I like this chapter. A lot. I hope you enjoy reading as much as I enjoyed writing.
Chapter 8 : Arizona-Esque Demolition (Ka-Boom)
My hearts at a low
I'm so much to manage
I think you should know that
I've been damaged
- Damaged, TLC
After a few more days, it began impossible to keep anything down between the midnight snack and breakfast hours, just as my clothes began to feel a little more snug around my waist line. I had tried to ignore it the best I could, because the reality was that a pregnancy, under the circumstances, was a terrible thing.
A baby is a gift, A baby is a gift, A baby is a gift, A gift from above…The old 'Rugrats' song rang through my head over and over as I tried to concentrate on the laws of physics that we were supposed to be memorizing for a future exam. I hadn't seen that episode in years, but that song…that song just wouldn't leave me alone.
All types of scenarios ran through my head, all at once. What if Ken denied the baby? Said it wasn't his? But, No, he would never do that. An abortion wouldn't be too far fetched would it? No. Of course not. That's what abortions were made for; quick fix solutions to stupid, stupid decisions. My mother had tried to abort me, with that stupid abortion pill. It didn't work. She bled for what felt like forever, but it hadn't worked.
Maybe if it had worked I wouldn't have been in the situation I'd found myself in.
The heaving came first, and then I saw a tear slop onto my review sheet, immediately distorting the ink and the equations that I was supposed to be focusing on. Then, there came two more…Then more, until they were flowing uncontrollably. I pushed away from the lab table, grabbed my bag and ignored the stares as I pushed my way out of the lab room doors.
"Keila! Keila, Take the pass!" The lab teacher yelled after me, but the last thing I was worried about was some damn pass. I needed to get the hell out of there, and quick, before I exploded and took someone's head with me.
Zooming through the mostly empty hallways, I heard my footsteps slap against the pretty asphalt, and I completely disregarded the inquisitions of the nosey security guards on my way out of the school doors. The fresh air hit me like a slap in the face, and my legs crumbled beneath me as the large school steps came into vision.
Marie was by my side in a matter of seconds, as was expected. It was that bff connection, I swear.
I felt her hand on my shuddering back and I flinched at the familiar touch. "How could I be so careless?" I whispered, hugging myself as the chilly air whipped around me.
"These things happen, Keila. Uncontrollable." Marie whispered, softly into my hair. "Does he know?"
I shook my head no, and Marie sighed. "When are you going to tell him, then?"
"I'm not going to tell him, not if I can help it."
There was a brief pause, and silence, except for my occasional sniffle and the sound s of the city. After a while, Marie stood up and tugged on my hands to follow her.
"Come on, then," She said, feigning cheerfulness, "If you're not going to tell him then come on, lets go."
I stood to follow her, and began taking the big stone steps by two's, just as she was doing. "Where are we going?"
"To the clinic. Abortions are only about three hundred dollars at the Planned Parenthood in my clinic, and they're clean."
I paused, realizing what she was saying. Marie stopped bounding down the steps to turn around and stare at me in surprise. "What's the matter? Isn't that what you want? I mean if you're not going to tell the man that he's a father, we might as well get this whole ordeal over and done with now so we can all go back to our normal lives."
I stared back at her, in silence.
"I thought so," she said. Marie snatched my Sidekick from the little pocket on the side of my H&M linen pants, flipped it open and entered the code, handing it to me. "Call him."
I felt myself tearing up again. I couldn't. I just couldn't do it to him, not now. "I can't."
"You can," Marie prodded. "You can, and you will."
I grabbed the phone, and typed his name into the little box. His number popped up instantly, and I put the earpiece to my face, shrinking away from the shrill ring.
"Yo," His voice poured through the little phone, and the strength of it ran through my body with a shudder. I was so scared.
"Baby," I said, softly.
"Yea, what's wrong?" He asked, automatically concerned. I could hear the deep voices of other males, and a few females in the back ground. He was probably hanging out with his friends in his dorm room after a lecture. I sucked. I sucked as a person for putting him through this.
"Are you busy?" I asked, voice barely audible.
"No, my classes are over for the day. What's wrong, sweetheart, you sound parched." He chuckled at his own joke, one that I couldn't find the humor in at that moment.
"Um, do you think you could come over? I-we need to talk."
There was a pause, and I heard the voices recede as he walked into another room and closed the door. "What do we need to talk about?"
"Just…come over. I can't do this over the phone."
"Are you breaking up with me?" He asked, his temper already rising. I hated when he got that way. Jumping to conclusions and pissing his own self off to the point where he wouldn't believe a word that came out of my mouth. I guess, over time, I'd given him reason to react that way. It became a defense mechanism against evry punch I threw at him.
"No, Ken. Baby, please, just come over. This isn't the time or place."
"No, I'd rather you just tell me now. Did you cheat? What? Tell me, I can take it. I've taken everything from you; I can take whatever the hell it is now."
I felt the tears build up again. I tried to blame it all on the pregnancy hormones, but it wasn't that. He'd never blown up at me like that. I knew he would get frustrated one day, but never like this. Not when I needed him to be his normal, coddling, understanding self more than ever.
