"Ever seen a fly crash itself repeatedly into a transparent pane of glass, never quite getting the hint? Yeah."
"Dan de Balls."
"If you plan on being the school's next mascot…"
"No, just Monty."
"Why would you want that?"
"Well, you know, from monster. A pet name…kind of.
"Ahhh…in that case – I forbid!"
"Oh, hell no! Plus, I think it's already taken."
"For the love of all that's holy! Woman, why are you not helping me? My future is at stake, and you know graduation is coming soon! If we don't have it figured out by then, I'm as good as dead! Dead, I tell ya, dead!"
I raised an eyebrow at my best friend. He could be such a drama queen. Sighing heavily, I answered slowly, as if talking to a child.
"Damien, sweetheart, darling, honey. Firstly, there are exactly six months to graduation. Secondly, I can't help it if the names suck and I'm being honest about it. And thirdly, we're talking about your possible career in gay porno. Last week you wanted to be a vampire hunters. And hat was just because you thought leather pants looked hot on you, only to give up because you finally figured out they were out of fashion. Let's not even star with the fact that vamps don't exist" he opened his mouth to argue, but I was faster. "The week before that, you planed on running away with the circus with me tagging alone to be your p.r….
"And I would've succeeded, if the fat lady wasn't eyeballing me" he sniffed hautingly.
"The point is, that by the end of the week you'll want to do something else. Plus I certainly don't see why you think your life will end if you're not a porn star."
"Hey! Think of all the ass I'm gonna miss out on! It won't even be free – they will be paying me to hook up with hot dudes!" And with that, my friends, he totally made it clear than gay or no gay, all guys are the same.
"Look, if you want to get laid so desperately, we'll go to one of your favorite bars, we'll pick some poor soul and we'll put that undertaker… I meanunbelievable charm of yours in use." I looked around the busting café. "Now can we please pretend we never had this talk? I have a job to do, y'know."
I could see the battle in his eyes. Who could blame him, his two favorite things were: irrating me to no end by yapping endlessly, and going to gay bars. Alas, faith was on my side – I was the only one who had the guts to go with him. Believe me you, too, would be hiding in a corner, trying not to be seen with him when he starts dancing on tables. Of course, there was always the possibility of him throwing water and/or alcohol on complete strangers. Although he had a really good reason for it – he wanted to play 'Wet Shirt Contest". But who would've known homosexuals were so prissy about their clothes. Back to the point – right now I have a pouting best friend at my hands. Finally Damien relented.
"Fine." Ooh, that came out rather snappishly. "But if I don't get laid, you will be the one to blame for my ruined future!"
Do not roll eyes. I repeat, do n…Dammit!
Damien arched an eyebrow at me. Before I knew what happened, his mouth opened. Uh-oh, that was never a good thing.
"Listen, lady. I don't care how much you are offering! I'm not in bondage and I will not sleep with you!" He had to yell it as loud as hell, but I'm sure he didn't want for people in Alabama to feel left out.
With those final words he swashed to the door. The hard slam of the door announced his depart and the café buzzed back to life. Thankfully all pairs of eyes that had found their way on me, left as quickly as they came.
A slow grin spread on my face. Hey, the joke was good. We played scenes like that every time at the mall, so I quickly learned how to overcome the embarrassment and enjoy the shocked faces of the public. Too bad I just caught the burning glare of my boss. I was definitely in for a lecturing later.
I scolded and started wiping the counter with vigor. You know my brothers were right – Damien was bad news. Hmph, I really should've listened to them in 1st grade. Well nothing could be done about it now. I love him to bits and pieces… ewww, I really don't want to know where his bits were. Bad, disgusting, disturbing thoughts! Now if I could just clean that stain… Why the fuck is it still here? A snickering brought me out of my thoughts.
"You do realize that's the shadow of the napkin holder, right?"
I slowly turned my head to the left. Had I not been so shocked, I probably would've blushed. There in all his tattooed glory, stood Spencer Hennessy. To complete my mortification, I realized his dark figure was there during the whole talk with my oh-so-wonderful-soon-to-be-dead friend.
Screaming bloody murder, I hid my head in Damien's shoulder. So sick, man, so sick. I mean, I know they had to kill it, but did they have to tear the whole head off? Repulsing. Well, at least there was no blood. I definitely don't mesh well with bloody scenes – there was this one time I vomited on my oldest brother while watching a horror movie. He still sits far, far away from me during movie nights.
Above me, I heard Damien sighing in annoyance. For some reason, he was very petty tonight. Before I could stop him, he reached for the remote control.
"Hey! I was watching that!"
That's it pull thebambi-eyes trick. Uh-huh, now water them up and bit and pout. Yep, just like that.
