Note: This very short script/skit deals with a man by the name of Joe who is, unfortunately, addicted to burgers, who, through the help of his best friend is introduced to some of the better things in life…like WOMEN. XD
Joseph ("Joe") Hamburg:
Patrick ("Pat") Ricardo:
Barbara ("Barb") Ricardo:
Waiter #2 (Vito):
Chapter 1—Joe has a Jones
(Joe is sleeping comfortably and suddenly wakes up with the urge to have a burger. He frantically gets up, rushing quickly to his fridge, but finds it empty.)
Joe: (devastated) No…No ! No, no, no, no, NO! Dear, GOD ! NO ! Why ! WHY ?!
(quickly races back to his room and dials a number on his cell phone, panting)
Barbara: (sleepily) Ricardo residence. (yawn, smacking lips) Who is this ?
Joe: (clearly upset) Barb, you gotta put Pat on the line. This is of extreme importance.
Barb: (unsympathetic) I don't see why you have to call us (yawns again) at 12 in the middle of the night, but fine. (short pause) I'll get him up.
(Barb awakens Pat and he groans, which Joe can't hear over his cell. Pat stretches and sleepily answers the phone)
Joe: (muttering) Come on, come on, come on !
Pat: What is it Joe ?
Joe: You don't understand, man ! I just GOTTA have a burger ! I'm craving it bad !
Pat: (slaps hand over eyes and sighs in frustration) Dude, you have made this very same call for the 5th time this week. It's getting old.
Joe: The burgers…they're calling for me man ! They want me to eat them ! Not eating them would be a cardinal sin. Do you wish for me to upset the Burger Gods ? It would be wrong, man ! So terribly wrong ! (hysterical laughter)
Pat: Calm down. Look, I know this sounds rather cruel of me but I have a plan to help you.
Joe: Yes ! Please tell me it involves the nearest Burger King ! (sings Food Glorious Food ebulliently)
Pat: (groans) No. It doesn't. It's actually something better. I'll tell you when I get there.
Joe: Please make it quick, Pat…Don't know how much longer I can last. (desperately) I need a burger ! I need it now ! (click) Hello ? Hello ? Pat ?! (pants and rushes around until he runs into a wall and knocks himself out)
Scene 2—Female Persuasion
(Pat arrives at Joe's house with his beautiful friend Sandra at his side, and the two yank him by the arms to his car)
Pat: This is an intervention !
Joe: Well no DUH ! I can see that ! Let me go ! Just leave me at the nearest McDonalds and I should be better in no time ! Please…I can't go on much longer, it's killing me !
Pat: We are going out to eat.
Joe: There IS a God ! Where ? Wendy's ? Hardee's ? Jack In the Box ? Culvers ? Dairy Queen ? Rally's ?
Sandra: (places her finger to his lips) No, Joe. (emphatically) No.
Joe: (like a little kid) Aw. Come on ! You guys are party poopers. (sings) Every party has a pooper and that's why they invited you…party pooper ! Party pooper !
Sandra: (maternally) Joe…Stop it.
Joe: (pouting) Oh, alright.
(Pat puts his foot on the gas and drives them all to a fancy restaurant, which sells nothing but seafood. There is no chance for Joe to order a burger. And even if he tries to trick one of the waiters, he won't be getting a burger any time soon.)
Scene 3—Lead Robster
(Our next scene opens at a parodied version of Red Lobster, which I call Lead Robster.
Joe: (muttering) Burger, burger, burger, burger, burger…
Sandra: Joe, could you please stop that. People are staring.
Joe: (twitch) Sorry, Sandy. I just…can't help it.
Sandra: (pats his arm) Could you try ? (bats eyelashes) For me ? Your oldest and closest friend ?
Joe: (feels a little chagrined) Of course I could Sandy. After all, no one makes my girl look bad. (huge, cheesy grin)
Pat: (thinking) Oh, that has got to be the cheesiest pick up I have ever heard.
Waiter: Have you been helped yet ?
Pat: No, Sir. We haven't.
Waiter: Follow me, please.
(The 3 of them follow the waiter to be seated and get drinks served to them quickly, they are given menus and Joe looks as if he wants to leave, but Sandra stops him)
Sandra: This is for your own good. Please trust me. Trust us.
Joe: (finally realizes there is no getting out) Fine. You win. I'll try the stinkin' fish, for heaven's sake.
Waitress: (sultry) How can I help you ?
