Notes: Well, we haven't posted anything in ages, due to various things. Anyway, here's Keith's diary stuff, as written in the rewrite of New Horizons (Work In Progress). Enjoy!


"Keith," Toshiro asked tentatively.

"Yes," his lover replied, slightly distracted by the book he was reading.

"Well, you know how we met these friends of yours, the other day?"


"Well, how did you meet them?" Keith stopped reading, his eyes frozen in the same spot.

"I…well…," he stuttered.

"Keith?" Toshiro sounded concerned.

"I can't say it." Keith buried his head in his hands, the book dropping, forgotten, to the floor. Surprised, Toshiro moved over to him, making awkward gestures indicating he would like to hug Keith, but he was unsure about how to go about it. He knelt on the couch in indecision for a few moments, then held his boyfriend close to him as tightly as he could. Keith slowly relaxed into the embrace, still covering his face with his hands. Gently, Toshiro rocked them back and forwards, making soothing noises, as he had with Mei when she was young. Gradually, Keith relaxed more, until he was clinging to his partner, his body shaking, with fear or grief Toshiro didn't know. Finally, Keith had calmed down enough to let go slightly.

"I can't say it," he whispered. Then, abruptly, he got up from the sofa and walked out. Toshiro looked after him, confused. A short time later, Keith returned, holding a small notebook, with "Diary" scrawled on the front in Keith's handwriting. Without meeting his boyfriend's eyes, Keith thrust the book at Toshiro.

"I…here. It's my diary from when…I was younger. I…can't say it, but you can read it if you want." He blushed slightly. "I…I'm sorry I haven't told you this stuff before, but, well, I was scared. But you deserve to know." Silently, Toshiro took the notebook and nodded. Keith turned around and shuffled out of the room as Toshiro opened the book to read the first page.

Entry 1 – 31st January 2001

OK, for someone like me to start a diary it has to be something big. And it is. There is no easy way to write this but…shit. I'm gay. It first started a bit ago, when some of the guys dared me to buy this magazine. A porn mag full of guys, that is. Anyway, you can't refuse a dare (well, I can't, anyway) so I bought it. Yeah, that doesn't prove anything. But, I looked at it, at home that was. And…shit. It was hot. And after that, I kind of started checking out guys a bit. You know, just sneaking a look now and again when they don't notice. So, that was it. No looking back, I guess. I did try to argue that I was bi or something for a bit, but girls don't really do much for me. Never have, to tell the truth. God, I hope Dad never finds this. He'll kick me out, I know he will. No excuses, whatever. I've just got to hide this well, and hope he never sees it.

Toshiro blinked at the scrawled letters on the page. January 2001, that would mean Keith had been 15. Just a boy, like Toshiro would have been if he hadn't had to take care of Mei. Maybe he would have had the same kind of revelation, as it was he'd never really had time for anyone other than his sister, girl or boy. He'd left most of his friends behind as he went to work and they continued at school.

Entry 2 – 19th February 2001

I met this guy today. (Yeah, I know I meet a lot of guys, but this one was special. Trust me, he is.) Just saw him in the newsagents and struck up a conversation, you know. His name is Justin, and he's 18. He's really cute too, with reddish hair a bit longer than mine, and the prettiest blue eyes. Seriously. Anyway, we got talking, and he gave me his phone number! As soon as I'm alone, I'm going to call him. Maybe I can see him again! I hope so.

Toshiro was slightly confused at this. Who was this 'Justin'? The young Keith had written about him so enthusiastically, but the Keith he knew had never mentioned him. Although, thinking about it, 'Justin' could be Fox's name. That would make a little sense. He read on.

Entry 3 – 5th March 2001

It's official! Justin actually asked me to be his boyfriend! It's just like a dream come true! I can't really explain it, it's just such a happy feeling. Probably the happiest I've ever been, thinking about it. Just thinking about him makes me smile. I so hope this will last. Preferably, like, forever?

