Vampire 101

Chapter 1: D.O.A – The beginning of the end.

Contrary to popular opinion, there is some truth behind the fiction of human's concerning vampires. Yes, indeed there is! No amount of fang flapping will diminish the fact that medically speaking, (human of course); vampires are officially classed as dead.

This is because we do not need oxygen to survive.

But read on before you throw this book down in a fit of disgust! For it has come to my knowledge, which is very in-depth and profound, that we are still living. See the credible sources below that reinforce this statement.

1.) "In at least some form, all organisms are capable of reacting to stimuli, reproduction, growth and maintenance as a stable whole."

(Wikipedia: Organism)

2.) Live (-lv) adj.

i. Having life; living: (A vampire's life is long and true.)

ii. In existence or operation; active: (Vampires keep their dreams alive.)

iii. Full of living or moving things; abounding: (The house was alive with vampires.)

iv. Full of activity or animation; lively: (The vamp's face was alive with happiness.)

Idiom: alive to, aware of; sensitive to: (Vampires are alive to man's hatred of them.)

(The Free /alive)

Point one clearly states that we, as are humans, are living organisms. We react to stimuli, such as touch, taste or smell. We also feel, whether it's the pain of a broken heart or the unabounding joy of achieving our dreams.

Point two also clearly represents that we contain many 'live' facets to our personality, ergo we are alive!

The contention over this matter has been discussed and dissected many times by a huge number of great vampire academics - so I don't feel that we need to delve into this matter any further. A more in depth discussion can be found in Archibald Levi's textbook titled Vampire: Dead or Alive?

But where do we come from? That is the real crux of the matter. If not from the stomach of Satan, then where?

It was a meteoroid which hit our Earth in 2300 BC that gave birth to our kind. Many advanced nations were hit hard, but none more so than Europe where half of the continent's population fled into the bowels of the earth.

A marvel of rapid evolution followed (very very rapid), and those that remained underground evolved into a new species of man.

These inhabitants learned to live in a world of darkness and suffocation. Their eyes adapted to the dark and their ability to sense each other's presence was heightened. Within this brave new world, the survival of the fittest ensued, where many died from starvation and lack of air.

Strangely though, the people who could get over the little hurdle of needing very little oxygen found that they simply did not need to breathe anymore. And food, which one could imagine was rather scarce, as over time the people found all of the nutrients that they could ever need in each other's blood.

Three hundred years later an earthquake ripped through the bowls of their underground fortress, destroying their home and bringing with it a chance for escape. It was then that the survivors rose from beneath the earth. The first vampires.

It was upon resurfacing that vampires sadly became aware of the fact that they were also deadly allergic to vitamin D. Unfortunately, many of them died as they looked up in wonder at the sun for the first time in three centuries.

I for one am very curious as to where the day dwellers received their vampire 'facts' from. Most of these so called 'facts' are completely erroneous, (but for legal reasons I must point out that not all of them are wrong). Needless to say, unimpressed vampires have made a point to steer clear of these humans, deeming them incompetent and untrustworthy.

Elizabeth put the journal back into her bag thinking that perhaps honesty wasn't always the best policy, no matter what her parents had taught her. She looked across the room where Samael was grabbing his jacket from the bedside chair and jabbing his arms into it.

"Where are you going?" she asked guilelessly.

"Where do you think? As far away as possible from you."

"But I haven't done anything wrong. I only asked a question. Just a simple question, that's all."

"That's all! You're nuts! You're one card short of a full deck! No wonder your family locked you away from the world."

"Hey! That's not fair. My family's problems have nothing to do with this matter."

"Nothing? If the Lumen Brothers find out that you're here, alone, with me they'll send an army to rip off my balls and throw them to the wolves."

Elizabeth bit on her bottom lip and frowned, "I can't help it if you have a hang up about my brothers." But before he could retaliate Elizabeth conceded and held up her hands. "Okay, so there are five of them. But they're not as bad as all that, you should meet Richard, he's my favourite brot…"

"No," Samael punctuated and flipped his collar up.

"Not every family is without their problems. The Lumen dynasty is…old, very old. I can't help it if the very mention of the word drives fear into the hearts of the bravest of men."

Samael took a deep breath and stepped backwards. "You are melodramatic and annoying," he accused. "You also live in a fantasy world where you think you're at the centre of some highly tragic tale set on a heath."

Elizabeth looked at the angel in dismay. Never had she imagined that her man, her appointed hero would leave her stranded at the first hurdle. She had planned for every eventuality, bar this - for him to leave her. So as she narrowed her silver eyes and scrunched up her nose Elizabeth arranged a new plan.