No one can resist moi when I pout.
No, actually they can't resistme. I'm the one doing the whole work. You just stare there with that cow look of yours.
Oh, not you again…Hey! It's my face they're looking at, so HA!... and I do not have a 'cow look'!
My dear dimwit, I hope you are aware that we are the same person. And you do have that look.
I do not!
Sure, whatever you say.
Don't use sarcasm on me! I don't have that look!
If it helps you sleep at night…
Just when I was bout to snap at…myself?... Damien sighed again dramatically.
"Yes, the whole…5 seconds when you decided to finally look up."
"IT'S A SCARY MOVIE!"
"Oh, for Pete's sake, it's Scooby-Doo On Zombie Island!"
"See! Zombies equal bad!"
"It's a fucking cartoon for kids!"
Huffing, I crossed my arms and turned my body away from his, facing the opposite wall with determination. So what if I liked cartoons? And Scooby-Doowas a damn scary show.
"Okay, okay I'm sorry. Now can you please tell me what did dear ole Spencer do?"
Now, usually I don't relent so easily even if I'm not really angry, but I need to venture my anger on someone, and Damien was perfect.
"Well it all started when he opened that big mouth of his…
…"You do realize that's the shadow of the napkin holder, right?"
I stood there open mouthed for a few seconds, then turned around to the next customer. I could be mature – I'll ignore him. Plus you know what they say: 'kill the stupid with silence'. Oh, only if he would curl up and die. And I'm not saying this because I don't like him. I think globally, and I've decided, long ago, that his death is going to do only good to the world. Too bad the solutions I had to offer were illegal in all 50 states.
Much to my annoyance, he started asking stupid questions, but my resolve lasted the whole 7 minutes and 36 seconds. Wow, that's a new record for me.
"So, you work here?"
"Nooo, I wear the apron cause I'm cool like that." Idiot! You just had to open your gob…wait…something was missing…oh, yeah there it is. The stupid taunting smile, he always wore. It's frustrating, really: it's like he knows something that no one else does.
Well, he did get the higher score than you on the last bio quiz.
Honey, hate to break it up to you, but he had 20 more points than anyone else in class. How cold he cheat? Face it, he just knows more than you.
…That's because he likes cutting animals! Did you see that homicidal fire in his eyes while he dissected the frog!And the quiz was on the animal's anatomy so, there you have it – he's a freak that gets off but touching dead animals, and that's why he got top score! Ha! In your face!
That was disturbing even for you.
"Knew you'd come around, princess." Princess, me, really? Ohmegosh! I'm totally swooning right now. Pfft, as if. Can that guy be more unoriginal?
Apparently, he could. For the next twenty minutes I had to listen to his supposedly smart assed observation on everything I did. I finally snapped when he leaned over the counter and took my cell phone. From my jean pocket none the less!
"Listen, freak show. Give it back or I'll snap your dick off."
"Always knew you wanted to get your hands on me. But hush now, kitten. I've told you it's not proper in public." Is that a cheerful note I hear? Oh, I'll make sure he dies gaging in his own juices.
So, as you can see, I could not be held responsible for what happened afterwards. Let's just say it was one of these moments when my sanity called in sick again.
I was so there! I just couldn't stop your barbaric ways.
Who exactly told you you were sane? 'Cause between the two of us…
You're the one to talk! You're arguing with a voice inside your head!
Oh, piss off already.
As I was saying: it was not my fault. So, I may have screamed at him, thrown things at him and I may have done some rude hand gestures, but I did not deserve to get fired because of him. Well, I didn't exactly get fired, but I'm put on testing and I'll get only half of my paychecks for 3 months. Not cool.
I walked out of the café fuming, only to find the idiot leaning against his ca- cough piece of junk cough-r. He tried to say something, but I have to tell you something about myself. I think spits speak better than words. As you would have probably guessed, I spit in his face and stormed to my car without looking back…
…Why are you laughing? It's not even funny."
"You were really wiping the shadow?" Damien was laughing his ass off so hard, he fell from the couch. Hmm, interesting angle. I titled my head to the side, yoga really pays off.
"And…then you…spat in his…in his…his face." I'm amazed I could make out the words that occasionally slipped between his giggles.
Trust him not to notice in how much trouble I got in. After he calmed down, it was time to prepare for our night out. Oh the joy. One and a half hour of prееnig later ( in reality hewas preening himself, and I was laying on my bed picking at my nose) we pulled on or jackets, ready to go. Rubbing his hands together, Damien looked me strangely and cackled like an evil scientist.
"Let's go, Lolly. I'm feeling hornier than a Viking's helmet."