Forever. The word stuck in Toshiro's head. Where was this forever now, with this man Keith never spoke of at all? It didn't sound like Fox, from the way Keith wrote. What had happened between them? Why did Keith never speak of his first boyfriend, when he had obviously been so infatuated with him?

Entry 4 – 9th July 2001

Well, I knew my life was going too well. Guess what. Dad found out about Justin and stuff. He absolutely exploded. All this stuff about being a 'proper man' and shit like that. Just as I thought, he kicked me out. At least I'm not quite homeless. Justin let me stay with him! It would be like another dream come true, if it was under slightly different circumstances. But Justin's being really nice about the whole thing. He said his parents kicked him out too. I almost don't believe him. How could anyone kick him out? He's just so…cute. I just want to hold onto him forever.

Forever again. And Keith's parents kicked him out? Toshiro couldn't imagine anyone doing that to Keith, until he thought of his own father. Yes, his father would have excommunicated him for the same reason, if he hadn't already for looking after Mei. Toshiro considered himself excommunicated twice.

Entry 5 – 25th August 2001

Wow. Talk about a birthday present. Ever since I moved in with Justin, we've been sleeping in the same bed, but yesterday we actually /did/ something. It was amazing. I so want to do it again. A whole lot more. Like…now.

Toshiro smiled at the last bit. Horny teenager Keith, he could imagine that. He was still confused as to why Keith hadn't mentioned this man before. It seemed like he was a major figure in Keith's life, why had he disappeared so completely?

Entry 6 – 19th October 2001

Woah, it's been a long time since I wrote this. Not that much has changed, really. I got a job at the local mechanic's, a kind of apprenticeship thing. It's cool, although some of the guys seem kind of homophobic. Better not tell them, then. Anyway, recently, Justin's changed. He's just being generally rougher. He stopped taking me out and stuff a few weeks ago, which I never really noticed. I mean, he doesn't really need to take me places anyway. But yeah, now he's being more demanding and stuff. Sometimes he ties me up, which I'm not sure I like. Then there are other times when he's back to his old self, gentle and kind and caring. The Justin I fell in love with. I hope it's just a phase or something. He'll be back to normal soon.

Ah, something hinting at a problem. Still, it would have to be something pretty big for Keith not to even mention this man. Not even to him, when they had been together for quite a bit.

Entry 7 – 20th November 2001

OK, this 'bondage/control' thing is here to stay, apparently. Justin seems to be tying me up more often, even when I ask him not to. He even hurt me once or twice. In a way, that hurt more that just having a sore arse for a bit, because he hadn't listened to me asking him to stop. It made him go faster, if anything. I don't like this new Justin as much. I want my Justin back.

I want my Justin back. Toshiro choked back tears. Keith… Toshiro reached out to the page, as if he could comfort the younger boy through the pages he had written.

Entry 8 – 20th December 2001

I'm not sure I can take much more of this. Justin's got worse again. It's like I'm just some elaborate fucktoy rather than a boyfriend. He just hurts me more and more, over and over again. One day, he hurt me really badly, so badly he took me out for once. To make up for it, I suppose. I met some good guys he knows, back from when he was at school. Some little ginger guy called Fox, and his partner Bear. Bear is, huge. And hairy. And, well, bear-like. Surprisingly enough, he's a sub, too. Anyway, he saw my bruises (they are pretty hard to miss, but I guess you could ignore them if you really wanted), and he gave me this big talk about how I shouldn't let Justin hurt me too much. Like I can stop him. He gave me his address too, which I might end up visiting if this doesn't stop. It's only a few streets away. Just to get away from Justin that little bit longer. I don't like him so angry. I want my Justin back. Just that sweet, caring guy I met in the newsagents, not this sadistic 'Master'. I'd have left already if I didn't love him so much. If I'd already lost that fragile hope I cling to. Please come back, Justin. I need you back.

