Dear roommate,

I just want you to know that I wish you were dead.

If you smoke, one more cigarette, over my bed, I'm going to lace them with mercury. I don't care that I'm a communications major; I will get my hands on mercury.

You killed our fish, you whore.

And for the love of god learn to do your own fucking laundry, you're 19 years old!

Also, stop farting in your sleep, our only house plant is starting to wilt.

Stop fucking stealing my clothes and stretching them out! Your like 4 sizes bigger then me, or is that lost on you too?

And just because you crashed your car doesn't mean you suddenly "deserve" to use mine. It's my car and you should get off the fucking phone when you drive.

On that note, get off the fucking phone! It's 3:30am! My god!

Lastly, your mom called, she's cutting you off.

Whore.