A Simple Essay on Same-Sex Marriage

Note: This essay is a poor attempt at satire, but an attempt nonetheless. I do not mean anything I say here, and I am not God, and I do not own the Bible. Well, a copy of it. But I stole it from a church so I guess that nullifies its holy properties?

Hello, ladies and gentlemen, I am but a simple civilian, here to explain why same-sex marriage should not be allowed in the United States, despite the fact that a state has already legalized it. I will be going over many of the main arguments that my side uses and elaborating on them, so that you may further understand our cause. I shall refer to myself as a plural because I feel I am representing my side as a whole.

First of all, let's get something straight here. Homosexuals are not people, however much they may resemble people in every way except sexual orientation. Homosexuality is a disease that can be cured through camps and courses that may or may not but usually do include nonstop college-certified droning of a brainwashing nature that could be procured from any particularly devout minister, electric shock therapy with optional survival, and general lowering of self-esteem and destruction of all hopes of surviving in our society. Some may choose the less expensive way of dousing in holy water until the individual catches a cold and dies or is 'cured', even if only to dry off and maybe get away from that priest staring at their wet drenched body. And if these treatments sound a bit extreme to you, let me tell you that homosexuals want to be cured. I mean, why else would they have 'Gay Pride' festivals and parades, or socialize and live as any normal human being and be happy? Offering these, these things legal marriage is like offering people with cancer legal marriage! Prepostrous!

The main backbone of our argument is that God Himself, the Almighty has decreed that we should condemn homosexuality. Of course, he has also decreed that we should stone women who were raped in one area (say, a city, or the country) to death, but to allow women who were raped in another area to live, but we're going to ignore that. We're also going to ignore that if God were so against homosexuality, then why did he simply not make all people heterosexual? He is God, after all. But we shall not ponder that. Getting back to the point, God says no to gay people. And we shoud listen, because after all, Christianity is the legal religion of the United States of America. Why do you think this country was born? Because of religious freedom? What world do you live in?

And of course, imagine what would happen if our country did allow same-sex marriage (forgetting, again, that a state has already legalized it). Society would topple! The number of homosexuals would exponentially multiply, like bunnies! Married same-sex couples would raise more homosexual children (because men can conceive and women can do the same without sperm, of course, and because heterosexual couples only raise heterosexual children). They would corrupt our children, by rampaging naked through our schools and having sex in public areas like only homosexuals do, and we shall have to withdraw these very same precious children from the outside life and make them watch extremely graphic movies and television shows on television all day, if only to protect them!

And so, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you my argument in its flawless, leave-nothing-out, no-facts-fudged state. Please remember to vote against gay marriage, even if you love your gay son or daughter no matter what, because look at how Jeffrey Dahmer turned out! Forget that it was our prejudiced society that made him that way. And of course you can judge people by the actions of a few of their members! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go write an essay about how black people should be forced into slavery again, because a black man beat me up and stole my wallet today.