"Kii-chan," Toshiro muttered, brokenly. How could this man do such a thing to his Keith? At least Fox and Bear had been there for him, but still…Toshiro just wanted to go back and hold the younger Keith, to tell him it was alright and somebody cared, but he couldn't. He settled for the next best thing.

"Kii-chan? Keith?" he called through the door. He heard it open, and his boyfriend walked through, a worried look on his face. Toshiro's heart wrenched, and he got up to hold his partner close one again.

"I'm so sorry, so sorry," he murmured, just clutching at Keith's shirt, trying to meld himself into the other man. Keith held the smaller man as well, and the two of them just stood there, shaking with pent up emotion for what seemed like an age. Finally, Keith spoke.

"Did you read it all, to the end?" Toshiro shook his head.

"Not yet, I…I just…I couldn't stand the thought of you in so much pain. I needed to check you were safe now."

"I'm safe. You should read how it went on." Reluctantly letting go, Toshiro returned to the couch and picked up the diary again, turning to the next entry.

Entry 9 – 30th December 2001

Oh my God. It's over. It's really over. Justin's dead, I'm in hospital, it's all gone. I just can't believe it all. OK, process. Justin just kept getting worse and worse, and eventually, he broke my arm. With a big spanner. On purpose. That was it, I just couldn't take any more. I ran. I just ran. I headed the only place I thought of, to Fox and Bear's. Justin kept calling after me, but I kept running on. As I ran across the last road, I heard a crash, but it didn't register. I ran up the steps, to the front door, and some old lady answered. Well, that threw me a bit. Anyway, I told her I was after Fox and Bear, and she said she'd fetch them, and that they lived underneath her in the basement flat. It was then I realised that Justin had been chasing me, and he hadn't caught up yet when he should've. Then the crash registered. I ran back to the accident, but there was nothing I could do. I felt so helpless, just kneeling there as he bled away. He was unconscious, with a huge gash in his head. Just for that moment, I had my Justin back again, but he was dying. Fox and Bear turned up then, moving me away, and making sure I got in an ambulance too. That's how I ended up here. Arm in a cast, a few stitches where I cut my legs on some glass kneeling down. I've got an icepack on my black eye, too. Quite the dramatic end, eh? More drama in my life recently than any of those crappy soaps people are so addicted to.

In a way I'm glad it's over. He can't hurt me anymore, I can get on with my life. Then I think back to that kind man I met in the newsagents a lifetime ago. Who was he? Was he the real Justin, the man I loved, or just a fake? I guess I'll never know. I guess my life will just move on now. Bear said I could stay with him and Fox until I get a place of my own. I wonder how long that'll take. At least I'm safe. That's got to count for something.

And I got to spend Christmas in hospital. Lucky me.

Toshiro smiled slightly at the last comment, then looked up at Keith.

"Are you still sad he's gone?" Keith thought for a moment, then shook his head slowly.

"I…I try not to think about him anymore. I just want to move on. I can't let him hang over me forever." Toshiro nodded understandingly.

"You have me now. I won't hurt you."

"Yeah, yeah I do. Well, you can read the rest if you want, It's up to you."

"I think I will. You staying around, or going up to bed?"

"I… It's up to you. Do you want me around?" Toshiro sighed.

"It's really up to you. If you're tired, sleep. I'll be up soon enough. I'll be happy either way."

"I'll stay with you," Keith decided, sitting down on the couch next to his boyfriend. Gently, he wrapped his arms around the smaller man and pulled him close. Toshiro relaxed back into the embrace while turning the page for the next entry.

Entry 10 – 26th August 2002

I can't believe this. I moved out today. For the last 8 months I've been living with Fox and Bear, which luckily they don't mind. After Justin died, his flat went to his family, so I had nowhere else to go. Anyway, life has moved on. And, for my 17th birthday, Fox and Bear got me a flat! How cool is that? I'm already doing my apprenticeship at the mechanics (did I write about that? I might have. I forget sometimes), so I have enough money to support myself. Now I have a place of my own. It's a little empty at times, but I'm sure it'll fill up with stuff eventually. It's not too far from everything as well, but that's OK 'cos I'll be getting my bike licence soon. Even cooler. Life just keeps going up for me at the moment. I hope it sticks.