Samael didn't like the look on her face one bit.

"Can I call you Sam?"


"What about Darcy?"






"I guess that's a no then," Elizabeth sighed and brushed her bangs out her eyes. "Okay then, but can you call me Lady Grey?"

Samael stepped forward and threw a pillow at her which she deftly caught and placed behind her back.

"You'll think about it though wont you?" Elizabeth smiled sweetly.

"About Thornton?"

"No stupid. About Lady Grey."

"Who is Lady Grey?"

"She's who I would have been if I hadn't been born a vampire."

Samael closed his eyes and counted to ten, unconsciously taking a step back as he did so.

As Elizabeth opened her mouth to speak again he held a palm up.

"Now what was I saying before you so rudely interrupted me? Oh yes, that was it…somewhere along the line, perhaps two hundred years ago, you lost the capacity for normal thought and conversation."


Samael held his other palm up to join the other.

"You are rash," he stated as he took another step back.

Elizabeth made a noise out of the back of her mouth.

Another step took brought Samael up against the door.

"You are violent."

Elizabeth stuffed the end of one of her braids into her mouth to stop herself from screaming at him.

"You're a delusional fiery haired vampire princess…"

The braid dropped from her mouth. "Well you're certain proof that God has a sense of humour," she spat back at him. Then gasped and slapped a hand over her mouth as if she couldn't believe what she'd just said.

Samael buttoned up his jacket and stared quizzically at the vampire. Having had enough of the slanging match, he dug his hands into his pockets and cleared his throat.

"Look, do you want a lift home?"

Samael froze as he realised what he'd said. "Or perhaps the nearest bus stop. Lizzy?"

Elizabeth shook her head as though in the throes of despair. "No, no, no. this isn't right. You're not what I imagined at all, this is all wrong.

"No?" Even though Samael wanted to make a quick getaway he was slightly intrigued as to what the girl had thought of him.

Elizabeth sunk into the chair with a small smile playing along her lips. "More dashing…more pleasant. Old worldly and courteous, like the Count of Monte Cristo." She met his eyes and frowned, "you don't even have a European accent. I was expecting a bit of Eastern Europe, or Russian at least. Not American," Elizabeth said it like it was a dirty word.

"So my entire character is blemished by my not being a softly spoken sap?"

Elizabeth grinned, "that's better, much more Darcy like."

Samael groaned and rolled his eyes, then turned around and reached for the door handle.

"Stop," Elizabeth commanded.

And Samael did just that, surprised by the strong ring of command in her voice.

"Just answer me something," she asked, pulling the pillow from behind her back and onto her lap.

"Who are you really?" Elizabeth questioned as she absently pulled on a stray thread hanging from the pillow. "The voice, the accent, the...look just doesn't scream fallen angel to me. You look more like an adult reliving his misspent youth - the leather jacket, the motorbike…"

"How did you know I ride a motorbike?"

"How did you think we got here? You actually believed me when I said that I'd carried you? Yeah right!"

Samael stared at Elizabeth and nodded. The little hoodlum obviously wouldn't let him leave until he answered at least one of her questions honestly. But not for all the fires of hell would he even think of answering that other question.

"I acquired this body in 1999."

Elizabeth paused and looked up at him incredulously. "Ah," she said knowingly like an excited child and clapped her hands together. "Like Dr. Who!"

"Dr. Who?"

"Yes, Dr. Who."

"Dr. Who?"

It struck Elizabeth that perhaps the angel had no idea who the time travelling Lord was.

"Like the television programme! Every time his corporeal form expires he gets a new body."

Samael looked intrigued by her eleven word explanation. "Well, in a nutshell, yes."

"Which is why you don't talk like a nineteenth century Lord?"

"Oh darling, I'm much older than that," he smirked and pulled on the door handle.

An explosion rocketed through the rented room as the door swung wide, taking Samael off his feet and slamming him against the far window. The noise was deafening and Elizabeth held the pillow in front of her face to ward off the smoke, curling instinctively into a foetal position, but not before she'd grabbed her prized possession off the floor, her bag. A huge wash of energy whooshed throughout the room, making the hairs on Elizabeth's body stand on end. Then as she looked across to Samael's prone form lying helplessly in a heap on the floor she screamed. Blood ran over his face and his clothes were matted and torn.

The smoke laden air was pervaded with the stench of burnt flesh.