I tried to stop drinking last night. I really did. But facing humiliation is far more pleasant when you're drunk. Oh well. At least Damien hooked up with some cute boy. That poor little thing, I hope he never got to experience the…toys my dear friend bought last time at the 'adult store'. I still have nightmares just from the sight of them.
You'd think people have at least teensy-weensy bit of common sense, but as I watched everyone fawn over Spencer, I decided that they were all insane. C'mon! Some idiot learned how to brush his hair forward, went to the gym a few times, and now he's the schools god? Pathetic, really.
"At least he doesn't point at people, and then scream while running away. Oh, and let's not forget you hid under the teacher's desk and refused to get out for 15 minutes." Snapped Hannah.
"You have a dead animal around your neck!"
"It's a STUFFED bunny!"
"With RED eyes! It's creepy! You're creepy!" hah, that'll teach her.
Hannah, as much as I love her is a very strange person. Come to think about it, all my friends are crazy. I am the only one sane. They shall appoint me as their leader, and I'll take over the world, make everyone my little minions, and force every one to work in gummy bear factories so I can eat gummy bears for the rest of my life! Mwahahahaha!
Ahem… back to Hannah. Like I said, she is a strange person. Not only is she dating my brother, but they've been going out for six months. Even mom can't stand him that long. Another strange thing is that she is obsessed with animals. Not in the tree…well, animal hugging way, but way worse. She once yelled at me for 5 minutes, because I killed some nasty bug. Apparently, it was some rare kind that lived only in our area. Humph, crazy ass bug lady.
Before we could continue our conversation, Damien came in to view. I squirted my eyes and tilted my head to the side. Was he…? Yup, he was bouncing. And grinning. And humming. And…well, you get the picture.
He finally reached us, and started squealing like a pig.
"Girls, you'll never guess what!"
Hmmm, I'm pretty sure I can. There's only one thing that can get him that hyper. Besides nachos, that is.
"Lemme guess" drawled Hannah. "You got laid?" BINGO, BABY!
"Uh, yes but that's not it. I'm in love!"
Dear God, not again. You see, the idiot I call my friend 'falls in love' every month. That's right, you heard me. And the worst part is that he won't shut up about his new 'soul mate' for at least a month. It's scary to see a grown up boy giggling like a mad woman every time he gets text message. But of course that is nothing compared to the break-ups. Let's not even go there.
Hannah and I rolled our eyes and turned around. Even chemistry is better that dealing with a love-struck gay.
"Hey, I'm serious!" Damien cried from behind us. "Why can't you ever take me seriously. You have absolutely no respect for me!"
I sighed and turned around with a blank face.
"Dude, I've seen you with pickles up your ears, running around and screaming 'I'm a sexy beast'."
"I was 8, you hear me? E-I-G-H-T!" after getting no response, he continued. "Fine! But I wont show you something really cool!"
Pft. Yeah, right. The last time I went for that, said boy pulled down his pants and yelled 'SUPRISE!'.
"Lanna! Stop poking my shirt!" Anna, a.k.a. Hannah, snapped at me.
"But I'm bored." I pouted.
Oooh, the glare she sent me was practically screaming 'burn, bitch, burn!'.
"You know, kitten, I can always rid you of your boredom." A husky voice whispered in my ear.
And that's the reason I hate biology. It's amazing with how many innuendos a teenage boy can come up with, while studying the humans/animals anatomy. I swear even a liver can turn him on.
I snorted and turned away. Too bad he was sitting right behind me.
"I think I made it crystal clear in 8th grade – there is no chance of me sleeping with you."
"Awe, c'mon, Tyler. You can get a lot by giving in to me…"
"Uh-huh, like syphilis." I cut in, but he decided to ignore me.
"Think of all the pent up sexual frustration between us" he continued.
"Now you're just joking. There's nothing between us except blinding hatred."
Thankfully the bell saved me and I quickly gathered my stuff. Not fast enough, though. A low whistle sounded behind me. And this is why I usually don't wear skirts.
"Nice legs, Tyler. When do they open?"
And they call him 'Sex God'? Ican come up with something better.
Do shut up, will ya?
Women – you can't live with them. End of sentence.
I mean yeah, they're cute and all, but nothing – I mean nothing – is worth what I have to deal with now. And of course it's all because of her. Everything bad starts with her. The first time we met, I broke my arm. Need I say more?
And why the hell does she insist on blaming me for everything? How is it my fault that we are locked in the janitor's closet?
What? Stop looking at me like that!
...Okay, okay. I admit I locked the door when she wasn't looking. So what? Is it wrong I want to spend some time with my girl.
And yes, I am quite aware she's not technically my girl. But just technically. In reality she is mine. Simple as that – everyone knows it. Well, except her, but that's another story.