I saw Marie flash a questioning glance at me, but I turned away, miserable whipping at my face for the thousandth time in less than an hour.
"Ken, please. Not now. Can you please just not be difficult right now?"
Ken laughed condescendingly, and I felt my heart drop. "You want me to not be difficult. I think it's about fucking time for you to get a dose of your own medicine for a change. I break my back to love you Keila, do you know that? I break my back and risk everything to be with you and this is all I get; Drama, heartache, and more drama. I'm to the point where I'm not sure of which one I prefer. The heartache or the damned drama."
"Forget it," I whispered into the phone, voice almost completely inaudible because I was at a lost for words.
"What?" He asked, sighing. He was exasperated, and through. I couldn't blame him. I would be too.
"If it's so hard for you to love me than forget it, Ken. Go live your life, sorry to have wasted your time."
And as I pressed the little red button on my little brown Sidekick Lx, I felt my whole world crash beneath my feet. I was the foreman in this demolition, and the little red button signaled the execution of the operation.
"Kei—" The call disconnected sound emerged from the earpiece of my blackberry curve and I mentally kicked myself. I'd gone too far.
That E&J vodka and the Devil's Spring may have gone to my head quicker than I thought it would, and just as smooth as that vodka went down my throat did every emotion I'd been holding back over the months come out of my mouth. It felt good. It felt damn good. But in the back of my mind, I knew that just as I would feel that hangover when I finally laid those bottles to rest in the wee hours of the morning, would I regret every single word I'd let violate my tongue.
And I didn't care.
I walked back out into the sitting room where the liquor and my friends were. Two kids I'd grown up with, and a couple other kids I'd known for a while through association, all politicians' children. And people wonder why we were all so screwed up. I took a look at all the commotion and walked right back into the room I'd just emerged from. I just wanted to lie down.
Jenny walked in, following my return into my dorm room. I glanced up at her and watched the way her pensive smile stretched across her face. My smile matched hers as I read her mind.
Jenny was an ex girlfriend I'd left behind after high school, and not surprisingly, we all wound up at the same university. It was a government idea, to have most of the top politician's children of the same generation together during school years. They say it was for our safety, but I think it was mainly for control purposes. Our parents all expected us to date within the circle, thus keeping politics within the family.
It never worked out that way.
"You looked stressed, Ken." Jenny's smooth voice painted my eardrum, her hands in my hair, and on instinct, I leaned over and kissed her neck
Jenny smiled at me, eyes glossy. "Hm, where's your girl?"
I rolled over to position myself above her, pecking her lips softly, and whispering lightly in her ear. "Mind your business; she's not worried about you."
Jen ran her hands down my back, encompassing my lips with hers in an embrace, and whispering back, "Maybe she should be though, hmm?"
I began unbuttoning her shirt; I would make it quick, nothing more. "Why is that?" I asked with another kiss of the neck.
She whimpered as I sucked on a familiar spot, and I couldn't help but smirk. "Be-because, I'm not going anywhere. You might love her but you still want me."
I kissed her again, with more passion, and I could taste the frustration and anger on my tongue. I bit her lip, grabbing at her pants and underwear for access. "Shut the fuck up, Jenny."
Jenny smirked up at me, "There's the aggressive Ken I know," before grabbing at my belt to do the honors.
I refused to call him. I refused.
I couldn't believe the situation I'd found myself in. I wasn't even sad anymore. Fuck feeling sorry for myself, I was just angry now. Angry, scared, frustrated. What the hell was I going to do with a baby?
My mother was going to murder me, literally. I didn't have a boyfriend, and the only source of income I had was parental.
What was I going to do with a baby?
I paced my room, back and forth, kicking at the plush carpet, sitting and rising. Restless.
And then the shrill notes of my ring tone blasted throughout my room, and I looked at my phone like it was a foreign instrument. It was Ken.
Answer? Or ignore?
I would answer. Of course, I would answer.
"Yea," I said, my voice low, still.
"Were you looking for him?" It was a female.
"What?" My voice boomed through the speaker in shock. I had found my voice because I was getting ready to do some real phone gangster action. "Who the hell—"
"If you were looking for him, he's right here, lying next to me, exhausted." A soft, extremely feminine voice chuckled softly.
I laughed, "Bitch, please. What, did you suck him off and rock him to sleep?" Yep, Phone gangster loveliness.
She laughed back, "Look, honey. I didn't call to argue with you. I called you to save you from the surprise. I'm a female too, and the only surprises we appreciate are the diamond ones."
I sighed, "So what surprise are you saving me from, honey?"
"He's with me right now for a reason, you know?"
There was a pause, as I gathered my wits.
"Look, girl, whoever you are. He's not mine; we're not together, so as far as I'm concerned you can have him. Do what you please. Don't call me ever again." I hung up as viciously as I could, managing to hold my emotions until the end.
And then, I just broke down.
"You can't help who you love, you're not supposed to."
- Save the Last Dance