phoenix
1.21.08

-

barely two months, and sometimes i scream. i fall more often than i breathe. my heartbeat stutters, breaks, collapses – but there is more than this. to have no hope is to have no life – and i refuse to close my eyes again. the words that send me to my knees are deeper now. their mouths bleed acid every time i speak. i look into their eyes and ask without words – do you hate me or the One i love? is it my words that force you to vomit hate that sends me falling – or the Truth that burns behind them? if words could express the miracle of saving grace and love beyond description – that restored me from broken-bleeding to a life i never imagined could be real – that i could know the feeling of tears of passionate joy against my face with every breath that supplies more than oxygen – then i would give you poetry until there were no images left, but the meaning will never bleed dry. like the stars i couldn't see through the hospital window, there was life and meaning – love and grace – truth and beauty – redemption and mercy to break through the darkness and swallow the screaming flames whole with consuming fire. i have looked over the edge into hell, reached out and bled against death with gaping scars, spent nights trapped inside fear so real that even as i dreamed of burning, even the scream of wounds carved and splintering fell into the numbness that spread across my bleeding skin. but even as the scars will fade, my soul will still be healed and restored from ashes. november screamed until light broke through – barely two months, but i am alive. i cry more often than i hope. my failure bleeds through, becomes despair – but there is strength in this. to have no prayer is to have no faith – and i refuse to turn away again. even as i think i'm dying, i drift into peace and open my eyes to know that i'm alive. even after the desperate bleeding of my soul, i've found beauty in the pain. and even if i can't see the hope through cleansing rain i've finally come to believe is meant not to blind me, but to restore sight and life as grace washes away the last of what remains unhealed in weakness, i remember the stars scattered like reminders and affirmations against the velvet midnight that i cried out to my Savior even through bleeding – and He loved me back to life again and held me close to the beauty of the grace i inhaled as i watched the scars seal shut and the blood dried inside my heart restored. i've finally learned to believe even through darkness, to reach through the same Light that filled me so strong – so real – that stole away my breath even as His blood washed away the black rain that once fell down my face. and if words could describe the beauty of the grace that saved me – healed me – restored me in His love – then i would write to you of the love that still whispers through the dark. barely two months, and sometimes i remember. i bleed more often than i praise. i never would have believed that He would love me even as i screamed and choked on tears swallowed still with stains – that He could love me at all. but this is restoration, and truth has replaced fear to light the way for grace and mercy inside hope and healing. i am not the phoenix – He has woven me faith from the stars that i once thought i saw bleeding, through the blur of tears i didn't recognize as Love slowly breaking through to break me down. finally, i believe more often than i break. my soul will fall into infected s(k)in – but there is love in this. to have no trust is to have no hope – and i have finally learned to open my eyes to mercy restoring everything beautiful from inside the ashes. the scars peeled away and left glaring white hope behind as the chains fell away, and i felt the warmth of His embrace. my soul sings even now – sometimes i scream, but there is love. i will fall, but there is forgiveness. sometimes i cry, but He brings peace. i will fail, but He is strength. sometimes i remember, but there is grace now. i will bleed, but there is healing. i tear my eyes away from theirs, and lift them up to Heaven, where the stars shine through my soul at every midnight memory and every dawn brings a sense of peace to carry me in the arms of grace through every day that i pray for growth and strength in everything this will always be. the will to go on even when i fall, slipping on the ashes of time, holding on to hope with hands no longer slick with blood, and faith, that the life will remain even inside the final exhale, waiting and hoping for when, even as grace restored me from hell to life even through everything now confined that will cause me to fall, inside the warmth of this life found after three years of self-inflicted death, this grace will lead me Home.

-

a/n: i'm so sorry to all of you who might have been wondering where i've been. my profile is not working, and i've e-mailed fictionpress several times but they're not responding. if you wouldn't mind, i'd really appreciate it if anyone was able to e-mail them and include the link to my profile and ask them to fix the broken link, because it might have to do with my parental control settings that my e-mail isn't getting through, and it's a huge inconvenience not to have my profile. i've also been having trouble writing - everything is absolutely amazing in my life right now, but so much has happened and is happening at the moment that it's almost impossible to get it all down into words that make sense, but i'm getting there. i feel incredible, and so much is improving for me. there have been some breakdowns and a lot of drama, but through it all i've felt God's loving Presence beside me, guiding me through everything that's happened, and i've finally completely surrendered to His will and am no longer fighting against wherever He wants to lead me. through His incredible grace, i've found joy and peace and life even deeper than what i felt at the beginning - it's been exactly two months since i was saved through the amazing love of my Savior, and things are only getting better from here. i miss all of you so much. know that you are all in my thoughts and prayers always, and that i haven't forgotten you. i have plenty of inspiration and right now i'm just working on writing about it, but i promise that you will see a lot of writing from me in the near future. i love you all from the bottom of my heart, and know that you are free to contact me any time if you need anything at all. i'm always here, and i will always care. God bless you all.

in the peace and love of Christ,
alison xx