Another thing I don't get is why she has to scowl every time I'm around. You have to see her smile when she's with her friends – it's breathtaking. Her whole face lights up and she looks like a little angel with her beautiful (always messed up) blond hair and twinkling sea-green eyes, and how her cheeks flush adorably, and how…err, you get my point. The thing is she has that permanent look on her face, like I stole her muffin…Yes, I did it once and let me tell you something – you do not want to face the wart of a hungry Tyler. She did look really cute then, tough. Like an angry little kitten. Hmm, my little kitten…
"What are you smirking at, you buffoon? Look what you did this time!" See? Lanna feels the same way bout me. What? She does! She's just hiding it.
Really well, might I add.
I tried pulling my 'aw-shucks' face on her, but the glare only intensified.
"Look, butt plug, you got us in here, you'll get us out. Now, put that pea-sized brain of yours and do something." In response I grinned at her.
"Now, kitten, be real. We both know I will do no such thing." Ohh, she arched her eyebrow. She usually does it when she's angry.
"And why is that?" she hissed out.
"'Cause it's so comfy in here." I purred, nuzzling her neck.
Did I mention we were pressed up against each other? No? Eh, I guess I forgot. But we are. Truth to be told, I could've moved – the space was not that small. But then there would be about a foot between us, and who am I to pass up the opportunity to cuddle with my little kitten. I need my daily dose of Lanna-lovin'. I told her so.
"C'mon, woman" I growled in her neck. "Gimme some love." Oh, yeah. And I might've just bit her neck. If I'm really lucky, I'll pass it off with her abnormally creative imagination.
And as life has it, faith just had to prove to me today was not my lucky day. I didn't expect roses and sunshine, but I never thought hitting someone with a biology book is a way to respond to a simple act of affection.
She's psycho, I tell ya'.
Still adorable, tough.
"Awe, admit it babe. You want me."
"No, I don't." She gritted out.
"Ah, but you do. I see the way your breath speeds up when I'm near you."
Maybe that's not always true, but as I took her earlobe between my teeth and bit lightly, she sounded like she'd ran 100 miles. As I continued whispering and raining kisses all over her neck – especially on that magical spot behind her right ear – she slowly brought her arms around my neck and moaned my name. Oh, yeah! I'm a sex machine!
Hoping she was distracted enough, I tentatively moved my lips across her face. Pulling back, I stared in to her now opened eyes. I know it sounds strange, but it seemed like a mist was swirling around in them, making their depths look more alive than ever.
Without thinking, I smashed my lips against hers. I suppose our first kiss should've been more gentle and slow. Meh, should've, would've, could've.
Not that she seemed to mind. It was like something snapped inside her, and she matched me step for step. My brain shut down the moment her leg hooked around my waist, making her rub against my…'problem'. She just had to wear a skirt today, didn't she?
I groaned against her mouth, and bit down on her lush bottom lip. She tried to say something, but I soothed the offended area with my tongue, and kissed her again.
Good God, how am I supposed to restrain myself when she's making all those sexy noises? On top of it all, she was rubbing herself against me like there was no tomorrow. Always knew my girl was a killer in the sac. I grabbed the back of her legs, picking her up and making both of her legs wrap around me. Involuntary my hips jerked up and she slammed against the door with a thud. In response her chest arched up against mine and she moaned louder then before.
Suddenly the door opened, and we fell on the floor. Not that I minded. I tried kissing her, but Lanna's arms kept pushing at my chest. I dropped my head on the crook of her neck and whined in desperation. After 4 years of chasing her, I finally got to kiss her, and now I have to stop?
"Mister Hennessey! Will you kindly remove yourself from Miss Tyler?" I looked up and met the eyes of Ms. Banning, our English teacher. I know she's jealous, 'cause we were getting some action, and probably still a virgin at fifty, but why did she have to ruin the moment. She can't hate me thatmuch…right?
"I would, but you know those girls – can't keep their hands off of me!" We're going to overlook the fact that I was still laying on Lanna, clinging to her hips like a drowning man.
I guess she didn't take my joke lightly, 'cause in the next instant I was flung away. Ow. Now my back really hurt. I turned my head to the side and saw my wildcat was already walking away. Damn, that skirt really did her good. I smiled and liked my lips, still tasting her sweet essence.
Without looking back, she lifted her hand and flipped me off. She disappeared around the corner, but not with out yelling at me.
"Wipe that smirk off your face, asshole!"
I stared at the same place for a few moments, but someone cleared their throat. I looked up and saw Ms. Banning was still there.
"And aren't you going to get up?" I looked at her with a blinding smile and tucked my hands behind my head.
My name is Spencer Hennessey, and I am addicted to Lanna Tyler.
Life couldn't get any better.