Remember eleven months ago when you were carefully planning your escape? You had all the details written down and you analysed all of it. You had plane tickets and suitcases and a digital camera to capture all of your adventures. It would have almost seemed as if you were leaving the country, leaving the world, leaving everything you had ever known. But you weren't going very far and the adventure had left as soon as you had arrived. A few weeks of fresh and the world was back to black and white in it's ordinariness. You didn't like that, did you?
Remember nine months ago when the snow began to thaw and the world uncovered itself especially for you? You had your camera and your new clothes and your rain boots and it was April and it was almost your birthday. The sun was specifically shining on you. You were a bit quiet, a bit dependent on your friends, and a bit unused to speaking up for yourself, but you were there, weren't you?
Fast forward to your birthday when you spent all of your time skipping school. You would come home early instead of going to your science class. You lived off of Coke and Opera Fudge and Pogos and Toaster Strudels. The grass was green, but the mall was so inviting. You wasted your time exploring the city you used to know because you thought it might bring a bit of him back. A bit of yourself and a bit of everything you used to know so well. Instead you spent all of your money on clothes you hardly wore and a lip ring that got infected a few months later.
It was June when you were finally called into the Principal's office. You didn't care, you didn't care, you didn't care. That other stranger was gone by then and it had been replaced by this new one. You didn't recognize the words slipping from your lips as you told the Principle you didn't care. You looked in the mirror and sometimes you forgot who you were looking at. It wasn't a big deal. You were passing science and math. Those other classes didn't matter to you because they weren't going to effect anything. You were affecting everyone around you.
And then it was July and August and you were on a plane again and you were leaving your adventure behind for good. Your digital camera had hundreds of useless pictures on it. Your suitcases were full of useless clothes. And you were filled with anger and resentment. You couldn't write because you couldn't come up with the words that floated around inside of you. Everything was a sad song on repeat and you were never one for sad songs.
September came and you were rushed off to a private school but it didn't last very long. You couldn't handle it so you left. Just like that. You tried all different kinds of schools, but none of them were good enough for you. You wouldn't have gone anyways. You were always good at faking sick.
October and November and December and January and then back to February and you were looking for adventure. The world was suspended and you were floating above yourself, unable to recognize the stranger who had taken over you. The Coke bottles and the Pringles cans that used to inhabit your room had disappeared along with the science classes and the snow. But you were still wondering exactly who you were and why you were there. Even worse, you began to doubt your significance.
Friday nights spent watching movies and waking up to the sound of birds chirping outside of your window. Your mother bought you pizza and clothes, but you didn't really notice. They were all bribes and you didn't care to acknowledge their presence. Instead, you just continued through life, chanting 'I do not care, I do not care, I do not care.'
But you did care and you still care, otherwise you wouldn't have written this.