This is how I deal with the way I feel.
This was inspired by a Five Times August song called "Sentimental Spell" and the dark blue sky staring down at me with a cool breeze that chills my bones in the most comforting way.
I received pink daises today.
It's strange, he tells me how much I amaze him, but yet I can't seem to feel the same. He caresses my cheek so softly and I hate it when I close my eyes.
Because when I do, I think of you and why we never did this.
But I hate it even more when I smile. He smiles back, but he doesn't know why I'm truly smiling. I smile because I always seem to remember things we used to do together.
Man, the stuff we pulled.
And when he places his lips against mine and runs a calloused hand through my brown hair; I want to cry.
Because I wonder how this can feel so wrong.
I met him a while ago. We had become friends fast and I noticed how he smiled around me. It was different than when he was with his other friends. So, I teased him a bit and I figured out he liked me. I took him in at that moment; gray eyes that can become piercing whenever he wants, straight, black hair that curls onto his ear lobes, and a dazzling smile. He's a little taller than me-I go to his shoulder-but, then again, who isn't? I figured he could be the thing to keep my mind off certain subjects while I have to stay at that damn school I hate oh-so much. When he finally asked me out, I said yes.
But now he's always around, like he should be. He always smiles, comforts me when I cry, and kisses me whenever I need one desperately. He reminds me a bit of myself in a way. He reminds me of how I looked at you when we were together.
Not together, but just near each other.
We fit like a perfect puzzle piece, but I find myself drifting back.
Is there any way to change the past? Anyway to make it break, shatter like mirror glass, because I don't want to see the reflection.
I've asked him this so many times. I've asked him on my roof, while we walk together, in my room, in his, and at the park.
No. He smiles. That's always his reply.
I always sigh whenever he says that. When I do, he brings my head against his chest and rubs the back of my head assuring me that everything will be okay.
He doesn't know about you.
How could I tell him about the person who finally got to me? How could I tell him about the person I really smile for when he kisses me? How could I break his heart like that? How could I tell him that I still think about you at times when all I should be thinking about is how beautiful his gray eyes look in the sunlight, or how wonderfully cute he is when he smiles?
How could I?
It's not fair that I get another chance at a new life, but my heart wants the old one. I feel like Axel. He wants Roxas so much, but he leaves Axel behind to search for truth. Axel wanted, needed, Roxas to stay, but he never said anything, and Roxas wouldn't stay anyway. Even if he had, Roxas figured that, without hearts, nothing they would ever do would ever mean anything. He was too cold, and so used to the idea of being emotionless, that he hid behind that and was too scared of what Axel had to offer. He used the fact that he was a Nobody to run away from something that made him feel everyday.
Axel chased Sora around everywhere, hoping to see Roxas again, and ended up dying for it. He tried to make Roxas remember him in Twilight Town so badly and betrayed the Organization by not killing Roxas.
And finally, when he was fading away, he caught a glimpse of Roxas behind Sora's eyes as Sora muttered, "Axel…"
And with that he was gone.
I don't want that to be our end. I want us to turn out like the Axel and Roxas do in Fan Fiction. I want us to be like every other happy ending.
Damn Regina for giving me those stupid Fan Fiction stories yesterday.
When we eat together, I steal glances at him. How can I still think of you when I'm with him? He's… He's everything. He helps me write, he takes pictures with me, makes hilarious videos with me and then laughs at them afterwards, and he even buys me freaking lilies.
Lilies are the short cut to my heart.
He even knows how to make me shiver. When he traces his rough thumb across my jaw line after giving me a long kiss my whole body shivers. The first time it happened I started to giggle uncontrollably. He laughed along with me and poked my forehead with his index finger.
"Are you going to laugh every time I do that?" He smirked.
God, and he plays guitar. How cool is that? He takes awesome pictures, comes up with the best plots, and points out unknown constellations when we stay out on my roof too long.
He's all of this and more, and I still find myself thinking about you instead.
I find myself thinking about the way you used to laugh and smile around me. How you cried in front of me the last time we spoke to each other. I find myself still feeling how you felt in my arms. How you wrapped your arms around my waist and placed your head against my chest. You seemed to fit so perfectly into me. I remember how I smirked at you when you looked at me with a scowl when I showed you your own Xanga entry.
I also remember how my heart shattered when you started to cry.
I could see it in your face that you were going to, but I stopped myself from tearing the paper from your hands. I wanted you to explain to me what it was that you wanted, what you felt for me, and what you wanted from me.
Did you want me to stay or go?
Did you want my hands intertwined with yours or just an arm around your shoulders?
Did you want me to spill all of my secrets or keep them to myself?
Did you want to feel whole again or had you suddenly changed your mind and realized you truly hated me?
What did you want from me?
I wiped your wet cheek and gave you a soft kiss on the cheek and almost smirked when I felt you press into it. I knew I could have claimed your lips and you wouldn't have done anything, but I didn't want to take advantage of your vulnerability. I held you close as you tried to stop crying and I could smell the scent of your shampoo wafting lazily across my nose. I tightened my hold on you when you couldn't stop. I shut my eyes tightly for a split second to stop my own tears from falling. Everyone stayed back as they watched the unbelievable scene before them. They couldn't believe what they were seeing.
You and I were finally back where we both belonged.
I knew right then that I would never fall this hard ever again. Not because I couldn't, but I would never let myself. It leaves you too soft and hurting. To have someone have so much control over you is just suicide. I knew you were going to be the special person who would always hold my entire heart and not just a piece of it.
I waved goodbye to you and sighed in the car. It was also then that I realized things could never be that way; only if we talked about everything that made us part.
But I couldn't do that. You would hate me.
It makes me want to cry just thinking about you hating me.
So, whenever I want to cry, I turn to him and give him a possessive kiss. He doesn't complain; he returns it happily.
But he doesn't know why I kiss him.
I try to tell myself that you shouldn't matter at all. I mean, you're pretty damn content. You're well looked after and you seem to be enjoying yourself. So, I let you go for the moment, and have a fun, sweet, and great time with him. I wrap my fingers between his and rest my head against his shoulder. He gives the top of my head a kiss sometimes and I giggle while on-lookers are saying how cute of a couple we are. We take silly pictures, random videos, and I forget who you are, what your name is, and what you look, and sound, like.
It's a great vacation for my heart.
But he says something, looks at me a certain way, or I see something that reminds me of you and the vacation ends. I wrap my arms around his neck and tell him how I feel, and he wraps his arms around my waist and whispers, "Let's go."
But he doesn't know why. He knows that someone is the cause of all this mood-changing and heart re-arranging, but he doesn't know who and why. He asked me once and I just buried my face in his chest and cried. I clutched onto the front of his jacket desperately and just cried.
I wanted to tell him everything that night. I wanted to just blurt it all out and finally have him understand. But my mouth could only voice sobs and cracked breaths. I could only clutch onto his shirt tighter and bury my head deeper. He didn't say anything while I cried; only soothing sounds that didn't sound like any kind of word. When I was done he wrapped his arms around my shoulders and held me there for a little longer. He released me and gave me a chaste kiss on my lips.
He never asked ever again.
Some days I wish he would. I wish he would inquire about you until it got so annoying I yelled everything out. But he never does.
When he's not around, and the space next to me on my roof is empty, I sigh and smile quietly to myself. I let the wind play with the edge of my shirt as it creeps up my upper body; sending chills throughout my entire being. I look at the blue sky and wonder;
Do you think about me too?