Joe: (wriggles eyebrows) The question remains how can't you help me ?
(The waitress and Joe laugh heartily, and she snorts out loud)
Sandra: (Stamps Joe's foot)
Joe: (winces in pain)
Sandra: I'll have a Long Island Ice Tea, and keep 'em coming. I'll also have my steak, medium rare, with potato, and don't skimp on the fixings.
Waitress: Right. Of course. Can do, ma'am.
Sandra: (a bit upset) Ma'am ? Ma'am…Oh, now you've done it. Look little missy. I don't see what right you have trying to seduce my boyfriend, but you have no right to call me "Ma'am". I happen to be a very healthy 28 years old, and if you must know I have a very healthy sex life !
Waitress: (appalled) I call every woman ma'am though…(starts to get teary-eyed)
Manager: What seems to be the trouble ?
Waitress: Oh, nothing…I am sure I can handle it.
Pat: Yeah, she's just trying to (through gritted teeth to Sandra) take our orders, sweetheart.
(Manager walks off, clearly satisfied with Toni's work)
Sandra: What an idiot I've been… (slaps hand to forehead) I'm sorry (looks at her nametag) Toni. I overreacted.
Waitress: No offense taken. I get it all the time. Alright, now where were we. Ah, yes. You, Sir.
Joe: (seems to be dazed by Toni's beauty) Mmmm…
Waitress: SIR !
Joe: (snaps out of it) Oh, yes ! (nervous laugh) Forgive me, I was lost in thought.
Pat: (incoherent mutter) Disaster area…
Joe: I want to try the grilled Tilapia. I don't know what the heck that is, but it's grilled. Can't be all that bad now, can it ? That and a cherry Coke.
(Toni writes down her orders)
Pat: I'll take the Catch of the Bay, and Sam Adams.
Toni: Ok, that's all. I'll be back with more drinks and your rolls and your food should be ready in a bit. Your server will be Vito.
(Toni walks off)
Sandra: I can't believe you were making goo-goo eyes at HER !
Joe: I am a man, honey ! We lust with our eyes every 10 darned seconds. It's in our blood. It's instinct. Besides, I think you are the most beautiful thing in the world and God bless you for trying to get me off the burger habit. Granted, not one of those saturated gut bombs have stuck to my god-like physique, but still, my arteries will thank me for this. And it is all because of you.
Pat: (schmaltzy) Awww, I'm gettin' overklempt.
Joe: Can it, you schmuck. I'm workin' my mojo over here.
Scene 3—Love At First Bite
(After Vito has served their latest drinks, the food arrives quickly)
Vito: If you need anything else, just let me know and I'll be sure to get it for you.
(All 3 at different times): Sure, thanks ! Appreciate it, Vito.
(Joe takes his first bite of Tilapia and has an expression of utter delight and ecstasy)
Joe: Oh…my…GOD. This is incredible. No, no…Sensational ! (looks at Sandra and then Pat) Why didn't you intervene earlier ? Fish is excellent !
Pat: You were too busy to be reached.
Sandra: Probably stuffing your face with burgers.
Joe: (a bit embarrassed) You're right. I was. I was so lost, and so short-sighted.
Sandra: (kisses his cheek) That wasn't so bad now, was it ? It's like Dr. Phil says, "You can't change what you don't acknowledge".
Joe: Intelligent and beautiful. I hit the jackpot ! (kisses her cheek)
(Pat's cell phone rings)
Pat: Would you excuse me for a moment ?
Sandra: (happily) Of course, feel free. We don't mind.
Pat: (quietly) What is it, dear ?
Barb: How's the intervention going ?
Pat: (grinning) Unbelievably well. Sensationally, in fact.
Barb: Good. You can quietly excuse yourself and leave the two lovebirds be. I'm certain the rest will unfold nicely.
Pat: Sure, snuggle bunny. (clicks phone shut) The wife. You know, I think you two have everything in control here…I'll leave you two to enjoy the rest of the evening alone.
Sandra: Really ? You certain about that ?
Pat: (sees Sandra leaning over to smooch Joe full-on) Abso-posi-lutely-ootley, canoodle-oodle.
Barb: Don't tease me over the phone; you know it drives me nuts. (giggle)
Pat: Oh, I'll be home in due time, lovey-dovey. (seductive laugh, quickly leaves)
Oh this is the night,
And the heavens are right
In this lovely
Pay my Valet. Give him a HUGE tip, love ya. Let's do lunch. I'll buy burgers for all.