Rainbows in the Dark.
Geez. Another one-shot. What's wrong with me?
It's okay when there are other people around.
Because then we can mix in with their conversations and giggle at the random things the others say. We both grant eachother smiles and say, "Hey remember when…" And we always get laughs outta memories.
But, when we're alone, it's completely different.
The silence that stretches between us is almost nerve racking.
We both become aware of it. That silence is there, always trying, trying to voice out our unspoken words. Our unspoken problems. You don't ask, and frankly, sometimes I'm glad of it.
Most of the time, though, I want to beat you with a stick just to get the words outta your mouth.
But, whenever we talk about it--our problems--it always turns into a 'I know you love me' or a 'Well, what do you want from me then?' conversation.
I hate those conversations because they make me feel like a whiny, needy, little kid. They make me feel like I'm clinging desperately onto your arm; afraid of letting go.
There are times when my calculating brain accidentally ignores you. Because, when it comes to you, I'm always thinking. I'm just like that damn manga character when it comes to you. I put on a fake smile to make you think I'm paying attention, but in reality, I keep analyzing and coming up with the solutions to all these different situations that would happen if I do this, or this, or if I don't do that.
So, when I realize you've just called my name for the thousandth time, it makes me want to smile and say, "Sorry dear, I was just thinking again."
But I don't.
Sometimes I crawl back inside my head to think some more, or I cast away my thoughts and turn to you.
That damn face.
I want to talk about it. Of course I do. I made a secret promise to myself the very first time I heard you say, "Everyone always leaves me in the end."
I made a vow to never leave you, and I'm doing good on that. But god dammit! If we don't try and fix this shit then we will leave eachother!
I predicted that all this would happen. I knew it would. I was just powerless to stop it.
But you know what?
There was also a happy ending to that scenario. One even you wouldn't understand. Of course, if I told you, you would just end up dismissing it like you do with everything that's important. At least when those 'important' things are about me...
At times, you're too apathetic.
You let out a sigh and I know it's a sign for me to come clean. To push you against the nearest wall and just to spill my heart out. I've been so close to you for so long that I know how your silly mind works. I know your body language so well I don't even have to see it. All I have to do is feel it.
Ha. I seem to always use that word.
We're opposites, it's true.
We're train wrecks, it's true.
We're dumbasses, that's true.
But we've had a great run and I wouldn't like to stop it now all because we're too shy to admit things to eachother and to open up to one another.
To trust eachother.
If you read this tonight, then good. Be ready for tomorrow.
Because, dammit Lydia, if I don't say these things to you soon and you actually hear them, then I wont be responsible for my actions.