AN: This is a story that I had up a while ago, but took down for some revamping. It's back up now, but it still needs major work. I would love some good critiques or advice or anything. I do have it 'finished' but I don't like a lot of it. The beginning, for example, I despise. Anyways, this is a relationship between two guys, so if you don't like that or whatever, don't read.

Well, I hope you like it and you'll give me some feedback.

Also I would love a beta reader, I'm sure I need one desperately.


I am so drawn to his touch...this is not how it was supposed to be...

I'm supposed to be the bookworm, the good kid. I am supposed to be everything that, so far, I'm not. Maybe if my father had been around...that's what everyone says. If only Jack had stayed to raise his son the right way maybe he would have turned out all right. Maybe...

A word I've heard so many times, right up there with "almost."

"Maybe if you had tried harder you would have made it. You were almost good enough."

I have never been excellent at anything, not once in my life; except for one time in first grade I got a sticker with the word "excellent" printed on it in glittering blue letters. That word has never been said to my face.

My mom is always sick. She can't really take care of me the way I want her to. Ever since fifth grade, when she first got real sick, I've had to go home and care for her. She always said that she could have her sister come over, but I can't stand the woman; each time she suggested it, I would tell her that I was "fine".

My life became school and caring for my mother. I didn't have many friends, I was always too into my books or studying or worried about my mom, to notice anyone who might be willing to talk to me.

Then I met Rex.

Rex is the last person most people wanted to get involved with. The stoners and partiers are his friends. Rex took a shine to me, for some reason or another, and for an odder reason I didn't mind. Perhaps it was because I had been so long with out friends.

Rex was a very popular guy; the girls were always waiting on him, hanging around him like he was a king. I on the other hand, was his faithful lap dog. I followed him around everywhere, like a little puppy. He loved it obviously, he enjoyed pounding out the small measure of self esteem I had. Yet I stayed around him, hoping that maybe someday I would be popular too. Maybe...

Someday never came. I continued to hang around Rex at school and go home to tend to my mother. It continued that way for an entire school year. Then when summer rolled around, my mother finally had my aunt Lacy come to the house. That started it all.

I started leaving the house as often as possible, staying out as long as I could, just to escape the horror that was inhabiting my house. I viewed it as an invasion of territory; ever since my dad left I had been the man of the house, then She came barging in and took over everything that I had managed to build up.

My days were spent with Rex, as normal. I soon became immersed in his lifestyle. The drinking, the drugs, the smoking, the sex; it was all pressed on me like a pillow, smothering me. Somehow I managed to stay clean, through all of it.

I lost so many innocent views during my time with Rex; I saw so many things I had never thought about before, never imagined.

I went to my first party, underage drinking, illegal drugs -and some legal ones-, and smoke, everywhere.

I saw guys kissing guys, girls kissing girls.

I watched someone overdose.

I watched people drink themselves to pieces.

So many things, so many things I didn't like. Maybe that's how I stayed clean through it all.

Then, everything changed again.

Rex took me to a party nothing special, just a house party; I figured I had been to over ten by now but I was still small, shy me. Rex seemed to get a kick out of how I'd blush whenever I saw something sexual. I was his little virgin, he'd say, his pure little guy. I had seen everything sexual possible, yet it still bothered me to see it so...openly expressed. There was nothing special or intimate about it with these people, it was for everyone. It was nothing like what I had thought it to be.

The party was loud, like they all were, filled with the smoke seeping in through the backdoor, like usual, and full of people dancing and screaming. It was routine. I stood in the corner of the room by the bookshelf staying out of the way like always.

It all got to be too much -the music, the smoke, the smell of alcohol- faster than most. I started to feel dizzy; I searched desperately for a window, anything that would offer clean air. I got something better. I made my way toward the door that led to the front yard; stumbling and tripping over passed out bodies and knocking into drunk and high people on my way.

Finally, after what seemed like the longest journey, I made it to the door. Wrenching it open and stepping outside as quickly as possible, I breathed in the wonderfully clean air, coughing a bit at the transition.

Sitting down with a sigh on the edge of the stone patio, my sneakered toes brushed the tips of the lush overgrown grass. My hands rested on either side of me, gripping the edge, as I looked at my swinging feet.

"Too much for you too, eh?" A voice asked to the side of me. I whipped around in surprise to face the voice. Peering through a few bits of brown hair that had fallen in front of my eyes I spotted who had spoken. It was a boy about my age, eighteen by my guess; he had beach blonde hair, with darker highlights peeking throughout. His shimmering bright blue eyes glittered at me from a tanned face, a warm smile showing a row of white teeth. All of this registered very quickly, he looked exactly as I had always wanted to.

"Uhh, yeah, got dizzy." I muttered, wondering why he was talking to me. His appearance said plainly that he was "cool". An unbuttoned blue dress shirt, revealed the white wife beater underneath, the shirt un-tucked from the pair of fitted blue jeans decorated only with a black leather belt.

"Don't worry; I'm not going to turn you in or anything." He chuckled, walking the few steps to where I sat and sitting beside me. "I'm Jade." He said, sticking out his hand.

"Matt." I answered, looking at his hand warily.

"Oh come on, I don't bite." He smirked. I blushed and took his hand; he shook mine firmly and let me go. A moment passed in silence in which I took to darting my eyes to and from him.

"You have really beautiful eyes; you know? Almost black." He said suddenly, thoughtfully. I blushed again, awkwardly; it was rather uncomfortable; I had never been told that anything about me looked good, especially by a guy. "You're pretty cute all around." He decided finally, looking me over. My mind went automatically to my hair, it was never stylish or "cool" looking, it was always messy and shaggy no matter what I did. Looking back on it, I suppose my first thought should have been along the lines of 'what the hell?' Then again, my social expertise was about that of a five-year-old so that thought came second

"Thanks." I said uncertainly. He smiled, it was an amazing smile. It made me smile back, I don't know why; it just filled me with a sense of belonging. But of course, the small connection was shattered.

"Matt!" An all too familiar voice whined at me. I turned around to see Rex leaning against the door way, extremely drunk and probably high off of a dozen different drugs. "Com'n dri' meh 'ome, 'ou h-omo." He slurred. I flushed a bright red and jumped to my feet, waving a timid hand to Jade as I took what I naturally assumed would be the last look. "I'm not gay." I mumbled to Rex but he only groaned, when I returned my attention to the massive teenager.