Jesus Tried To Take My Girl Away

(No, literally, he tried to carry her off)

For Nate K.

Dana was freshly twenty-one and loving every minute of it. As we stepped into the bar, one of our favorite places to grab a quick bite to eat before our typical late night movies, she was wide-eyed with excitement. I pulled her along and we moved over to the counter at the bar. She got comfortable, making herself familiar with the squeaking bar stool as I ordered the first round of drinks.

We made small talk about weather and baseball and the hideous orange color of the barista's hair, and just as our drinks were served, a man took a seat at the stool next to Dana. I wanted to laugh as I watched the man order a whiskey on the rocks. I laughed because he looked like Jesus.

I pointed this out to Dana, and she smiled wildly, her drink in hand, before asking the man for a picture. He agreed, and I snapped a quick picture on Dana's camera phone.

"You know, people say I look like Jesus. But they don't realize…I am Jesus."

Dana was having a fine time with this and she played along with the man for nearly forty minutes until both of them were nicely drunk.

"We better learn to love ourselves, you know?" Jesus slurred after downing his sixth drink of the night.

Dana giggled and put her hand on m arm as she leaned over and put her lips to my ear.

"Hear that? Jesus is talkin' 'bout…masturbation!"

She erupted in a fit of laughter, and Jesus gave her an incoherent smile.

I watched as intense flirting ensued. Dana really believed that she was talking to Jesus. And as their mutual flattery continued, I slowly realized that she wasn't so attractive when she was wasted. She flipped her black hair over her shoulder, and when Jesus suddenly pulled her in for a kiss, she happily engaged him. My eyes wouldn't leave the devastating scene until one of his dirty hands grabbed at one of her breasts. I turned away then, just to hear her say, "Why don't we get going, baby?"

I whipped back around, ready to give the goddamn messiah a piece of my mind, but he was already picking Dana up from her stool, carrying her away with her panties exposed as her skirt pulled up. They traveled only a few drunken steps before they both spilled onto the floor. Dana was lying there with her feet in the air. She wasn't giggling anymore. Disgusted, I stood up and walked out of the bar, just as Jesus and his new playmate struggled to their feet.