Three men dressed in black stormed single file into the room, armed with deadly looking daggers. The tallest of the three looked at Elizabeth cowering on the sofa and breathed a sigh of relief. "Lizzy, what the hell are you doing here? Mother and Father are going crazy. Hundreds of vampires are scouring the country for you!"

The sound of the explosion still rang in her ears and she couldn't understand a single word her eldest brother was saying.

"How did you find us" she mouthed, thinking he had lost his voice.

"What?" he mouthed back, thinking she had lost hers.

She pointed at Samael and then at herself, then mimicked a pair of wings opening behind her back and finally pointed at the bed.

As he watched her Lucas thrust a hand through his dark red hair and scowled. Then his silver eyes grew dark with fury as he caught a glimpse of Samael's lifeless body on the floor, then switched back to his sister whose face was blackened with soot.

"But first," he continued, "we must deal with the fallen one." He stalked towards Samael and raised his weapon.

Before the vampire could even blink Elizabeth threw herself in front of Samael. "No Lucas, leave him alone. He didn't do anything wrong. It was I who sought him out. He's innocent."

Lucas held a hand over his left ear. "For the love of God, stop shouting. Are you deaf? This man is anything but innocent; he has killed and maimed many innocent vampires in his time. Do not let his young form and easy manner trick you Lizzy. Samael is dangerous. Very dangerous. It would not be wise to involve him in any of your crazy missions."

"Crazy!" she screeched as her hearing started to return to normal. "I'm not crazy!"

Lucas signalled to the two men behind him to leave the room, and then bent down onto his haunches so that he was at eye level with his sister. Lucas patted her head in an awkward manner and lifted her chin to meet his gaze. "You should not have left the family quarters," he spoke softly. "You know how dangerous it is for a young female vampire, a pure born, to be wondering the streets by herself. It is far too dangerous, even accompanied by a chaperone it is dangerous."

"Why does everything have to be about danger with you Lucas? Hhmm?" Elizabeth said as she sat on her knees. "Its danger this and danger that, hushed whispers, secrets and bloody cloaks and daggers at dawn. You think I'm stupid for running away? Well don't forget that it was our parents who locked me in that dusty old smelly house for four hundred and fifty years! Most normal vampires would have gone mad long before now. Not once did you help me leave or even spend a day in my company," her eyes filled with tears as she jabbed him in the stomach with her index finger.

"You never let me talk to anyone who wasn't family," she jabbed him again.

"You also left me alone with a library full of books," she jabbed, "and a television!" the last jab was driven with even harder a force.

"Aye," he smiled and rubbed his stomach, "and look what that has done to your vocabulary. You talk like a commoner."

Samael stirred behind her and Elizabeth stroked the angel's black hair as she looked at her brother.

"Can't you just forget you saw us?" She pleaded.

"Do you love him?"

"What? Urgh! I mean, yes, he does have that Thornton like quality, but other than that, no. I definitively don't love him, he's too…"


"What do you mean by that?"

"Those men you always mutter about, they're not real Lizzy. They're made up. They don't exist."

"I hate you," Elizabeth said as she crossed her arms over her chest. "Leave me alone."

"No," he shook his head. "I owe it to the family to escort you back home."

"Well then. I guess I'll just have to say sorry."

"You're sorry?"

"Yes," she nodded. "I'm sorry for having to do this."

Elizabeth punched him hard in the face and picked Samael up, throwing him up into a fireman's lift and jumped out of the window. Luckily they were only two floors up and Elizabeth hit the ground running.

"What the…?" groaned a disorientated Samael as his head bounced back and forth against Elizabeth's lower back.

"Don't struggle you might have concussion," shouted Elizabeth. Then threw him onto the back of his motorbike, surprisingly yellow in colour, which she'd parked outside the hotel earlier that evening.

"Again?" She thought she heard him say as she dug into the pocket of her jeans to retrieve the keys.

A shout rang out behind her and she turned back to see her brother jump out of the same window.

Quickly Elizabeth started the ignition and they slammed forwards, almost tipping sideways into the street. She looked down and noticed that the bike stand was still open and kicked it back, managing to connect her foot with Samael's right shin.

"Humf," he muttered and slunk forwards into a dead faint.

"Elizabeth!" shouted her brother as he raced forwards, his companions steps behind him.

"Sorry!" she returned brightly and the vampire and the angel sped off into the approaching sunrise.

Damn, she thought, we'd better find another hideout soon otherwise I'll fry.

"Have you driven one of these before," Samael groaned against the back of her neck.

"Nope. You'd better hold on tight."

"Oh goody."