What is love?
A profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
At least that is how it is defined. Sure you can flip through books and novels reading about it. You can watch actors or everyday people expressing this love in many different ways. You can travel the world searching for love, but it is not an obtainable object. No love can not be taken or forced or found, it just happens when you least expect it.
Many have tried to understand it, explain it, dissect the very essence of it, but the only way to truly know what love is…is to fall in love.
Love is the strongest emotion in which every human is capable of feeling. The rush of your heart beat. The tender warmth in your face. Your nerves tingling from the anxiety of hoping, wishing, begging that one person you can't live without feels the exact same way. But what if that one person that stole your heart away, that made the whole purpose of your life meaningful, that lit the room when they walked in, was not suppose to love you? What if that love was frowned upon, forbidden, incapable of existing to others, but to you it was everything.
That is why I hate my life. The love I feel has been kept quiet within my heart, never told to anyone. The judging eyes of others is not what terrifies me, but the thought of rejection. If it was just some girl from school it would be so much easier, but it's not. This person isn't from school, or even a girl. This person I love with all my heart is another boy, an older boy. I'm in love with my brother.
The kitchen door slid open and a tall figure walked in, sitting at the table across from me. I looked up from the book in front of me at the dark haired man. "You're up late." He had that just woken up look in his face, his chin balancing in his hand. I studied his features as he stared blankly at the table.
My brother was two years older and had recently started university, after graduating from the same high school I still attended. He was the popular good looking one that did everything at school, from sports teams to student council, while I was the quiet cute little brother that was often compared to him. It never really bothered me, because I admired him. What got on my nerves was the constant 'you two look so much alike' line. Sure we had similar features such as the dark hair or nose, but he was so much different in my eyes and I was glad. Not because I didn't like how he looked, but because I didn't want to look like the person I was in love with.
I became aware of my feelings about the time he started high school. He seemed to change and his hugs began feeling so much warmer to me. I wasn't even sure at first, but before I entered his school there was no denying the fact I had fallen for my own brother. It scared me at first to feel this way, but as time went on he was the only one I had eyes for and I didn't care that we shared the same blood line.
He yawned, breathing out heavily. "I stayed up to work on a paper." He tapped a finger on the round table, now watching the clock above the door he left open. "Where are mom and dad?"
My eyes were now focused on the pencil marks I created on the paper in front of me. "They went out. Said they'll be back by six." I looked over at the clock which read shortly after one in the afternoon. The brightness of the sun coming through the window made it feel like a late spring day, until I peered through the glass at the glistening white across the front lawn. My mind was lost as I watched the sparkles stream across the fresh blanket, unaware of the eyes on me.
"You've always liked snow, haven't you?" I turned to the eyes watching me, a bright smile below them.
"It's so peaceful, like a dream." The pureness outside drew me back and my thoughts zoned out as I fantasized about a beautiful snow kingdom of shining crystals and white. A castle of ice over the land of snow and a prince decked out in sequined white and fur trim. He was confident and beautiful, glowing gloriously among the softly falling flakes that surrounded him. He seemed to look at me and reach out wanting me to take his hand and as I stepped forward…I was back in the small kitchen.
My brother had walked to the cupboard, cutting off my view. I looked up at this face, which had a second ago been that of the prince's. "You shouldn't daydream so much. It makes reality too dull." He banged some plates together, as a slice of bread heated in the toaster.
"Reality is dull." I turned back to my notes as he waited for his toast. "Daydreaming makes it bearable." To me the mind was a great treasure. It was the only place I knew everything I wanted would be mine and the one thing I wanted most of all seemed only obtainable in my fantasy world.
His chair squeaked against the ceramic flooring as he sat down across from me again, setting his plate down on the table. "What do you daydream about that makes you so happy?" There was a smile in his voice as he spoke.
I looked up to find his attention on me, my face growing warm as I remembered the prince. "N-noting special." I looked back down, trying to hide the blush.
"There must be something special about them." That smile was still there and I couldn't look at him. "I'll tell you what I dream about." He whispered and my eyes flicked up to see him leaning closer, grinning.
"Probably girls." My voice sounded moody, but I spoke before realizing my tone and hoped he thought nothing of it.
"Sometimes." I had returned to my homework but raised my head to see that grin still smugly on his face. "Last night…I had a dream about you."
He was so direct in saying it, I told myself he was just trying to torment me as if it was his brotherly duty, but the red in my face probably said otherwise. "Don't joke around." Most brothers would say that's gross or wrong in some way, but of course I thought differently, yet he most likely meant not what I hoped.
"But you're so cute." My shoulders curled forwards in an attempt to keep my nerves from taking over.
"Don't call me cute. I'm not a kid anymore." He was pulling at my heart strings even more and I hid my face afraid he would see it in my reddened expression.
"You've always been my cute little brother." That's right, we were brothers and though I loved him, he only saw me as the baby brother he grew up with and nothing more.
"Just stop calling me that." My voice shook as I tried to be serious, hating that he said those words but meant them innocently, while I wanted them to mean so much more.
"Then how about..." He hummed to himself thinking and my shoulders tensed up more. "My little angel." He beamed, forcing me to look at him shocked.
"You can't say that." I was harsh of tone, but he was upsetting me without realizing why. I felt made a fool of for my feelings unknowingly by my own brother. I looked away when his smile dropped.
"But to me, you are an angel." That smile in his voice was also gone, but I still felt teased and kept my gaze to the floor.
"Stop it!" He didn't respond and soon my guilt for yelling dropped heavily down upon me. I turned, keeping my eyes averted. "I'm sorry, I…"
My chin was suddenly forced up and I stared wide eyed at the face that cut off my breath. I gripped the hem of my sweater, not realizing how tight my fists were becoming. His lips were so soft like clouds of rose petals.
I was frozen as he pulled back, licking his top lip, watching my own with his deep perfect brown eyes. I stared at him in awe of his beauty and his kiss. This all felt like another daydream. "My cute little angel." He caressed my cheek with his finger, flicking his eyes to lock with mine.
"I love you." I swung my arms around his neck, pulling him forward and onto the tiny table that tipped. My arms were forced from him, his plate flinging the uneaten breakfast across the room, while my school book slid, crashing into the wall. I fell off my chair onto the floor, pulling myself to his head as he rolled onto his back. "Are you ok?"
My head loomed over his, worried he was hurt, but he burst out laughing, pulling away his hand that covered his eyes. He looked at me and smiled. "My angel is here to take care of me." My mouth fell open as he touched the sides of my face and pulled me down. His lips pressed to my forehead and I could feel the smile on my face float down into my heart.