I kicked my feet against the brick wall absently as I sat on the ledge. I paused a moment when a thought struck me:
What did the wall ever do to me?
I swung my legs up onto the ledge and lay with my face towards the cloudy sky. Always a cloudy sky these day it seemed…nothing could ever be clear anymore…
I closed my eyes and tried to push all the thoughts out of my head but they all kept running back. It was like the ocean's waves…receding for a few moments but always returning. For one who'd always chased after love I was finding it harder and harder to believe in it. There's nothing sadder than a disillusioned dreamer. You spend your time with the girl of your dreams only to realize that it wasn't the fairy tale that you'd written. Instead of fending off her attackers you're left fighting the thoughts in your head. Did she ever really love you? Does she understand what she meant to you? Could I learn to love someone else after being so badly burned? Is my heart so fickle I can pledge my love to one and then fall for another? Two sides of a double-edged sword both prepared to strike my heart. How often have I been the victim of unrequited feelings? Yet this time I swore it was real…believed in it's future…was willing to fight, to die for it…what has become of it now? Nothing but a battlefield. Crossing hearts and blades someone is bound to be cut. I want nothing but her happiness yet does that mean sacrificing my own? And if I do not put her before myself am I being selfish? There are too many questions and they weigh down on me like these dark clouds hang low over the earth. There is a part of me that wishes to never be loved again…but another part that would die without it. And in truth I do love her…I love her like I've not loved anyone or anything…yet with that knowledge comes the fear that she never felt what I did. Perhaps she believed she did…at some time…but I find it so hard to believe that she really could love me. Especially now. Now when she speaks of her new interests and then of her and I having a future together all in the same breath. Now she seems not to hear me anymore when once she knew my words before they were spoken. Did she grow bored of me? Did I push her away? These are questions that may never be answered. And with every statement she makes that further confirms my fears the pain grows. Now even with a new prospect on the horizon I cannot revel in my joy. Because it's not her. She doesn't have the eyes like a clear summer day or a laugh like mischief. She doesn't fit me as well, and doesn't have her smell. Can I help but compare the two even if I tell myself that it is wrong? And if she tells me she loves me…what will I say? I can already tell she is falling. Yet who is it that these people love? If I cannot know how then can they? Fall for my words and you have nothing but paper, fall for my actions and there is nothing but the ghosts of my touches when I am gone…fall for my heart…well first you'd have to find it…I know not who has it now…yet I must try to move on mustn't I? But the edged sword frightens me so…For if I cannot love another then I am to die alone with my dreams of a one true love left in tact. But then if I find love in another's arms I die in comfort but with broken dreams…which is the crueler death?