fractal trees

they call this an introduction:
Welcome to Hell. Watch out for gnomes and drug-sniffing dogs.

Welcome to my life, circa the teenage years, at a place we'll fondly call "Hell" because it's far too interesting to be Purgatory and far too torturous to be Heaven. Hell is a big, school-shaped place where Cerberus checks you for crack cocaine and the Devil looks strikingly like Christopher Walken. Only, you know, not as awesome. I also don't remember Christopher Walken ever wearing leopard print.


Hell also serves entrees like "Cheesy Chicken Over Rice," only it isn't actually chicken - some seniors last year discovered that, for some odd reason, it's actually turkey - and other gems like "Cheese Sticks" - "Cheese-flavored grease, with a bit of bread thrown in to hold said grease in place" - or the ever-wonderful "Chicken Spaghetti With Cheese." I think the cafeteria is secretly run by cows, but no one else will take me up on this.

I can't imagine why.

But the cafeteria notwithstanding, Hell is also the home to such lovely facilities as our Really Fracking Expensive Football Stadium Which Somehow Still Manages To Suck, the Library Of Exactly Seventeen Fiction Books, All By William Faulkner, and the enjoyable C "Perpetually Reeks Of Sweat And Dirty Socks And Indecent Body Parts" Hallway.

Oh, yeah. That's also the hall which leads straight to the cafeteria. Someone did not think the design of this place all the way through.

But it's a pretty cool place, Hell, especially because of the teachers. There's "Gnomie," who actually is anything but gnome-shaped, but she acts enough like one that we call her that anyway. How do gnomes act, you ask? We don't know either. There's just something about her that looks gnome-ish. And then there's "Batshit," who acts exactly as her nickname implies, only she quit a couple of years ago, so it really isn't fair to make fun of her anymore. And then there's "Douchebanks," who is actually far cooler than his name implies, but I really couldn't resist the opportunity to christen him with that nickname.

I'm exaggerating the bad teachers. There really are some cool ones. You shoulda been there to witness the Great Stuffed Animal Kidnapping Escapade, in which one teacher got a duck stolen and retaliated by threatening bodily harm to Lamb Chop. It was enjoyable. Especially when we got to go as an entire class and "intimidate" the teacher into returning Lamb Chop, or else the duck would suffer.

Some people at this place.

Ah, yes. Who am I? Well, besides the narrator of this... story, my name is Anna. I am a senior. I have a smattering of friends across almost any demographic you can think of. I'm not sure demographic is really the word I was looking for, but am far too lazy to check. I do, in fact, have a car, but it sucks to the point that I unashamedly bum rides off of anyone I can physically latch onto.

Who, I ask you, who gives their daughter a '79 Cadillac DeVille? Whose roof is duct-taped on and is still in possession of an 8-track player? I'm not asking for the best car in the world, but jeez, Dad. Way to fail.

At any rate, I'm a semi-Honors student. By that, I mean I take a few AP and Honors courses and then breeze my way through things I don't want to/don't feel the need to/am too lazy to deal with. Like History. Unfortunately, I'm a total idiot, and so I decided not to cop out on math this year, and so took Trigonometry, a class which is getting its jollies by slowly eating its way through my soul, one radian at a time.

Heh. Made a joke.

So, the Dramatis Personae?

Anna - Me, the Narrator, a Senior with a chip on her shoulder and an axe in her left hand. Sort of. Has a thing for blonds.

Jamie - The best friend, another Senior with a larger chip on her shoulder and a much bigger axe. Secretly enjoys Romance Novels and waits for Prince Charming. Manages to attract the most terrifying guys on the planet.

Brandon - The best friend's best friend, a Senior who is quite possibly the sweetest guy on the planet, and is unfortunately taken. By a girl.

Eddie - So far in the closet, he's opening Christmas presents. In Narnia. He dates girls, but we all know the truth. Junior.

Emma - Junior. Complains about guys all the time, but rarely does anything about it. Can be annoying. Especially because she complains about how much they like her. Eff off, Emma.

Caleb - Think Severus Snape, only skinnier, and loaded. Is slightly creepy, but for no readily definable reason. Senior.

Yoomi - The Korean student, whose family is here on some kind of business I don't understand. Absolutely slaughters my Trig scores and, painfully enough, my English ones as well. Besides that, is one of the coolest people I know.

Nathan - Might secretly be a mass murderer. Was a senior when I was a freshman, and is still a senior now that I am, as well. I think he finds it funny.

Mrs. Hester - The Principal, who looks like Christopher Walken would look if he grew his hair out and put on a leopard-print jacket and kitten heels.

Gnomie - Teacher who actually has a name, but doesn't really deserve it. Female, gnomish, absolutely loco.

Mr. Hendrix - A teacher who looks nothing like a dead rocker.

Lunch Lady - Has no name to my knowledge, but manages to be effing awesome in spite of the serious age difference. Lets me buy cookies and chips.

The Cafeteria Nazi - A jackass who goes insane when you pull an extra chair up to your table. Hatred. Like Gnomie, does not deserve a name.

Deputy Dog - The obnoxious policeman that even his fellow policemen hate. Wears shorts and knee-high socks. Is mocked.

The Drug Dog - Found marijuana in one of the teachers' desks last year. Is thus the coolest animal on the planet.

Mrs. Massa - The science teacher who instigated the Great Stuffed Animal Kidnapping Escapade. Used to be employed by the government and regularly brings puppies to school. Also dissects sharks and pregnant rats in her class, which is kind of gross but weirdly fascinating.

Mrs. Williams - English teacher who knows everything about everything and has been known to discuss things like cat sex and video games in her classes.

Mrs. Franks - A monumental bitch who needs a total personality overhaul. Works as some kind of secretary, only not really because there's another secretary who does all her work. Lives to drive students insane.

Mom - A mom. Regularly spikes her sno-cones with vodka and tells dirty jokes. Is also anal about her daughter's grades.

Dad - The father. A laid-back, easygoing old man who probably couldn't hit a dead horse with a bazooka at point-blank range. Temperamental, but ultimately harmless. Joins Mom in the telling of dirty jokes.

Jared- The New Kid, hailing from Asscrack, Wyoming or someplace like that. I don't know. I wasn't listening. Somehow managed to end up at our lunch table, thanks to pity on our parts. Junior? Senior? I'm not sure. I think we freaked him out.

And,The Idiots - consists of the people who think they own the school and assume that everyone wants to hear about everything they do. Not necessarily the "preps," but a very good imitation nevertheless. Also includes the Wannabe Goth Kids who wear nothing but black and do anything possible to draw attention to themselves.

Now that you know the players, what is this about? As I've already said, my school has a case of mild insanity. This is how the senior year goes - my life, my world, laughs and tears and mistakes and all. And a depressing lack of love. But not really.

Take a dive, jump right in, and go for a swim. I hear the Lake of Fire is great this time of year.

(Sorry, couldn't resist.)
(A/N: Call it a catharsis. With only a few exceptions/embellishments, all of this is true, just under different names. For the record, before you ask, the drug dog did actually find traces of marijuana on a teacher's desk last year. It was quite hilarious from my point of view, even though it all got smoothed over and dealt with. Review!)