Random Muses From A Deranged Mind: A-Z

A – Anteaters

I don't actually know a lot about these. They're mammals, I think, and I'm guessing they eat ants. Unless, of course, they're one of those misnomers, in which case I don't like them. Giving yourself a lie for a name just to confuse us is just plain mean.

The reason I'm writing on something I know fuck all about is because I was sadly lacking inspiration on how to start this (Give me some credit - I had a rough idea what I was going to do. 'R' was planned. Wait for it - it'll be controversial! When I say controversial, I mean on something marginally more topical than anteaters. Speaking of which, I seem to have wandered away from said topic slightly. Oh well). So, as you do, I went for a potter through a Random Word Generator. Those Random Word Generators are funny, because you'd think they're about as useful as an airbag on a tortoise (like that big online button that you press and nothing happens! Ten minutes I spent pressing that damn thing, before I finally read it and realised its sole purpose in life is to do fuck all! That thing has ten minutes of my life, and I want it back!) but when you want to do something such as write a small book of twenty-six muses, one for each letter of the alphabet, which, by remarkable coinky-dink, I do, they're bloody useful, I can tell you!

So anyway, back to anteaters. I googled them and they seem to have long funny noses for sticking into anthills (do they exist, or am I thinking of molehills?) and eating all the poor little ants. Saying that, I got bitten by an ant once, and it was itchy as hell, so now that I think about it, good on the anteater! Let it eat the fuckers! And if an ant happens to bite said anteater (though I doubt it. I'm sure they have some kind of anti-ant-bite defence thing going on. If not, they're very stupid, because their sole purpose, incuding their non-misnomer nae, is to eat ants, so to get bitten every time they go to eat would be neither economical nor practical) then I'm coming after the little eight-legged bugger with some insect spray and a blowtorch!

Do ants have eight legs? I'll have to check. Perhaps I'll google them. I can't really be bothered to catch one and check. Anyway, knowing me, I'd pick up a deformed one, and get the world's only fifteen-legged ant. Either that or I'll be really stupid and accidentally pick up a millipede instead. God, I hate millipedes. Creepy little bastards. Do you get millipede-eaters? I hope so.

Also, I hear anteaters are brown.