long as I have enough to live, not necessarily comfortably, but enjoyably, then there is no need for me to attain vast amounts of qualifications, get and academic job, work my ass off and earn a lot of money. Though I have the potential to do so I do not think I would enjoy this life. I am now at university and clearly seem to have lost my way. I decided to attend university mostly because, I suppose, of social expectations. You get good grades, you make something of yourself. Meanwhile I justify why I am here through stating that I want the experience of uni. Though this is true, it is an awful lot of money to waste on experience, especially when I often feel that I would be enjoying myself a lot more back home. Of course if I stick around I will have a degree under my belt should I ever decide I do want to make something more of myself. But then, surely, I am leading myself up a path to a place I resent.
I do not resent the rich, nor the middle class. I do however resent those with the attitude that money means superiority. What I hope to achieve is attaining a position where by when these people boast of the contents of their wallet, their home, their bright middle class children and their expensive cars, I can smile and think of how rich my life is in all other aspects. Perhaps I am on a journey of self discovery, and I do care who I really am. Perhaps I am more interesting than I give credit for. Perhaps this does not matter anyway. Perhaps a degree, especially in philosophy, would aid my discovery. Perhaps I would be happier going home, moving out, getting a crap job. Or perhaps I should up and leave, travel, see the world, see myself. I know that right now is not the time for me to do that. A confidence boost of any sort would probably inspire me to do so. However I do no see this happening anytime soon. I really am on a journey of self discovery, I don't only care about enjoying the moment, I would like to. This may be who I truly am, but I haven't tapped into it yet. Perhaps one day I will, perhaps I won't. But for now, all I can really conclude is that throughout this journey, I need to enjoy the ride. And I need to find a way of doing that.