Toshiro smiled back at his partner, and Keith squeezed him slightly tighter in response. The Japanese man turned over the next page and continued reading.

Entry 11 – 25th August 2003

Woah, has it really been a year since I wrote this thing? I guess nothing really significant has happened, well, I got my licence, I'm getting an actual house (courtesy of Fox and Bear, they can be really generous sometimes). I've been to some counselling to keep them quiet, but it wasn't until I looked back over this diary today that it really sunk in. Two years ago to the day. I wonder if I'll ever forget, or get a new boyfriend or something. I don't know. I guess I'll just keep writing this once a year if nothing else. Just to mark the passage of time.

Entry 12 – 30th March 2004

There's a new guy at work. That might not seem like much, but it is for two main reasons: no-one ever joins work (I'm the new guy, and I've been working there about two years) and also he's so cute! He's just got here from Japan, so he doesn't speak very good English, but I'm learning Japanese to help him out. A bit, anyway. I got some books from the library, and I can say a little.

Anyway, I think I freaked him out a little when I just stood there gaping at him. But come on, who wouldn't? He's just so beautiful, with his darker hair and skin, and these chocolaty brown eyes you can just melt in. Although, I hear he's living at Katsuhiko's. That's not good. Word is that Kat deals, some kind of homemade shit. With anyone else I wouldn't worry, but Toshiro, that's his name, just looks so vulnerable I just want to wrap him up and keep him from all the bad stuff in the world. He has a little sister too, who's four. And I know he can take care of himself, and her, but it doesn't stop me worrying. I want to be his friend. I want to protect him. I just feel so drawn to him, there's just something about him. Anyway, he's probably straight. Not that that matters to me, I just want to protect him. For now, anyway.

Toshiro's eyes widened as he started reading the passage about himself, and Keith blushed. It seemed so weird to be reading what he'd written then, especially with the man he'd written about those years ago safely wrapped in his arms.

"Heh, thinking about it you did look at me a bit weirdly that first time," Toshiro mused.

"Well, you are hopelessly cute. I'd have been silly not to have fallen for you." Gently, Keith kissed his boyfriend's neck, and Toshiro leaned back into him.

"I…" Keith stuttered, then blurted out "I love you so much, Toshiro, you know that, right?"

"I… yes. Thank you," Toshiro's voice sounded choked, as if he was on the verge of tears. "I…I love you too, Keith. So much."

"You want to read the last bit? It's stuff you already know, nothing new."

"I'll just skim, if that's OK." Keith nodded. Toshiro skimmed his eyes through the last few entries, until he came to rest on a part of Entry 14, made on 18th September.

I still can't believe it, though. I have to keep a hold of him just to check it's real, he's actually there. He's sleeping at the moment. He's cute when he sleeps. There's just something about him that makes me want to hold onto him and protect him forever. God, I love him so much.

Mei's sleeping in the other room. I hope she's OK. I know what Katsuhiko said to Toshiro, but I don't know if he hurt Mei. I'll kill him if he has. She's just a sweet little girl. I just want to keep her safe from everything, forever. I wish I could. Both of them.

"He…hadn't. Not until later. He left Mei-chan alone." Toshiro answered the question from the diary. Keith nodded.

"It's all over now, anyway." He looked at the clock. "Time for bed, Shiro-kun." Toshiro yawned.

"Well, now you mention it, I am a little tired."

"So off we go." Gently, Keith helped his lover up, and the two of them went upstairs.

"Do you go and visit his grave?" Toshiro asked, lying back on the bed. Keith sighed.

"I…no. I went once, but not since. I just didn't want to think about it any more. I wanted to move on." Toshiro nodded and pulled his boyfriend down next to him.

"Kii-chan…it's OK. You're safe now. I'm here."

"I…thank you," Keith whispered, and drifted off to sleep.